War and Peace in just 7 years (WAPIN7)

You know the feeling - you've got half a dozen flat screen TVs strapped to your horse, a sack of bargain quinoa on your back, and a massive smile on your face - you absolutely smashed Black Friday and now you're on your way home for a relaxing beef tea. That's when you stop. Your eyes go wide. Darren lets out an uneasy snort. As 12 TVs fall to the floor, and quinoa fills the street...

Your excitement is palpable; you've shaved, brushed your teeth and slathered yourself in the finest perfume money can buy.  Holding your head high you take your place in the queue. You want that discount ham. You deserve it! You have a drink to steady your nerves.  The queue grows uncontrollably. People appearing as if from nowhere. The crush begins. You try to escape but you're stuck! T...

Waging a successful military campaign isn't just about shiny buttons, impressive marching formations, and ensuring your troops are incredibly rested and relaxed.  Sometimes you need an extra special something to turn your fighting boys into fighting men... sometimes you need Pies. Yes, pies.  Join us this week as we discover how the humble baked treat could be Russia's secret weapon in t...

They speak of a man with fish for hands, a man who's addicted to crime . Your treasures are safe? Oh yes! In the safest place! Well for now then I guess you are fine... OR ARE YOU?! 〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️ Support the show, say Hello, and find the thoroughly diplomat extras at: patreon.com/wapin7 Including... (Free!) bonus content, Tolstoy's Hall of Fame, and special epis...

The Russian army sure know how to throw a parade - but was spending all that time changing coats and polishing penknives really the brilliant strategic manoeuvrer it first seemed? Join us this week as we turn on the slow motion camera to watch the hobbledehoy slowly move toward the fan, then actually hit the fan, then spread horrible, sticky hobbledehoy absolutely everywhere. What happens next cou...

Just like your favourite boomerang, we are back!  Dust off your WAP-WAPPY-WAP Quote Book, plump up your favourite War and Peace themed pillow, pop on your velvet listening cape and get ready for Book 2 of the greatest novel of all time! We've had enough parties to make even Miley Cyrus throw in the towel. Now, it's time for War...  Well, perhaps not quite yet, but we are with some soldie...

Vigorously boil your eggnog, put a mince pie in EACH hand, and get ready to experience yet another literary classic from Leo Tolstoy.  This week we're digging deep into the Leo library to bring you one of the lesser-known Tolstoy classics - his Christmas fable 'The Young Tsar'. A young man has just ascended to the throne, he's making laws left right and centre, but why is every...

You've finished Book 1 of War and Peace! Cue rapturous applause. Congratulations! Congratulations! You are amazing! Now what on earth happened? If you’ve been with us every step of the way on this monumental journey, or you’re simply a War and Peace hitchhiker wanting a quick refresh of Book 1 so you can launch yourself headfirst into Book 2, well grab a pen and some biscuits. It’s quiz time!...

Peel back that pre-diced pineapple pot, fill your vape with turkish vape juice, and pop the McTurtle ™ burgers in the microwave, because it's time to celebrate! Join us this week as we reach an incredible milestone - the end of War and Peace, Book 1. It's an emotional moment for us, and an emotional final chapter - Andy Pandy is off to war, but how will he concentrate with his pregnant w...

It's dinner time at Nasty Nick's house and there's a politely sneezing architect at the main table... We know you'll find that hard to believe.  "A lowly architect eating his dinner at the MAIN TABLE, WHY WHY WHY?!"   We're just as repulsed and sickened as you are.  Tune in this week to find out who's the biggest powder monkey and what's so special abou...

If you're familiar with British TV from the early 2000s, no doubt at this moment you have a shiver descending down your spine.  As adrenaline floods your body and a scream emerges from your mouth, you'll be remembering Nasty Nick - the Big Brother contestant who was so, so very nasty that they added the word 'Nasty' to his name to show how nasty he was.  "There's neve...

What's the best letter you've ever read?  Well, multiply that by a relatively large number because this letter is a serious letter and boy does it pack one hell of a punch! But wait! Before you can read that special letter you'll need to dust off your calculator and geometry textbook... it's time for a maths lesson, from the world's busiest man.  Don't be late.  〰️〰...

