The Virtual Couch

Tony shares an email from a listener who says that her "waking up" to the narcissism in her relationship saved her life. She shares how her relationship gradually shifted from good to a place where she regularly questioned her sanity. Plus, Tony discusses the "Maddening and Bizarre Things Narcissists Do" by Julie Hall from the Narcissist Family Files  https://narcissistfamilyfiles.com/2019/01...

Alana Gordon and her husband Luke share their story of the highs and lows of navigating a marriage after discovering Luke’s pornography and sex addiction. They talk about what their marriage looked like leading up to the discovery of Luke’s addiction if Alana saw signs before discovery, and what the relationship looked like days, weeks, months, and years after “D-Day.” Alana is the Program Directo...

Tony talks about his "aha" moment when attending a wedding over the past weekend of why marriages begin with a lot of pressure and unrealized expectations that originate from each person's family history. Then he shares Russ Harris's 4 Myths of Marriage from the book "ACT With Love" https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Love-Struggling-Differences-Relationship/dp/1572246227/ref=sr_1_1?crid=230A2KCMWA6LX&...

Does it really matter what you do throughout the day concerning your mental health? Tony tackles the impact of implicit memory and how the "flow of experience gradually sculpts your brain, thus shaping your mind" from the book "Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom" by Rick Hanson, Ph. D. https://read.amazon.com/kp/embed?asin=B003TU29WU&preview=newtab&li...

With all of the amazing advances in technology, the increased awareness of our mental health, and apps, shows, programs, and therapists at our fingertips, why is it so hard to be happy? Tony discusses the "surprising psychology of why dissatisfaction is hardwired" from the article "Why You're Never Going to Be Satisfied With Life," by Nir Eyal  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/automati...

Tony answers questions from his private Facebook group on everything from discovering your self-worth post-narcissism, how you can trust again in your new relationships, levels of intimacy, and more.  Go to  http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop  to sign up for Tony's "Magnetize Your Marriage" virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You'll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW to create a...

Tony shares his thoughts on John Kim's, aka "The Angry Therapist" article "7 Tips for Dealing with Life if You Can't Afford a Therapist," https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201802/7-tips-dealing-life-if-you-cant-afford-therapist John is the author of the book "I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck: An Everyman's Guide to a Meaningful Life." https://www.amazon.com/Used-Miserable-ev...

We've all heard the old adage, "you need to forgive and forget." But how hard is it to try to forget something that someone has done to you that causes you even to feel you need to forgive them? Is it even possible to forget certain things that people have done to us, and better yet, is that even healthy for you? Tony discusses the mental health benefits of forgiveness and the mental health challe...

Explaining your relationship to the narcissist or emotionally immature person, people, or entity in your life to those around you can be incredibly validating when it's met with empathy, curiosity, and understanding. But, when you open up to someone and they respond with judgment, neutrality, or "one-upmanship" ("you think your situation is bad, let me tell you about my co-workers, college roommat...

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife makes her 4th appearance on the Virtual Couch podcast! Tony and Jennifer discuss the difference between coaching and therapy. Jennifer currently offers couples coaching on her “Room for Two” podcast and group coaching along with traditional psychotherapy. They talk about the differences between creating true intimacy vs. seeking validation from others and moving toward...

Tony welcomes Ross Rosenberg, author of the best-selling book “The Human Magnet Syndrom - The Codependent Narcissist Trap,”  https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Codependent-Narcissist/dp/B0B31MDWYM/  to the podcast. Ross shares his personal story of what led him to write The Human Magnet Syndrome. Tony and Ross break down “Self-Love Deficit Disorder,” and Ross shares what it loo...

Tony discusses Amy Morin, LCSW's article "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do."  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201501/13-things-mentally-strong-people-dont-do Go to  http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop  to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual workshop. The cost is only $19. You’ll learn the top 3 things you can do NOW t...

Sometimes we don't realize how childhood trauma can show up in adulthood. Even the most supportive parents often tell children "not to worry about it," or "they didn't mean it," or "it's not that big of a deal." So it's not surprising that it can be difficult to sit with uncomfortable emotions. Tony goes through Dr. Andrea Brandt's article "9 Steps to Healing Childhood Trauma as an Adult," https:/...

