Today's Review of Assorted Cinema

Oh sweet! Pure nightmares beyond comprehension! This must be the work of today’s film, Skinamarink! Left home alone in the middle of the night, young Kevin and Kaylee awake to find their house turned into a dark and confusing maze of horrors. Meanwhile, they become haunted by an evil force who seeks to torment them. The film features a star-studded cast such as: Hallway Door, Crown Molding, Public...

From horror cinema darling James Wan comes his most horrifying feature yet: Aquaman! I mean… Dead Silence! After the wife of Jamie Ashen dies under mysterious puppet-related circumstances, Jamie returns to his hometown of Raven’s Fair to uncover the link between the murder and a 70-year-old curse upon the town. Meanwhile, Donnie Wahlberg is on the case as a wisecracking detective who’s never heard...

From the director of Donnie Darko, a film no one wanted to see because 9/11 happened, comes Richard Kelly’s sophomore feature, Southland Tales. A film no one wanted to see because 9/11 made the script too confusing! Dwayne Johnson stars as Boxer Santaros, an amnesiac actor who becomes embroiled in an apocalyptic conspiracy along with Krysta Now, a psychic ex-adult film star, and Roland Taverner, a...

If those dinner parties you were invited to by your weird coworker were anything like the dinner party in Coherence, I’m sure you’ll be glad the sitter had to cancel! When eight friends arrive for a dinner party during the most inconvenient comet passing in history, strange occurrences begin to unfold and strain the already tense threads holding the group together. Through the eyes of Em, we must...

Instead of doing the sensible option of just filming large piles of money burning to ash, Universal Pictures and Blumhouse instead chose to waste even more money and make The Exorcist: Believer! This $400 million mistake from director David Gordon Green ruins another classic horror film by essentially making the same movie you know and love again. Only this time it sucks! The Exorcist was about a...

Abandoned children, alcoholism, gun violence, and car crashes galore. It must be a Satoshi Kon Christmas in his 2003 classic, “Tokyo Godfathers!” When our homeless protagonists, Gin, Hana, and Miyuki discover a child left in the dumpster, they resolve to track down the girl’s mother against the backdrop of the wintery new year’s season. Along the way, the three must work together and confront thei...

If there’s anything the world has in common with the film “Another Round,” it’s scraping by through a pandemic in-between bouts of heavy drinking! Mads Mikkelsen and three other guys shine as four Copenhagen teachers who, in order to improve their sad, pathetic lives, decide to maintain a constant state of drunkenness throughout the day. Or as Wisconsin calls it, a 9 to 5! An American remake of th...

From the director of 48 Hours and the cult classic film The Warriors, comes a movie you’ve probably never seen, but inspired stuff you probably have! It’s Streets of Fire! Michael Pare stars as Tom Cody, the toughest, cheapest Sylvester Stallone impersonator badass in town who, along with new allies, must rescue his ex-girlfriend Ellen Aim from the clutches of gang leader Raven Shaddock. It’s Fina...

Grab your barf bag and prepare to look away for this egg-citing new episode where we’ll be tackling the iconic John Waters hit “Pink Flamingos!” Drag queen Divine stars as a criminal under the name Babs Johnson, who, along with her freak family, must contend with the schemes of Connie and Raymond Marble, two perverts who seek to claim Divine’s title of “Filthiest Person Alive” for themselves. Regi...

*THIS WAS RECORDED AS OUR 10th EPISODE. OUR RECORDING OF TOKYO GODFATHERS WAS LOST AND WILL BE THE NEW EPISODE 10* If you thought the aliens from “Signs” were scary, wait till you see M. Night Shyamalan’s next big cinematic threat: Pennsylvanian settlers! It’s “The Village!” When death and illness begin to plague a 19th-century community, young Lucius begins to question and rebel against the villa...

Gag me with a spoon and let's get totally tubular, lads, we’re travelling back to 1980s Ireland in “Sing Street!” In this coming-of-age tale a boy named Conor is transferred to Synge Street CBS, a school that seems to double as a penitentiary, where he is relentlessly bullied by everyone. Finding his muse in the local girl Raphina, Conor lies that he has a band in order to impress her. Now Con...

A Catholic caper of ciphers, car chases, and creepy crypts? No, it’s not that Easter barbecue we don’t talk about; it must be Ron Howard’s 2006 film “The Da Vinci Code.” Based on the early 2000s phenomenon by Dan Brown, Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou lead a thrilling mystery involving the Louvre, Da Vinci’s greatest works, and a convoluted secret from an underground society. Hanks stars as Robert Lan...

While most cabin in the woods movies involve a final girl, a spooky slasher villain, and plenty of jump scares to go around, The Man From Earth boldly chooses to consist mostly of people talking in a living room for an hour and a half. Directed by Richard Schenkman from a screenplay by Jerome Bixby, this high-concept character drama follows a man revealing a long-held secret to his colleagues. Wil...

Turn that frown upside down, or the TraumaMan will get you! It’s Parker Finn’s “Smile!” Based on Finn’s short film “Laura Hasn’t Slept,” “Smile” follows in the footsteps of modern boogeyman curse films like “The Babadook” and “It Follows” with a somehow even more passive evil entity. Sosie Bacon stars as Rose, a woman plagued by an incessant force that just stands there. Happily! Rose must uncover...

Get out your camcorder and put on your Peachfuzz mask, cause we’re talking about 2014’s “Creep!” Directed by and starring Patrick Brice, this found footage thriller follows Aaron, a very stupid man, who accepts a thousand dollars from Josef, a very *creepy* man, to film a day in Josef's life for his unborn child before he dies. Ignoring the red flags through his camcorder’s screen, Aaron must...