Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

We all understand that becoming a parent is a major adjustment, yet we expect stepparents to become instant experts in their role. And by “we” I mean society, but also including ourselves. We seem to hold ourselves to this ridiculous standard — like we’re not gonna make mistakes, or there won’t be a learning curve. For me, I was already a parent when I became a stepparent, so it never occurred to...

If your partner’s ex is high conflict, limiting how much contact you have with them can also limit the potential for drama. When I saw how ridiculous Dan’s relationship was with his ex, I thought most of the conflict between houses could be pretty easily resolved through clearer communication. I’m a great communicator, so naturally I stepped in to help. That… did not go well. 😱 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️ As outs...

Becoming a stepparent gave me PTSD. And I do mean PTSD in the literal, clinical sense, as in diagnosed by an actual counselor. Living under the constant conflict between houses and never-ending uncertainty of where the next attack might be coming from turned my existing anxiety issues into a full-blown trauma response. Which it’s taken me years to heal from. I’m telling you this in case you yourse...

Knowing Dan had a kid and knowing what I was getting into are two totally different things, it turns out. It’s not that I made the decision to become a stepparent without thinking about it. I honestly thought I knew EXACTLY what I was signing up for, especially since I already had a kid myself. (Famous last words, right?) Turns out that helping someone else raise a kid that's not yours comes with...

One person in a relationship sitting back and expecting the other do all the work is never okay. And that goes double in a stepfamily. I can't believe how many stories I've heard from stepparents who are accused of not doing 'enough' by their partners… and yet their partner, the actual parent, REFUSES TO PARENT. This is some serious bullshit, folks. Stepparents should not be expected to parent mor...

You can trust your partner completely and still feel jealous of the life they had with their ex. It's normal to feel bummed that you'll never share all those important "firsts" with your partner because they already shared them with someone else. It's normal to feel angry that you'll never enjoy an uncomplicated relationship with the love of your life. So go ahead and feel jealous sometimes. Feel...

I used to blame myself when Dan's ex would go off the rails, like it was my fault I encouraged him to grow a backbone. Like maybe I never should've tried to create rules and structure for my stepkid. Maybe if I'd just kept my mouth shut, the conflict between houses wouldn't have escalated the way it did. Then I remind myself of something my sister always says: "Crazy doesn't need a reason." Even i...

If you're a stepparent feeling frustrated, stuck, or unhappy, change for the better is absolutely possible. But it's probably not gonna come from the direction you think it is. We keep waiting for our stepkids or partners or the ex to change so our lives become easier. We get increasingly frustrated when no one seems interested in changing. And the whole time, we forget that WE can change; that's...

Let's talk about your partner’s ex for a sec. Anyone else gotten wayyy too obsessed with the ex for their own good?? 🙋🏻‍♀️ That was definitely me. Man anger is a tough emotion to shake. Especially when the ex is causing so much drama that you feel like you never get a damn break from their presence overtaking your entire life. I'm not gonna say you shouldn't be mad (you're almost for sure justif...

I found it tough to connect with my stepkid, especially in our early years. She came across as entitled. She spoke in a cutesy baby voice almost constantly. She had terrible manners, including frequently being rude to me. I’m embarrassed to admit how long I thought this was a problem with her. It literally took years before the light dawned one day like — wait a sec. Where’s Dan in all this? Sure...

As the newest members of our stepfamilies, stepparents are the outsiders, which means it's easier for us to see any dysfunction or unhealthy patterns that have been invisible to everyone else. That's why, when we bring up issues that concerns us, we're told there either isn't a problem, or it's just OUR problem. Like “Well, this is how it's always been... so if you want to be part of this family,...

"No" is a complete sentence. And it's a sentence stepparents are allowed to say. It really is okay if you don't want to drop everything to watch your stepkids when your partner decided to change the visitation schedule at the last minute and didn't check with you first. It's also okay if you choose not to attend yet another school event where your stepkid ignores you and your partner doesn't corre...

