Today’s Lucky Winner

Send us a text      There comes a time, for every eternal being, when they have to throw the rules out the window. Whether it’s after a bad breakup, losing your job, or missing out on those Manolo pumps your had your eye on: Sometimes a girl, or a Kyle, has to cut loose. The DMV may be the department that never sleeps, but thanks to cold brew (and not needing to sleep), neither does Kyle. For a gu...

Send us a text That last episode certainly left us with a tense cliffhanger, huh? I’m sure that all turns out okay. Dawn and Rita have a heart to heart while Rita is 8 blunts deep. They attempt to open a cabinet together. (That’s more exciting than it sounds) We find out that Rita has been hiding something. Rita shows an interest in whether or not aliens are real, but we’re sure it’s just because...

Send us a text In this episode- Oh, wonderful. More poop and barf jokes. And Rita does some atypical sex stuff. Why did I even show up to describe the episode to you today? It’s always the same bull-  I-I’m sorry. I stayed up late after crushing a case of energy drinks, and I’m turbo grouchy. I’m sorry I snapped. I hate when we fight. I love this job, they don’t drug test. Coincidentally, that’s e...

Send us a text In this episode: We take a detour to Dawn’s college days, where she learns about that thing where it’s daytime, but like, you can still see the moon? How is that legal? Crawford eagerly tries to keep drunk drivers off the road. That tattooed vampire lady from last episode talks about the infeasibility of trickle-down economics. Rita and Sunny go on a date. We don’t have a joke here,...

Send us a text In this episode, there’s a small glitch in Rita’s dreamscape matrix. We learn how to supplement our IRA with silver. We meet a character who’s kind of a big deal. No joke. You’re gonna cream your jeans about it. We spend some time listening to public radio, and we’ve added the Armadillo Art Festival to our calendars. Rita enjoys some trail mix. Cooter is at your service.  Cast: Narr...

Send us a text In this episode, Rita receives a diagnosis that explains A LOT. There’s a strange man at Sanguis, and he’s smoking a long cigarette in the lobby. Crawford engages in hand to hand combat with a warlock. We meet a bubbly guy named Collin, on his first day at his new job.  Something spooks the hell out of Carmilla. Wait, seriously? What could be so scary as to spook her? She ripped a g...

Send us a text In this episode: Sunny gets not fast enough, and terribly furious, while driving the ice cream truck.  Rita does the impossible! Well, the fact that she does it means it’s not impossible, but she does the highly improbable. There’s smooth jazz! We learn that the litmus test for whether or not someone is irredeemably evil lies in asking them their thoughts about the 1999 film, The Mu...

Send us a text Well jeez, last we saw Sunny, she found herself in quite the tempting predicament, huh? Perhaps this episode provides a resolution to the cliffhanger we left you on last time, or maybe it doesn’t, because life isn’t fair. (Just kidding! It does. We love you. We wouldn’t leave you hanging.) See what the stars have in store for you this week. It can’t be as bad as getting your face pe...

Send us a text This episode, Dawn is kicking sensory overload in the taint, and doing some real badass detective stuff at the VoyR Convention. Rita harasses white people who culturally appropriate, and summarily mess up, foods from other cultures. Dawn is forced to do some pest control.  Sunny learns about emojis and gains a new admirer.  We learn that if an energy vampire ever invites you to a pa...

Send us a text In this episode,  Sunny conducts a science experiment so sexy, Bill Nye is SHOOK. Rita and Sunny make us wonder if they ever went through an improv group phase in college. Dawn, on the other hand, shows us that she’s not great at “Yes, and,” but she MIGHT speak Finnish.  Rita reminisces with a guy named Russell, who has definitely met her before.  Crawford raises his voice to his mo...

Send us a text The Donkey Lady Bridge of San Antonio is a pretty messed up urban legend.  The gals cut through the misinformation, and get the story straight from the horse’s...well, donkey’s mouth. We meet a trio of ghost hunters. Rita meets a celebrity. Dawn resurrects an old special interest in the name of detective work.                                                                          ...

Send us a text In this episode, Dawn tells Rita a story rife with nudity. We learn about a rare, congenital poop disease. The gals take a road trip, and Rita eats her body weight in pretzels. We hear about the incredible gifts that our local public radio station is offering in their membership drive. Remember, their programming is made possible by listeners like you.  The ladies meet a donkey! (Tr...

