The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck

A torrential downpour hits Bootstuck, and the townsfolk treat it like an Olympic event. Our narrator excitedly describes his tactical methods for “dodging raindrops” and “putting out buckets,” before proudly announcing the formation of a brand-new body of water—Bootstuck Lake—created (apparently) by the rain itself. In between weather reports, Hat Guy makes a slippery return after tumbling down th...

In this installment, the documenteur’s patience continues to erode as Bootstuck introduces yet another baffling innovation: the Personal Walking Association (or “PWA”). According to the locals, it’s an organized fitness initiative led by a man named Uber who walks people around “places.” Membership numbers stretch into the millions, and no one seems entirely sure what it’s for — except that it inv...

The documenteur, once again hanging by a thread of patience, tries to have a reasonable conversation while the residents of Bootstuck crawl around town “looking for scraps” and debating the difference between beets and beats. What begins as small talk about sore knees quickly dissolves into confusion about dance parties, water suppliers named River, and the discovery of Bootstuck’s newest local ce...

The documenteur once again attempts to establish a thread of logic in Bootstuck, only to be derailed immediately by talk of sleep aids — ranging from chamomile tea to the rather more concerning chloroform and carbon monoxide. Dave, it seems, has been missing for six weeks, but nobody’s alarmed; apparently, he was just “sleeping under a tree." When pressed about education in Bootstuck, the loc...

The recording begins with confusion over who’s actually speaking—Dave has stepped away to rescue yet another burned pot of porridge, leaving the conversation in the hands of Hat Guy. What follows is an increasingly unhelpful brainstorming session about Post-it notes . Dave has been scattering them across fields, hoping the mysterious “Dropbox guy” might deliver peanuts. Suggestions arise that mayb...

This tape drifts between nonsense poetry, snack offerings, and unexpected town updates, stitched together by interference and interruptions. It opens with a ramble about dandelions, wishes, and snow cones , before a voice insists on offering the interviewer a peanut butter sandwich through the radio . Things derail into complaints about “wave and Tony,” which is either a person, a product, or both...

Another one from the Sudbury box that reads like half a weather report and half a late-night infomercial. It begins with someone solemnly tuned to the “hot chocolate channel,” explaining how to make your cocoa the exact temperature you desire — and, when it cools, how to rescue it with a scoop of something Bootstuck calls hotener . Caleb is dispatched to “boil up another pot” while the rest of the...

Bootstuck begins the day with a greeting both dramatic and obvious: “Here I am. Look at my face eyes.” From there, the conversation turns lunar. The townsfolk celebrate the moon depending on its fullness—full moons get full howls, half moons get hoots, and cloudy nights simply mean supper. This tradition, naturally, comes from a wild dog. Dinner is also a focus, thanks to the arrival of 72 cans of...

Spring stirs something in Bootstuck, and apparently that something is an ocean under construction . What began as a single hole, diligently filled with Caleb’s 17 buckets of water, has now become a civic engineering project—one bucket per week until the town achieves “ocean status.” Skeptics suggest it’s more of a pond, but optimism prevails. In equally practical fashion, the locals have invented...

This week in Bootstuck, a new civic initiative is announced: treasure chests filled with nickels and notes will be hidden around town, doubling as both a wishing well and a municipal mystery. Meanwhile, preparations are underway for a “cake show,” featuring Gerald popping out of one, Caleb baking another, and Dave inevitably producing something spaghetti-shaped. The town also attempts a census by...

Bootstuck continues its grand tradition of opening businesses that should not exist. Fish Beach, the town’s only two-fish restaurant, is thriving thanks to its “hooking parties,” while Tongues and Toes — the shoe-store-coffee-house hybrid that once served cups of Joe’s literal ashes — is finally closing its doors. (Don’t worry, the locals are going back to drinking gravy.) The conversation drifts...

The latest tape finds our documenter once again baffled by Bootstuck’s cast of interrupters, half-formed ideas, and curious definitions of everyday life. It begins with a supposed “hat guy” sighting, quickly derailed by a newcomer who can’t open his mouth more than a finger-width. From there, the conversation slides into a burned kettle story, the philosophy of “smart ass” versus “dumb ass,” and a...