A lot of folks act like stepparenting is easy. If it’s easy for them, that’s great. But stepparenting being hard for you doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. So many books and articles I read in my early stepmom days made it sound like there'd be this brief adjustment period and then we'd all be BFFs. So I thought, feeling like this gig is really hard must mean I'm reallllly messing up as a steppar...

At first I thought my stepkid just had terrible manners or a bad attitude. TBH, those might be true too. But after years of this with no improvement and actually seeing her behavior get suddenly worse, I finally realized my stepkid was being super shitty to me & Dan on purpose; she wanted to drive us away. And that is the heartbreaking nature of alienation. On some level, she wanted us to give up...

One of the few things stepfamilies have in common with a traditional family is that your romantic relationship acts as the foundation. In a traditional family, we know exactly what would happen if we continually neglected our partner to tend to the kids. We know the kids can’t come first at the cost of our relationship, and that we’ve got to carve out couple time if we want to survive as a couple....

Most stepparents enter this role with a reasonable amount of respect for our partner’s ex as our stepkid's other parent. We don't want to overstep. We want to do right by our partners and our stepkids. So we take any suggestions that we're overstepping very seriously. The last thing we want is to make things worse between houses or harder for our stepkids, right? If accused of overstepping, we typ...

As a former single mom, all I wanted was to give my kid a "real" family. Even if it killed me. The thing is, meeting Dan and then trying to force 4 strangers to feel like a family just about DID kill me. Because at no point along the way did I remember to put my oxygen mask on first. All that self-care advice I’m always sharing with you all? I did NONE OF THAT. I kept thinking, once all our issues...

Please remember that no stepparenting advice applies to every stepparent. If what you're doing works for you & your family, keep right on doing it! Feel free to ignore any "rules" about blending your family that don't apply to you and would never work for you. Blended families come in an infinite variety of flavors — the key is to find a way forward that works for you and your family. Which could...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) I talk a lot about the need for us to have realistic expectations about stepparenting, and once in a while someone gets snarky with me about that statement. They’ll say things like they shouldn't have to lower their expectations for their stepkids. That they deserve to run their household the way they want. It’s really not about lowering your expectations thou...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) Over on Instagram, I used to host Tiny Victory Tuesdays in my stories. New followers initially felt discouraged by this — they'd DM me saying they didn't have any wins to share. I'd remind them that all we're looking for is tiny victories and no win was too small to celebrate. Gradually, even the most stressed-out stepparents started sharing hes...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) I’m not here to armchair diagnose anyone or water down the word ‘narcissist’ — which is an actual diagnosable mental disorder — but I do want stepparents and their partners to be aware when they’re involved in a dysfunctional co-parenting situation that goes way beyond the realm of standard post-divorce stuff. So here’s some signs you’re probably co-parenting with...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) I used to shy away from using the word “stepmom” like it was a dirty word. But “bonus mom” squicks me out even worse so… “stepmom” it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I got to wondering, why am I so uncomfortable with that word? Introducing my stepkid as my step kid shouldn’t seem like an insult — it's a fact. That is our legal relationship to each other. I finally figured out, it...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) I used to kind of go off on Dan when I thought his kid was being kinda shitty to him & taking advantage of his generosity. And he’d just let her get away with it. UGH. Dan's sweetness & generosity of spirit are qualities I LOVE about him, so I get a little wild when anyone plays him for a sucker. (By “anyone” I mostly mean his kid and his ex.) And then...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) Stepparenting guilt can lead you one of two ways: down into a vicious shame spiral, where you end up silent, scared, and paralyzed. OR you can let that guilt propel you upwards, forgive yourself for your mistakes, and keep growing. Just like regular parents, stepparents mess up sometimes. Just like regular parents, stepparents are making this shit up as we go. And...

💬 Send us a text! (Yes really!) So many stepparents think the success or failure of their blended family lands entirely on them. But that’s not now any of this works. Both partners need to work together to blend a family. Stepparents are like guests at our partner’s cocktail party. We really need someone to invite us in, show us around, introduce us, and generally help us feel at home. Show us th...