Umpire Pants

Bill’s back! Waffle update – Bill doesn’t think you need to fold in egg whites. “If it has more than one part, it’s a machine.” Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Pie French Toast. Pizza Talk with Doug and Jim. Kelley likes mist on her eyeballs #weteyes. The Space Needle no longer has a restaurant. Bill’s next birthday is 4/4/2020 and he’s getting extra high. What’s the worst plastic packaging?...

Mary and Kelley are here, and they are not doing a great job podcasting. Christmas cookies. Junior Mint follow-up. Shit Truck of the Week: Black Friday. Mary’s running an apothecary, and has an interesting fact about sarsaparilla. Demolition Man review. Is Mary going to start calling her legs Happy Stumps? Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Reverend Al’s Shrub drink. Kelley’s Hint List: Removing adhesiv...

Kelley was sick today but Bill went to Mary's and recorded anyway. You know what that means: bad sound quality! Too much serious talk! Bill didn't listen to the episode before he uploaded it! The title is something Bill thinks he remembers saying but isn't positive! P.S. This one's a day late because I edited and uploaded it, then didn't click OK or Save or whatever. I'm killin' it over here!

Felix starts off the show creeping out the neighbors. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Stroganoff (Bill's going with Chicken, not beef). Taco Bell. Corporate donations. We don’t understand soccer, and Kelley is wildly confused by the formatting of hours and minutes in the game. Bill, Felix and Lily gang up on Kelley to gross her out with poo talk. Kelley’s going to start asking people if they need dir...

We’re recording at Mary’s condo without Mary, and for some reason it smells like weed. Eating with braces. Coffee grinder update from Bill – it’s Braun brand, guys. Diskmans and cassettes. It’s dark in Seattle. Mary’s choice of lunch bag for the airplane. Kelley saw snakes and baby monkeys in Costa Rica. (Note – I remembered the reason they said they don’t release the snakes raised for anti-venom...

Mary comes in hot, and by hot we mean high. Jaywalking and Seattle’s terrible traffic. Mary thought Patton Oswalt was two guys, Pat and Owswalt. Preliminary Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Zach Galifinakas’ Live at the Purple Onion show. Bill hates Dr. Seuss. Trashy novels. Scams and grafters. Bill loves Designing Women. Sales pitches. Camping. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Bill’s long-lasting Krupps...

Kelley's out of town, so we're re-running Episode 58 - an instant classic! Show pic this time is a pumpkin by Kelley. It's our Halloween episode, Bill got a sound board, Mary doesn't like Halloween, yo-yo routine scarecrow, Mary gets a phone call, turds, people not liking you, parties, bobbing for apples, costumes, Blues Brothers, gypsy (roma), wizard, princess, topical costumes, clown, food color...

Which 3 Stooges guy are we? Smart Kids classes. Horses. Cyber bullying. Correction, Lowell George and Lol Cream clarification. Bill had a weird day. We’re re-releasing last year’s Halloween episode, but don’t get sad, we’ll be back soon. Mary’s going to small claims court. Bill mansplains Starwars Jizz. We don’t have attention spans anymore. Ikea meatballs and exotic meats. Kelley wants to die at...

It’s one for the 12s. Bill’s office has no AC, and it’s getting stinky. Mushrooms and mushroom hunting. Cat update. Bill has a new podcasting sweat suit. We’ve changed up our format a bit. Jean Hackman (was not on 30 Rock it turns out). Our 95 year old Aunt Mary just learned anyone can put anything on the internet. Koko the gorilla and All Ball. Musicals and the Parent’s Guide’s over-reaction to S...

Germaphobes in our family. Mouse balls. Dumb joke formats. Using LOL. Mary’s texting skills. Snow days. Words for rain and snow. Calling hot links donkey dicks. Small cake hint follow-up. Mary and Kelley went on a road trip. Beat You to the Punchline! The XFL. Shit List of the Week: Mary derailing the podcast and improper use of the word legit. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pumpkin Season. Giving d...

Mary's a secret Juggalo. Farmers Markets. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Good farmers market lip balm. Shit List of the Week: Body language and handwriting experts. Mary's turning into a real Chong. Recording dreams and Kelley's disturbing confession. We try out our new joke segment: Beat You to the Punchline! We test out one of the hints from last week – lemon + salt for cleaning copper. Kelley's H...

Mary’s coming in hot on this one folks! SloJos on GoFos. Bill's follow-up from last week: License plates, toothpicks, and Ham radios. Shit List of the Week: Mary’s doctor experience and the medical industry. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Perfume Commercials and hummingbirds. Smoky and the Bandit should be remade with a modern premise and cast. We hold grudges in this family. Kelley tries to talk to...

