The Weight of Stillness Podcast

Have you ever had a realization about yourself that completely flipped the script on what you thought was normal ? That happened to me this week. It started with a funny thought about why everyday slang and idioms make my brain short-circuit, and it opened my eyes to a much bigger discovery. The way I process language is anything but ordinary. It turns out, my mind is running a high-definition the...

I love talking to my husband and I absolutely love our story, so I thought it might be fun to sit down and talk to Kris today on the podcast. We took Friday (and Monday) off to celebrate our wedding anniversary, so naturally that freed us up to record a little chat about our marriage, our mess, and the miracles God poured out upon us. Today we are going to share our engagement story. It’s a funny...

In this episode, I’m opening up about: * Why restoring my marriage was easier in those first two weeks than letting down my guard with God. * The fear that kept me communicating with the other man even after I returned to my husband. * How a deep misunderstanding of scripture convinced me that God was only waiting to punish me. * The song I “hoarded” for months, the distractions that tried to stop...

Today’s podcast is going to be a little bit different. I’m pretty nerouvs about it, if I”m being honest. An honesty is something I promise here so… I just started writing poetry again after 30 years. Learning about free verse—where it doesn’t all have to rhyme—was a welcome relief. I didn’t know there were so many kinds of poetry. Here’s my extensive knowledge of the different types of poetry: * R...

When I started this podcast on Substack, I began with reading through an old blog post about Maui, from the movie Moana. Over the course of several weeks back in 2022, I watched the movie Moana on repeat. Over and over again. There was something rising up in me, and I couldn’t contain it. I had to watch. I had to take it in. And I had to write. And write. And write. And write. What came from that...

One Friday night, I found myself in a place I think some of you can relate to: exhausted, hurt, and sobbing alone on my living room floor. In the aftermath of a long week and a hard conversation with my husband, Kris, I sat with the weight of my own faults. Specifically, that sharp, sarcastic tone that tends to slip out when I’m drained. Or hot—but that’s a story for another day. As I sat there, I...

I love the movie, The Greatest Showman . In fact, I am watching it for the tenth hundredth time as I write this. But let’s be honest: I don’t really need an excuse to watch this movie. And as long as I am giving out spoilers about my obsession here, I’m also going to have to watch Les Miserables when I am done, because I simply cannot watch one without the other. Because…Hugh Jackman excellent mus...

I finally kept at it, and it eventually came out. I wiped it down then put it back in. Same problem. It said no. Holy Saturday is the day of the In-Between . It’s the silence between the death and the life. For me, it will always remind me of a season where my heart responded with “CD NO,” stubbornly resisting the very music that was trying to heal me. Today on the podcast, I’m doing a re-read of...

February 11, 2012, wasn’t the end of the struggle. It was just the night the light was turned on. What followed was a flurry of blurred lines, a packed bag, and a driveway conversation that still echoes in my mind. I left my home on a Wednesday night to find myself , but all I found was a deeper sense of being trapped. I was caught between a husband who was suddenly and inexplicably pursuing me wi...

In Part 1, I talked about the disconnect between my head and my heart and the wound that never quite healed. I used to wrestle with sharing what comes next, but I’ve realized that I can’t be who God has called me to be without acknowledging who I was . For seven and a half years, I lived in the dark. I was a Christian in name, but a wanderer in my heart. I lived a double life of infidelity while m...

Because we can’t talk about the healing until we’re honest about the hurt. When I started The Weight of Stillness, I knew I would fully lay myself bare. For the last fourteen years, I have tried to live openly and authentically. In doing so, God has grown me, used me, and taught me what it means to see other people. To look past the “sins” Christians can be so quick to point out. To not start with...

In 2012, Kris and I stood outside a marriage counselor’s office, staring at a verse on the wall about rebuilding what had been devastated. Though we bore witness to God restoring what the locusts have eaten, ten years later, in 2022, we found ourselves lost in the woods again. I was exhausted from twenty years of chronic pain, and in my loneliness, I let my brain take some old, muddy ruts. Kris ha...

Earlier this week, I shared about the “Pillowcase”—that heavy, invisible weight we carry—and the incredible moment where prayer shifted my physical pain instantly. But what happens when the “danger” starts to creep back into your shoulders a day later? Today, I’m getting raw about the “Anxiety Hangover.” I recorded this just two days after a major panic attack because I wanted to talk to you while...

“He who knows the good he ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.” — James 4:17 In 2012, I was a woman running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction. I was living a double life, tucked away under the “shadow of the steeple,” terrified that if the light ever hit my secret, I would disintegrate. But God has a way of sending invitations we can’t ignore. For me, it was a song on th...

“It’s called wayfinding, princess. And it’s not just sails and knots... it’s seeing where you’re going in your mind... knowing where you are... by knowing where you’ve been.” I spent a long time trying to be a hero. I thought if I could just “do” enough good, I could cover up the parts of me that felt unwanted or broken. I was carrying a “hook” that I thought defined me, much like Maui does in Moa...