Tape 40 opens with an image that’s equal parts slapstick and unsettling: Caleb, attempting what he calls “skywalking,” ties his shoelaces around his hands until he can’t breathe, only to be spun around, slapped on the backside, and sent rolling down a hill like a roly-poly bug. Inexplicably, Hat Guy leaves the room mid sentence to holler a bunch of cattle off the front lawn. From there, the conver...

The tape opens with a heated accusation of lying, quickly derailed into a plan for a New Month’s Resolution: stop working out and start smoking (though the order is negotiable). A discussion of pizza geometry (round box, square pie, triangle slice) swerves into the concept of “topic drift,” which apparently includes drifting cars in Tokyo via mysterious wind power. Attention shifts to Stephen “Mar...

The tape begins with a triumphant ode to soup — thick enough to hold a flag and hotter than rice — before veering into an odd declaration that “science is a fact.” This somehow segues into a taxonomy lesson where chickens are “land fish” and tuna is “the chicken of the sea.” A grim food memory surfaces: polishing off a case of tuna, only to realize the tins bore a picture of a cat. From there, din...

What begins with a vague reference to “current affairs” quickly turns into another Bootstuck spiral of half-finished thoughts, potatoes, and emotional trauma. The narrator once again attempts to document meaningful insight from the townsfolk, only to be met with suspicious snuggling rumors, unsettling clown chatter, and a sudden confession about itchy necks and abandoned parents. Somewhere in the...

 In this unusually musical instalment, the town confronts the potential arrival of a Walmart with its usual level of deeply flawed logic and overly enthusiastic planning. The tape opens with a morning anthem , improvised in real time and including references to jackets, wolves, and " Walking your Steven" Things escalate quickly from there. Concerned about the rise of future tourism and t...

EPISODE SUMMARY (Tape 35): A long-distance call with questionable audio quality spirals quickly into fashion advice, livestock comparisons, silent Caleb, and a surprisingly long telephone cord. Listeners are introduced to a popular local garment made of lamb wool and allegedly topped with a rabbit testicle pom-pom . If no rabbits are available, a Ferret substitute will do. The logistics are unclea...

 A long-distance call with questionable audio quality spirals quickly into fashion advice, livestock comparisons, silent Caleb, and a surprisingly long telephone cord. Listeners are introduced to a popular local garment — a fleece-lined “chook” (hat) — made of lamb wool and allegedly topped with a rabbit testicle pom-pom . If no rabbits are available, a fairy substitute will do. The logistics are...

This recovered tape opens with a critical musical analysis of Led Zeppelin (mistakenly called Heavy Blimps ), accused of using “pots and pans” as instruments and expressing “a lot of love” — roughly 600 loves , by one count. Rita, a long-anticipated seasonal force (or possibly a person), rolls into town early , knocking over Caleb in the process. Her arrival is announced by screaming, thuds, and a...

Tape 32 begins mid-conversation as usual, with someone attempting to introduce the mayor before getting sidetracked by vague mouth-based declarations. The bulk of the recording centers on an impromptu town council meeting about real estate agents coming to Bootstuck and the possibility of building 50 new homes . This is seen as “good for business,” though what business that is remains unclear. The...

A surprise reconnection by telephone leads to the discovery of The Bubble Games — a loosely defined series of recreational events that seem to involve hand shoes, bubble ingestion, and poorly supervised air drops. The episode’s main event is the Hand-Shoe Race , a high-risk game where participants place shoes on their hands, raise them skyward, and attempt to run around without colliding with heat...

Found another tape in that old box from the Sudbury garage sale. I’m still trying to figure out why these people even bothered to record any of this. This one opens with our familiar Bootstuck correspondent ranting about “training your ears to hear fast” by imitating rap music—he actually says rap rap rap rap like that’s instructional. Then he goes on about lines, arrows, and their life purpose (a...

Another tape cleaned up and transcribed, another mind bending conversation from the 'Stuck. It opens in classic Bootstuck fashion with a baffling promise to “pleasure a man with a musical number,” before drifting into talk about the arrival of Spring—though any meaningful plans from Caleb seem vague at best. There's also an extended and pointless analysis of Dave’s calves, which are appa...

Another tape and I'm not sure if the numbering is sequential because the subject matter certainly isn't. No introduction, no real context and no interviewer—just Don ranting about Bill's “topless billboard.” He claims it lost the entire top half in a storm, leaving only the bottom and needing a rebuild from a topless neighbour. There’s back and forth about whose job it is to fix it,...