Tiny Pep Talks for Stepparents

Society really doesn’t like stepparents, so coming into this role can feel intimidating. Or like we have something to prove, like we are NOT like those bad stepparents. We’re the GOOD stepparents. But do not let society or the ex or even your partner try to marginalize you or the stepparenting role. Our role as stepparents is critical. We contribute to our families-by-choice in positive and vital...

My stepkid had a real thing for ketchup when she was younger, borderline addiction. I’m talking, putting-ketchup-on-lasagna level of ketchup. She also had problems with acid stomach and wasn’t supposed to be eating too much tomato-based things. Dan sometimes remembered to limit her ketchup intake, but mostly not. The inconsistency drove me crazy, so I took on ketchup rule enforcement myself. Becau...

Becoming a stepparent does not negate the needs and feelings we have as individuals. And yet, so many of our partners seem to think we shouldn’t have those needs or feelings… or at least that we should be perfectly content putting ourselves and our relationship needs dead last, apparently forever. This is not sustainable. Relationships need time and attention, and so do we as individuals. Yes, the...

Since most of us have never been stepparents before, learning to recognize what's typical for life in a stepfamily vs. what's a red flag is a bit of a learning curve. For example, it’s normal for your stepkids to act out because they're kids and life in two homes is tough and they don’t like a stepparent’s rules. It’s even normal for your stepkids to not want you around whatsoever. But it’s a red...

If you think your blended family will never feel like a "real" family, first of all you’re not alone. But secondly, don’t give up! It’s officially autumn here in the northern hemisphere right now, the air is getting colder and the world is getting quieter as the birds head south and critters start hibernating. Fall is not a time for planting new things, with one exception: bulbs, like tulips and i...

Parental alienation affects your stepkid’s ability to form loving bonds… including bonding with their stepparent. Alienated kids can develop a specific set of characteristics that also make them hard to warm up to... like acting cold, rejecting you & your partner, lying between houses, and many more than I could share in a short daily podcast. So if you're beating yourself up for struggling to lov...

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack ! xo Stepparents, if you're feeling stressed out and frazzled, please know that you're allowed to TAKE. A STEP. BACK. Burning yourself out only makes it that much harder to stay grounded and sane. Two things you kinda sorta really need if you wanna to keep your head above wat...

Update: We switched hosting providers so we can’t do the texting thing anymore but do feel free to drop us a DM on Substack ! xo For inexplicable reasons, many of the people around stepparents seem to think that we shouldn’t feel stressed or overwhelmed by this role just because we chose this — because we knew our partners had kids. When a person feels stressed about starting a new job, no one say...

Again and again and again I'd try to win my stepkid over. I followed all the usual stepparenting advice: show an interest in their interests, take it slow, try not to take their rejection personally. And nada. Zilch. Nothing. I started getting desperate. I thought I could get her to like me if I acted differently. So I acted differently. Which didn't work. So then I acted a different differently....

It shouldn’t be a newsflash to say kids of divorce still need parenting… AND YET, that is the topic of today’s pep talk. A child's parents not being together anymore does not negate the reality that kids need structure. They need a regular routine. They need guidance from the adults around them. All of this helps kids feel safe and secure. However, many single parents feel guilty about giving thei...

It's human nature to want to defend yourself against false accusations, fight for equality and justice, and right the wrongs you see. It's also human nature to think to yourself "If I can just show them that I'm not the bad guy" and believe that'll somehow fix everything. But you don’t have to prove yourself to the ex (or anyone else, for that matter) for your role to be valid and your contributio...

Stepparenting in a nutshell reads like one long list of confusing contradictions. You’re supposed to be involved, but not so much so you’re overstepping. You need to give your stepkids space, but not so much that it seems like you don’t care. You need to be realistic about the role you’re taking on as a stepparent, yet optimistic enough to keep on truckin’ when the road gets dicey. And along the w...

