Two Open Doors

I recently had the pleasure of participating in a thank-you event for a friend and colleague who is a fellow sҽxologist.  From the many glowing comments I heard, it’s clear that my friend has made many contributions to her professional community.  At least as importantly, she has touched many lives. In this post, we’ll revisit what sҽxology is, and why it matters in our society.  We’ll consider wh...

Human sexuality is a strong force, which impacts both personal lives and the fabric of society in many ways.  Not surprisingly, then, sex can stir up some very strong feelings in people.  Similarly, the expression of sexuality can provoke both strong reactions and constraints in many if not most societies.  In this post, we’ll take a look at a connection that bears on this uneasy relationship betw...

I’ve recently been wondering about why I’ve had such an intense longstanding interest in deep human connections, even in childhood.  While many of my peers seemed to be focused on sports, or having adventures, or running in popular social circles, I was drawn to the exploration and understanding of intimacy.  Why? We’ve previously explored the three realms in which human connection plays out:  the...

I recently came across a book that I found to be full of thought-provoking observations:  All About Love , by the feminist and cultural critic bell hooks .  That work deals with what is perhaps the central orienting theme in intimate relationships:  our desire for love, and how that desire plays out in our lives.   In this episode, we’ll explore some of bell’s often-pointed views on what love is,...

  As is often observed in the media, our society is facing a tsunami of loneliness and alienation.  In 2023, the US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy published a report titled “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation”, in which he describes the prevalence, effects and possible cures for loneliness.  One aspect of this problem is that of people feeling that they are “invisible” to one another.  In...

As the end of another year approaches, I’d like to recommend a practice that has long held meaning for me:  taking stock of the preceding year of my relationship experiences.  I see that as a good way to learn as much as possible from the last year of living, as well as a good way to prepare for a meaningful year ahead. In this episode, I’ll share a few highlights of what I’ve learned, and what I...

At first blush, there might seem to be no connection between fear and the role it might play in relationships--- yet in fact, fear is very relevant throughout the entire life-cycle of intimate relationships.  In this episode, we’ll take a look at the particulars of this reality. Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality f...

In Tantric cosmology, the universe is created and filled by two inseparable deities:  Shiva and Shakti.  Shiva is seen as the embodiment of masculinity, while Shakti embodies the feminine.  Shiva manifests the state of being in existence, which focuses on the static aspect of existing .  In contrast, Shakti manifests the flow of energy that animates everything in existence; that role is fundamenta...

In prior episodes, we’ve seen that attachment theory can provide many insights into how relationships function.  That theory proposes how infants and children learn to relate to others, and how they form a self-image that’s essential if they are to see themselves as worthy of love and support.  Relationships evolve over time, and the relevance and utility of attachment theory carry over into adult...

In numerous prior episodes, we’ve taken a look at attachment theory, and its many implications for adult relationships.  We’ve seen that personal attachment style is a strong factor in determining our predispositions as to how we interact with others… as well as in how we see ourselves. There’s far more to be said about “ attachment ”, though--- starting with how that term is defined.  In this epi...

Relationships evolve, often in fairly-predictable ways, but sometimes taking unexpected twisting turns.  In a prior episode titled “The Relationship Life-Cycle’”, we identified six different stages that an intimate relationship can pass through.  Since change is effectively inevitable in relationships, it’s good to understand not only these relationship states or stages, but also the conditions th...

Those who are in a long-term committed relationship almost invariably encounter a cooling of the romantic fire in their relationship.  As we’ve noted in prior episodes, attraction and physical passion are at least partially driven by physiological influences that naturally wane over time.  As a result, many initially-passionate relationships transition into a loving but less-passionate “companiona...

As we all know, relationships evolve.  Even those relationships that start off full of light and fire can and usually do cool over time.  In some cases, the connection between partners may weaken to the point that it no longer sustains a relationship, in which case the partners may separate.  In other cases, the partners may choose to stay together, but with a more emotionally-distant connection. ...

We recently reviewed the differences between three “dependence styles” (or ways of interacting with partners to obtain support and validation).  As we saw, neither true independence (i.e. complete self-reliance) nor co-dependence (or inappropriate dependence on a partner) are healthy or sustainable.  In contrast, interdependence enables an appropriate balance of self-reliance with appropriate depe...

In large part, people are drawn into relationship with one another to satisfy their needs and desires.  In a well-functioning relationship, each member of a couple provides specific things to their partner, and that’s done in a reciprocal way. In our prior episode titled “Relationship and the Hierarchy of Needs”, we considered the range of human needs, conceptualized by Abraham Maslow as a hierarc...

To bring the Two Open Doors message to a broader audience, I have assembled the blogs that I’ve written to date into book form.  (The initial release will be in Kindle e-book form, to be followed by a paperback.)  I’m grateful for the suggestions and encouragement that I’ve received in taking on this project; my hope is that it will prove to be a valuable resource for those who seek deep connectio...

As we’ve seen in prior episodes, intimate relationships offer many distinct benefits.  That makes it important for us to determine what our relationship goals are, for each of our close connections. One of the larger challenges that can confront us in relationships is a misalignment between what we’d like a relationship to be, and what it actually offers us.  That is, what we want (or need) may no...

Most adults have experienced the physical pleasures that sex offers.  We’re aware of the delights that adult sexual “play” can bring us and our partner.  Sex can be a primal in-the-moment experience. In contrast with such experiences, sex can also be a key that unlocks a range of human experiences that take us way beyond pleasure, and into a realm that provides access to some experiences that vast...

As we’ve discussed in prior episodes, our relationships fulfill a variety of needs that we have as humans.  Different relationships can address different needs; for that reason, it’s important for us to determine what we seek from each of our relationships. As a framework for considering relationship needs, it’s useful to think about the various perspectives that have been proposed for describing...

As human beings, we all hold the potential to hurt others, including those we love.  Often, that hurt is unintentional, though in some cases, we may have an intention to inflict hurt. In this episode, we’ll consider some of the possible sources of hurt in our relationships.  We’ll take a look at how we can manage that hurt, to minimize its damaging effects.  We’ll also consider the various ways in...

The central theme of Two Open Doors is the miracle and mystery of deep human connection, which is the possibility of two human beings intertwining their lives on the planes of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual reality.  Though few (or none) of us are able to consistently sustain such intimate connection, we’ve all tasted at least occasional smatterings of that richness.  Such times are mem...

A desire for connection is deeply wired into the DNA of being human.  As a very social species, we humans rely on one another for support and satisfaction; people are inter dependent. In this episode, we’ll take a look at what benefits relationship offers us, on three separate planes:  physical, mental and emotional.  Different kinds of relationships offer a different mix of benefits, on each of t...

What do you think of, when you hear the term “ soulmates ”?  Do you envision that old couple who walk down the street each afternoon, hand-in-hand?  Do you see a pair of partners who seem to read each other’s thoughts, with little or no audible speech?  Do you recognize soulmates by some indescribable look in their eyes as they connect, a look that seems to say “forever”? In this episode, we’ll ta...

In a number of prior episodes, we’ve explored the notion of a relationship hierarchy, considering the many ways in which relationships can differ, as well as the ways in which we decide what we seek from each relationship, and the ways and extent to which we invest ourselves in each relationship. In this episode, we’ll take a look at the possibility of our having “primary” relationships, and we’ll...

As embodied organisms, we experience pleasure as one of the most prominent guiding forces in our lives.  In our Puritanical society, pleasure often is looked down upon as an unworthy source of motivation and guidance for living a productive and meaningful life.  The physical reality, though, is that we are “wired” to be motivated by pleasure (and by the avoidance of pain). In this episode, we’ll c...