We've been in the bedroom, and boy what a bedroom that bedroom was.  Join us this week as we stand outside the bedroom once again, looking back at that closed door, remembering the endless columns and beguiling carpet. But as the memory of that extraordinary room teases our senses, we remember something else. Something stranger. Something unsettling.  What exactly were Vassily and Katishe doi...

Remember that letter? Whomever possess it will be rewarded more serfs and rubbles than is even possible to calculate. Trust us, we tried and the numbers got so high we just sort of stopped.  Well, it's back and someone wants it. Surely no one would have the gaul to pull off the letter heist of the century during your first ever Unction?!  Dust off your Persian wall rugs, pour yourself a cup o...

Put on your finest Unction hat, Unction gloves and little Unction shoes and get ready to administer... Unction! It's time.  Sit back and relax as the Uncle in the bedroom prepares himself for the best damn Unction-ing you've ever seen. If only we were allowed in... Who gets the inheritance? What’s an Unction? Who’s taller (in hams of course), Tom Cruise or Danny DeVito? Find out the answ...

There's an uncle in the bedroom, we all know that, but what the hell has he been doing in there? What we do know: he's really, really rich and he's really, really ill - and as if that wasn't enough, he has at least one bedroom.  This week, we're not going in the bedroom (why would we!), but boy are we finding out more about the man with the bedroom, the things he has in hi...

Put down your personal pineapple, pocket your pipe and rip your velcro trousers right off, because this week Daniel Cooper is in the room and he insists - WE. MUST. DANCE.  Join us as we spin, twist and thrust our way into War and Peace party legend - we've done the small talk, we've swapped the gossip, and now it's time to let our hips do the talking.  Listen this week as we witnes...

Between the endless servings of turtle burgers, whole pineapples and free refill wine you could be forgiven for thinking that everything in the world was amazing and perfect. Perhaps after dinner we will dance? Perhaps tomorrow there will be another party? Perhaps it will be this way forever? Perhaps. But behind the totally sweet riffs of the Gravy Boaters, a new tune is starting to play. Under th...

Legend tells of a powerful and mysterious woman, raised by wild pigs in the Siberian mountains, she has learnt that ice and fire are the inseparable sisters of survival.  The story foretells that she will appear only in the most unusual of circumstances - it must be a glorious name day, there must be an organised dining event the like of which Russia has never seen, and there must be the powerful...

This week we meet the sauciest man in War and Peace, and boy does he like sauce. We're talking béarnaise, we're talking béchamel, we're talking classic gravy - this man has tried them all and has found a place for most of them on his clothes.  Plus we're spending some quality time with WAP's two old and dearest friends. But will their insatiable lust for money bring these...

If you thought you could kidnap a policeman, tie him to a stolen bear, then push them both in the canal and wonder off without any consequences, think again!  Join us this week as Pierre's dark, bear filled past rears its furry head to cause moderate to severe embarrassment. Can Pierre take the heat, or will his social standing be torn to shreds by the vicious claws of gossip?  Plus - CUE FUN...

 There's an uncle in the bedroom  A bedroom made of gold  An uncle the most handsome  In all Russia, it's been told  "We'd like to see the uncle please  Before he goes and dies  We've heard he's freakin loaded  And we were passing by"  There's an uncle in the bedroom  In this week's episode  Listen now, and have no fear  The actual show's in prose...

This week the generations are at war. On one side, the mysterious Vera. Handsome as they come, her mouth quite possibly brimming with spiders - and now, terrifying new rumours that she wields dark and unnatural powers.  On the other side, four hopeful children. Innocent as tiny little ducklings, their only weapons are the power of love and some really quite cutting insults they have just invented....

The storm clouds are clearing and the romance rainbow is in the air - get your ❤️ emoji ready because this week WAP is crushin' hard.  We're playing hard to get, we're mixing our messages and we're literally playing hide and seek. Get ready to get smitten, because this week it's a heartstring symphony, and you're all invited. 〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️ Su...

Sure it's great that all these old people are having a nice time, but what are the YOUNG people up to? And who the heck do they fancy? Tell me now!  This week we're slip n' sliding our way through the intricate social web of Moscow's youth scene to answer these critical questions. Join us as we jump on the seesaw of uncertainty, clamber high on the jungle gym of jealousy and go...