Send us a text In this episode, Dawn gets an offer she might refuse. She and Rita have a heart-to-heart over a stolen wallet. Rita does drugs. We understand that could be literally any episode, we just want you to know  she does drugs in this one. Sunny and Rita do some SMOOCHIN’. We flashback to hell, where Rita teaches a demon about film history. Carmilla has a press conference. There are no dru...

Send us a text In this episode, a sexy misunderstanding leads to a knockoff Boyz II Men, evisceration, and Furbies. Dawn has some questions for an impossibly sexy Warlock. Rita eats a bunch of snacks. We know that happens every episode, but that’s really the highlight of the adventure for her. Carmilla and Crawford discuss early 00’s films and the ramifications of cyber bullying.  Oh, and a giant...

Send us a text Diane, It’s 11:30 PM in Rita’s Dreamscape. The gals are entering the town of Twink Peaks.  They see an old misogynist get an ass whoopin’, some dude’s butthole, and we take a brief detour to Australia. Rita begins a new business venture. Will she become a #girlboss? Dawn follows up on a dead witch lead, crossing paths with the Warlofia. Hold on, Warlofia? Like the Warlock Mafia? The...

Send us a text   The Oxford Dictionary defines the cloaca as “ A common cavity at the end of the digestive tract for the release of both excretory and genital products in vertebrates (except most mammals) and certain invertebrates. Specifically, the cloaca is present in birds, reptiles, amphibians, most fish, and monotremes.”      Now that we have the important stuff out of the way: The gals are b...

Send us a text      The girls are still back in 1968. Do they “edit” the timeline? That’s our nice way of asking if they say “Let’s screw with it and make another, much hotter timeline!  Who  gives a flying fart? Like this timeline is very good anyways? Heck that shart!” (We’re still not sure if we can cuss in these descriptions.)      What will their new future look like? Is there going to be wei...

Send us a text  Dawn goes back to 1955 to make sure her parents bang, or she won’t exist...hold on. Wait, that’s a different time travel story. In our story, the gals go back to 1968, where a very human Sunny has accidentally joined a vampire cult. Can they stop her from getting turned? SHOULD they? We don’t quite remember the movie The Butterfly Effect, but I think the lesson was that it’s all ch...

Send us a text Rita is forced to actually do her dang job, when Dawn decides to be a badass and take on a building full of vampires. Wasn’t this nerd supposed to be easy to chaperone?  We really got the impression she’d stay out of trouble. But now, she does acid in the woods and shoots vampires? It’s like the ending of Grease, without the misogyny and flying car. P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new h...

Send us a text The gals finally have their full moon appointment. Dawn meets an old friend, which is weird, given that her only friends are Rita and Sunny.  Flashback to the turn of the century, where the Fruitopia flowed like water. P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 7? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!...

Send us a text Dawn and Rita have some down time before their mysterious full moon rendezvous.  Rita verbally threatens someone at a sample kiosk. The gals take a trip, in more ways than one. Rita meets and old friend. Like, a REALLY old friend. The girls share their tips on making the most delectable, garlic butter roasted artichokes you’ve ever had. (Pssst...the secret ingredient is drugs.) P.S....

Send us a text In this episode, it’s the heist of the century! Not this century, but maybe a century where there wasn’t a lot going on. Definitely one of the centuries without indoor plumbing. Just a pretty chill century where there wasn’t a lot of cool stuff to heist. Also: There’s a heart to heart? Do we do that? Do we have earnest emotional moments on this show now? IDK! Listen to the episode a...

Send us a text The gals enter the DREAMSCAPE. They meet a new old timey friend...maybe a friend? Still not clear on that. Rita workshops some ideas with an iconic film and dance legend. Dawn shows us the treasure she’s been hiding in her garage.  There’s a thrilling rescue mission for a butthole bear. Cast: Narrator, Crawford - Sean Turner @seanwkturner Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid Greylance, G...

Send us a text Dawn, Rita, and Sunny save the entire city of Dallas. No joke. They manage to do it without ever leaving Dawn’s apartment. They barely even leave the living room! I swear! How did they do it? Well, I’m not going to tell you in the episode description. Listen to the dang show. Cast: Narrator - Sean Turner @seanwkturner Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid Kyle, Senator Owens  - Kyle Cough...

Send us a text We’ve been searching all day to find the Wikihow on what to do if your grim reaper swallows a bunch of pills that are evidence in a murder case. We couldn’t find one. Maybe Dawn can figure it out on her own? I don’t know. How did people handle this before the internet? Also, Dawn and Rita take a field trip to the morgue. And there’s nudity. How did we fit nudity into an audio medium...