The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck

Another tape showed up, and I had to listen through the usual haze of static, crosstalk, and a phone call that cut in halfway through. I’m still trying to figure out who is calling them, or how they even have service out there. The conversation is hard to follow, but there are offhand mentions of aerial supply drops . They talk about waiting for things to “fall out of the sky” like that’s their no...

Tape 26: “Tires, Carrots, and Other Local Crops” Got another recording today—this one opens with them claiming to have reached my “secretary” (the voicemail, I assume), asking if she has good penmanship. After that, the call wanders through Bootstuck’s new agricultural report: apparently they’ve got a backfield full of “wild tires” that “grow” in the mud, plus a bumper crop of unexpected carrots....

Tape 25: “Bruise Your Bum?” There was a voicemail waiting this morning. I still have no idea how they got my number. No callback info, no explanation—just another rambling dispatch from Bootstuck. It opens with a commotion in one of the backrooms and quickly derails into a story about beach injuries sustained from excessive waving. When pressed for any kind of local wisdom, they suggest an owl cou...

It starts innocently enough: Hat Guy claiming there’s going to be an airshow. This, naturally, turns out to mean one plane seen from very far away, a helicopter that might’ve been a goose, and a deflated rainbow-shaped hot air balloon salvaged from wherever such things land when they've had enough. Still, it’s more organized than the ski hill. Things then veer into a community talent show whe...

This tape starts with snowmobiling. Or rather, the sound of snowmobiling — since the machines don’t move, the locals just make noises and call it “Skidoo.” Caleb provides ear-wind simulation. What follows is a baffling rundown of Bootstuck’s print-based “social media flyer” (which might be Facebook, or a hand-drawn newspaper), an attempt to replicate the Sears catalogue by hand, a supplement run “...

I’ve been cataloguing these tapes for months now, and I’m still not sure if Bootstuck is a functioning township or an elaborate performance art piece. This tape starts with something called a "snowman minute" —a unit of time defined by how long it takes to both build and melt a snowman—and somehow drifts into what can only be described as a failed Winter Olympics bid… held in someone&apo...

I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this. This latest tape kicks off with a brief mention of Titanic 2 (apparently still unreleased in Bootstuck), and only gets murkier from there. There’s discussion about avoiding spoilers—of both the cinematic and automotive variety—followed by a story about someone named Stephen who didn’t wave and has now been entered into a “wishy-washy book,” which I...

The latest tape starts with caps. Specifically, hat inventory. Apparently, the King of Canada (real or dream-based, unclear) has advised the residents to prepare for winter with new ice scraper-equipped toques. From there, it veers. There’s mention of a new goldfish-based restaurant called Fish Each —the name refers to a strict one-fish-per-person policy and modelled after Red Lobster or Red Monst...

This one kicks off like a 1940s social hygiene film before it collapses into a tale of unstable real estate, gravy-based adhesives, and existential architecture. Hat Guy shares a nursery rhyme, forgets how houses work, and constructs a two-bedroom, zero-bed home entirely out of playing cards. No one moves in. Fortunately. Elsewhere, Hat Guy may be opening a business, launching a sport, or reinvent...

The Bootstuck tape machine coughs up another bewildering recording featuring a long, one-sided voicemail, a heated discussion about boot buckles, and a serious deep dive into gravy economics. The townsfolk debate the practical dangers of decorative footwear, the true purpose of a “gravy boat,” and whether Canadian Tire money can be legally used when the nearest Canadian Tire is 400 miles away. Mea...

The holiday spirit arrives in Bootstuck with all the confusion and homemade flair you’ve come to expect. Tape 17 crackles to life with a musical tribute to the humble jug—an instrument that can be played anywhere, anytime, and preferably without warning. Meanwhile, townsfolk debate the ethics of inflatable lawn décor (giant possums included) and hatch plans for an unsanctioned Christmas light show...

Recovered in less-than-ideal condition, Tape 16 is a chaotic casserole of overlapping conversations, occasional military interference, and enough Bootstuck-brand nonsense to fog a lens. The first segment features Hat Guy wrestling with the existential crisis of which light belongs at which end of a vehicle—head or tail—while rhapsodizing about the convenience of disposable thumbs. Meanwhile, Dave...

 We open on what might be a radio answering machine and Hat Guy is mid-panic, convinced he’s being hunted by dinosaurs (real? metaphorical? unclear), and then the message cuts off like someone pulled the plug. The tape picks up later with our weary interviewer attempting a Bootstuck-style lightning round, which is to say: rapid-fire nonsense in hopes of coaxing coherence out of chaos. Spoiler: it...

Tape 14 opens with what I can only describe as an audio endurance test. Our slow-talking, never-named narrator yawns his way into a conversation about Bootstuck’s latest developments—if you can call them that. We’re introduced to the annual Carve-Off , a celebration of, well, carving... though the categories are as off-kilter as everything else in Bootstuck. Caleb will be carving wood, naturally,...

This tape opens, inexplicably, with a commercial for explosion protection —a service that suggests either Bootstuck has a blast radius problem, or someone got a little too ambitious with a microwave. Our unnamed slow-talking friend returns shortly after, pondering the mystery of why pizzas are round, boxes are square, and leads to pitch of his latest business venture: a pizza place called Been Aro...

Just when I think I might be closing in on something concrete, Bootstuck takes a sharp turn back into the absurd. Tape 12 introduces us to Terrence , a man who apparently lives in a place called Nearby , which—naturally—is not nearby at all. It’s 70 kilometers away or, as Dave puts it, “seven songs,” depending on his mood and fuel level. The rest of the tape is a dizzying preview of the upcoming B...

This tape gives us a rare seasonal snapshot: winter in Bootstuck. And, true to form, it’s not exactly what you’d call conventional. Dave is apparently wrapped in Christmas lights—possibly by accident, possibly as a coping mechanism—and the others decide to just leave him like that. As a display. A living, blinking reminder that Bootstuck celebrates the holidays... differently. We’re also introduce...

Tape 9—or at least what’s left of it—is mostly static, warped and broken. But somewhere in the noise, a voice punches through, crackling out what sounds like call letters: "JEAN." Maybe it's just interference, maybe I'm reading too much into it—but it feels intentional. And in Bootstuck, that’s enough to set my mind racing. Once the tape settles, we’re back to familiar chaos. O...

In this episode, we uncover a curious new detail: Bootstuck has a radio station. That might explain some things—and raise a few more questions. Our notoriously unreliable informant, Hat Guy, returns with another garbled news update, making it tough to pin down what’s actually happening in this mysterious place. There's a mention of a restaurant called “Eater Way” and a chef named Dave—possibl...