Let me know if this cycle sounds familiar: The ex makes a unilateral co-parenting decision >> that decision interferes with your parenting time or otherwise conflicts with your morals, ethics, and values >> they know this and move ahead anyway >> you decide enough is enough and say you're not going along with it >> then THEY accuse YOU of putting the kids in the middle. If this sounds wayyy too fa...

When we've become way too used to compromising our own values, beginning to say no sometimes can feel selfish. Boundaries and self-care can feel selfish. Prioritizing our mental health isn’t selfish, though; it’s us returning to ourselves after way too much time spent erasing our voice in an attempt to keep the peace — at home and between houses — taking care of everyone except ourselves. This ste...

Has anyone else noticed that way too many stepparenting resources act like stepparents are child-hating morons who have never interacted with a single kid in our lives? I remember reading books that seriously said shit like "Listen, you're dating someone with a kid, so you might have to get used to Friday night soccer games instead of candlelit dinners." And I was like... ummm YES OBVIOUSLY. 🤦🏻‍...

Every parent needs a break from parenting once in a while, and that includes stepparents. Typically, society doesn’t accuse parents who need a break of hating their kids. Yet society loves to imply there’s something wrong with a stepparent who needs a break. Today’s pep talk is to remind you that you’re allowed to take time off from your stepkids, just like any other parent, and taking that break...

The time, energy, and effort you pour into the relationship with your stepkid might not be reciprocated. At least, not yet. Then again, possibly not ever. Or else maybe it'll come back to you and then some! 🤷🏻‍♀️ The point is, you JUST NEVER KNOW which way it's gonna go with your stepkid. And that goes double or triple in high conflict, because children of emotionally disordered parents are livi...

The ex being high conflict can have a direct impact on how well you’re able to connect with your stepkid. If your stepkid's other home is dysfunctional or abusive, then even their most basic interpretations of love, belonging, or family could be very different from yours. Maybe more different than you’d ever guess. So don't blame yourself if you're struggling to connect with your stepkid... but do...

If your stepkid wants nothing to do with you, please know that's more of a reflection on what you represent to them than it is a commentary on your personality. Your stepkid doesn't care how great you are. All they care is that you represent change, and change feels scary — especially to kids who are still shaken up from the massive upheaval of the divorce/breakup of their parents. This makes step...

Custody orders are not a matter of opinion. A parenting plan is an enforceable legal document that protects both parents' legal parenting rights. One parent cannot legally make arbitrary, unilateral decisions that affect the other parent's visitation time; that would be a violation of the custody order. And you have the legal right to report that to the court by filing contempt. Ideally though, yo...

One of my biggest stepparenting frustrations was feeling blocked in my ability to make changes for the better in the life of my stepkid. Yet — trying to parent my stepkid ended up causing stress and friction between me and my stepkid AND between me and my partner. And when that happens, it’s probably time to disengage. It’s not that you shouldn’t care how your stepkids are raised — obviously you c...

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in stepfamily life that we forget there's a big wide world beyond our blended family bubble. We can try so hard to be good stepparents that we end up losing track of who and what we are outside of our stepparenting role. When we define ourselves only by how much our stepkids like us (or whether they like us at all), or whether we feel like we’re “blended” yet, we're...

We tell our kids that big emotions feel scary, but that’s actually just as true for us grownups. Stepparenting is overwhelming a surprising percentage of the time. No matter how committed you are to building your blended family, you cannot be all in, all the time without some kind of pressure relief valve. Sometimes the only way to deflate all the seriousness down into a more manageable size is to...

Today’s pep talk is simple. I just want you to know you are not alone . You're not. As isolated as you may feel, as many cheerleading posts about stepparenting that you might read (and then feel guilty that you don't feel like a cheerleading kinda stepparent), know that stepparenting being hard is also normal. It took me years of feeling frustrated, stuck, and lonely AF before I finally figured ou...

You can’t coparent with someone who won’t compromise. If you're continually bending over backwards trying to make reasonable accommodations while the other co-parent keeps making unilateral decisions and refusing to meet you even close to halfway, I've got news for you: that's not co-parenting. That's you getting manipulated. All the advice about peaceful co-parenting assumes that both people invo...