Tony tackles the topic of co-parenting with a narcissist or emotionally immature spouse/ex-spouse. He discusses the significance of a child's reliance on external validation from a parent and what that looks like when couples stay together purely for the children. And he breaks down the article "How a Narcissistic Co-Parent Can Manipulate Your Child," by Erin Leonard Ph. D. https://www.psychologyt...

Understanding Emotional Invalidation - Why Some People Don't Feel Safe in Conversations. Tony refers to the article What Is Emotional Invalidation by Brittany Carrico  https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience#how-to-validate-someone Go to  http://tonyoverbay.com/workshop  to sign up for Tony’s “Magnetize Your Marriage” virtual works...

Tony explains "Doomscrolling," or when one feels like they can't break loose from continually scrolling through newsfeeds, or social media despite the fact that the more one scrolls, the worse one feels. Tony references the article "Understanding Doomscrolling," by Simone Scully https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/what-is-doomscrolling#tips-to-stop Visit http://tonyoverbay.com/worksho p to sign...

The pain of the narcissistic "discard" can at times feel unbearable. And for many, it seems that the harder you work to try and make sense of the discard, the more it hurts. But getting to a genuine acceptance doesn't even feel like it is on the radar. Tony digs deeper into how we show up in relationships as emotionally immature, both parties, with an almost unspoken agreement that we will mature...

VC Sorry-2022-05-26.mp3 ---------------------------------------------------TRANSCRIPT--------------------------------------- [00:00:15] Come on and take a seat. I will hurt you. [00:00:21] Hey, everybody, welcome to this episode of The Virtual Couch. I'm your host, Tony Overbay. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. And let's let's get right to it. I am going to talk today about rejection....

If you've ever been on the receiving end of gaslighting, you've probably wondered "does this person honestly believe what they are saying right now? Because they seem SO certain that it makes me question my own reality...even about something I KNOW is true!" As with all things narcissistic, there is definitely a spectrum and a lot of variables at play, but understanding "narcissistic confabulation...

Why do we often default to shame? Tony Overbay, LMFT, often says that in working with individuals trying to overcome addiction or trying to be the very best version of themselves, exactly 0 out of a few thousand people he has worked with have used shame as a tool for recovery. Yet when we stop and let our thoughts take over, they often go back to the "what's wrong with me, I'm a bad person" story....

Tony takes excerpts from David Foster Wallace's "This Is Water," Kenyon College commencement speech to discuss the need to step outside of our own ego, and experience, in order to understand others https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/ He then discusses Russ Harris's ACT metaphor "Donkeys, Carrots and Sticks" to talk about using love, or coercion to get our needs met/motivate others....

Nate Christensen, APCC and host of the Working Change podcast, joins Tony to discuss "Dopamine Nation, Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence" by Anna Lembke https://www.amazon.com/Dopamine-Nation-Finding-Balance-Indulgence-ebook/dp/B08KPKHVXQ/ Tony and Preston Pugmire are getting ready to launch another round of their popular Magnetic Marriage course! Go to http://tonyoverbay.com/magnetic to ge...

What is the difference between influence, control, and love? Is there room in a relationship to influence your partner, or do you simply need to let them be? Tony takes a few pages from Dr. Russ Harris's book ACT Made Simple https://www.amazon.com/ACT-Made-Simple-Easy-Read/dp/1684033012/ to discuss the role, in healthy relationships, of influence. Tony and Preston Pugmire are getting ready to laun...

Tony tackles the question he receives the most from listeners, should I stay or should I go? And if I decide to go, when? Plus he discusses what the training of ordinary mice to go through mazes can tell us about ourselves from Vanessa Van Edwards's article "Expectancy Effect: Improve Performance With This Human Behavior Quirk," from https://www.scienceofpeople.com/expectancy-effect/   Go to...

Is it better to try and think your way out of, or through your problems or are you only making things worse? How can simply acknowledging your issues, and looking at them with curiosity actually help? Tony discusses the article, “How Analyzing Your Problems May Be Counterproductive,” by Ray Williams  https://contextualscience.org/node/4935 Go to  http://tonyoverbay.com/worksho p to...