The Very First Podcast

Who was the very first person to ever give birth? Like... the first one? Was there a manual? Did anyone know what was happening? We sure don't, and we didn't look it up. This week we trace the origins of squeezing out a whole human with the confidence of two men who have, between us, given birth zero times. 100% unverified. As always. Got a "who did it first?" question? Mail it in.

Who was the very first gym bro? The first person to pick up a heavy rock, put it back down, pick it up again, and go "yeah, I'm gonna do that a few more times for some reason"? Did they hit a pump? Did they have a workout buddy to spot them on the boulder? We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week we hunt for the original meathead — the first human to ever chase the gains — with the confi...

Who was the very first person to ever milk a cow? Think about it — somebody looked at a giant animal, spotted the dangly bits underneath, and decided "I'm gonna squeeze those and drink whatever comes out." That's a wild leap of faith. Was it hunger? A dare? Pure curiosity gone too far? We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week we chase down the brave (or deeply confused) soul who pioneere...

Who was the very first person to ever ride a horse? Some lunatic looked at a giant, powerful animal that could absolutely kill them and went "I'm gonna climb on its back and see what happens." No saddle. No reins. No plan. Was it bravery? Was it a bet? Was he just trying to impress someone? We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week we track down history's first cowboy — the original "hold...

Who was the very first person to ever put on clown makeup? Picture it — somebody woke up one day, painted their entire face white, added a big red nose, drew on a giant smile, and decided "yes, this is how I help people have a good time." Was it joy? Was it a cry for help? Was the very first clown actually kind of terrifying? (Spoiler: probably.) We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week...

Who was the very first person to ever stand up and go "OK OK — I'M IN CHARGE HERE"? Think about it: at some point in a group of equally clueless cavemen, one guy decided he was the boss. Nobody elected him. Nobody asked. He just declared it loud enough that everyone went "...okay, I guess?" Was it confidence? Was it the world's first power grab? Was he immediately overthrown by a guy with a slight...

Who was the very first person to ever get a haircut? Some shaggy caveman's hair got long enough to be a real problem, and somebody — maybe him, maybe a "friend" — grabbed the sharpest rock around and went "hold still." No mirror. No scissors. No "so, doing anything fun this weekend?" Just a sharp rock and a lot of trust. Was it the first style? The first bad style? The first time someone ugly-crie...

Who was the very first person to ever start an ant farm? Some absolute weirdo looked at the tiny bugs marching across his floor and thought "you know what? I'm gonna trap a bunch of you in a box and just... watch." Not eat them. Not study them. Just stare at them through glass for entertainment. Was it loneliness? Was it the world's first reality show? Did the ants consent to this? We don't know,...

Who was the very first person to ever dance? At some point a human heard a rhythm — a drumbeat, a bird, their own heartbeat — and just started moving . No steps. No training. No idea if it looked good. Just a body wiggling around while everyone else watched and went "...what is he doing?" Was it joy? Was it a trance? Was the first dance actually just a guy who stepped on something hot? We don't kn...

Who was the very first person to ever start a conga line? Picture it — a party's going, and one person grabs the hips of the person in front of them, who grabs the hips of the person in front of them , and suddenly there's a human train snaking through the room for no reason anyone can explain. Who started it? Why did everyone just... join? What deranged confidence does it take to grab a stranger...

Who was the very first person to ever wear pants? Buckle up, because we're ending season one the only way we know how — by screaming about leg tubes. Picture some chilly, bare-legged ancestor staring down at the two perfectly good limbs flapping in the wind and going "what if. Now hear me out. What if I trapped each one. In its own personal fabric tunnel." TWO tunnels. A waist sationation holding...

Who was the first person to ever smoke weed? Some caveman? A bored farmer? A goat that ate the wrong plant and a guy took notes? We don't know, and we didn't look it up. This week we hunt for patient zero of getting high with the confidence of two men who have absolutely no business answering the question. 100% unverified. As always. Got a "who did it first?" question? Mail it in.