Weed talk and natural medicines. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: CBD & THC for pain management & Weighted blankets. Shit List of the Week: Personalized license plates. We discuss Ham radio, even though we don’t know what we’re talking about. Distracted driving. Bill starts podcast beef. Secret toothpick email. Everyone watch Cobra tonight, it's nice and short. Kelley's Hint List! More hosiery hints....

Sorry for the late posting, guys! New intro jingle. Mary’s back! Can Bill’s family beat him up? Mary’s impressively bad fantasy football draft, and how our dad picked his team name. Toaster talk. Kelley’s a fare-skipper now. Shit List of the Week: People who think they’re qualified to give advice for no reason, and non hand washers. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pilot Bravo pens and safety razors....

Crack open a cold joint, and hear Kelley’s gross story about a wet one. We’ve got an iron update! Shit List of the Week: The term Baby Bump and Baby on Board Stickers. Kelley gets a medical term wrong. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Fried Shallots. Bill teases an upcoming segment – Can his family beat him up? Kelley tells a rambling story about wearing a skirt downtown, and trying to make a purchase...

No more movie talk. The 2000s are confusing to talk about when it comes to decades. Shit List of the Week: The Disney Corporation. Kelley gets her only “fact” about 2005 wrong (she was not married in 2006). Bill’s movie review of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The movie Young Einstein. Mary emails in from Costa Rica. Shit List of the Week: The terms “hubby” and “hubs”...

Hi Nutballs. Unfortunately we don’t have a new show this week. Bill is sick and Mary is in Costa Rica, and everyone voted against me interviewing the cats and harassing Herman to talk. Please enjoy this old episode of Best Ofs, and hey, tell your friends to check this one out if they’ve never listened!

Kelley starts off with the wrong episode number, we're doing great, folks! Some dick and ball talk off the top. Movies from 2003. Joke Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Pirate Bay. Mary emails from Costa Rica. The Wizard of Oz. Judy Garland. Impossible Burgers coming to Burger King and other fast food. Restaurant reviews. Crappy syndication shows. Kelley's weird encounter with a stranger. Giving direct...

Enjoy the seagull sounds in this one, guys! Movies from 2002. Bill’s Hood River camping adventure. Mary emails with a Shrek memory. Mariners and hometown loyalty. Hockey team. Stadium food and drinks. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: The Show Man Down. Kelley’s Hint List! Put a pail of water in a freshly painted room. Freshen up veils with gum arabic. Old timey pharmacies. Love for drugstores. Bill’s...

It's episode 101! (You didn't miss 100, it's still coming.) Movies from 2001. Bill goes by Bildo Ballbags now. Listening to Kenny G in dad's 80s Fiat. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Eating Cereal with Ice Cream. Weedies. Getting too high. Break. Mary is here and she's drinking random stuff from a farmers market in Costa Rica. Kelley's hint list: Baking potatoes quickly (Mary gets mad at this one, or...

Movies from 1999. Lots of good ones. Follow-up: We have one person claiming the hand in water trick works. Watch the TV show Spaced. MD 20/20 burger. Buckfast. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Documental. Kelley’s Hint List. Mary joins from Costa Rica! Use cold water on pie crust. Mary is against other options. Clutch repair hint. (Note from Kelley regarding the pet rat we found in my dad’s car: It be...

Bill’s back! Catching up on movies from 1997. Movies from 1998. Earthquake talk. New Nextdoor segment? Making French toast with angel food cake. We should do restaurant reviews. WE ARE SKIPPING EP 100 until Mary is back in Seattle. Kenny Roberts Break. Mary calls in from Costa Rica. Ant and Bat update. Mary’s Shit List of the Week: Christmas in July. Crappy cars. Frozen bananas make Kelley feel si...

Mary is leaving to Costa Rica, but she gets to see the Pride parade. We don’t have the content for an all balls episode. Art cars. Pedicures. Biscuits. Mary’s restaurant review/Shit List of the Week: Stop putting spicy stuff in food that’s not normally spicy without warning people! Baked gnocchi update. Eggs Benedict rules, and Mary naming recipes. Messing up poutine in the states. Ice Cream Truck...

Mary claims to like Italian food. Movies from 1996. Somehow Mary is explaining the plot of something again. Ross and Marshall’s shopping. Mary’s Shit List of the Week – mean dogs in stores. Mary is fired up about kids and cell phones. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Mini Watermelon’s, Ice Cream Trucks. Food trucks. It’s Mary’s bedtime. Dad’s tooth. Hints: Making jam and jelly. Kelley and Bill are bei...

Have you seen our posters? Bill’s mayo promise. Movies from 1995. Scary movies make Bill cry. Stephen King. Should Mary cosplay as Kevin Smith? Costumed scammers in big cities. Watch Muppet lip synching videos. Climate change is real. Heaven’s Gate Cult confusion. Bill is a tiny man. Mary gets Matthew McConaughey and Owen Wilson confused. Mary tries to say there is no music in the Wizard of Oz. Ma...