The Unburdened Leader

Nostalgia can be a balm. Especially when we’re in what feels like a never-ending season of upheaval and change, where every time we start to get our footing, something shifts yet again. When we’re in the throes of change–in the liminal space, the in-between, the in-betwixt–we as human beings are neurologically wired to seek out what’s known, to reach for comfort and what feels like home. And nosta...

When you hear the word, feedback, what comes up for you? Most of us do not have a neutral relationship with feedback. It’s tangled up with our past experiences, workplace power dynamics, cultural expectations, and–importantly–our early relational wounds. But at its core, feedback is a deeply relational act that has the power to help us unburden rather than re-wound. Which is why it’s so frustratin...

The leaders I work with want to be the kind of leaders who can handle complexity without defaulting to blame, shame, or shutting down. But when visibility and accountability collide with unhealed relational wounding, it doesn’t matter how many books we’ve read or retreats we’ve attended; our bodies remember. And it can feel deeply uncomfortable. Discomfort is part of the gig, though. If we let it,...

Fear of the unfamiliar is a powerful force.  And when it comes to autism, we don’t only have a knowledge problem, we have a courage problem.  We’ve all seen or experienced the harm that comes with labels, bullying, and social exclusion.  But reflexively protecting ourselves keeps us locked in a cycle of ignoring the need for real education beyond tropes or inspiration porn and keeps us from normal...

We often hear the advice, “You just need to find your community.” It sounds simple. Hopeful, even. But it can ring hollow for anyone who has tried to do it, and for those in leadership roles where they carry the additional burdens of responsibility and visibility. And it’s especially fraught advice for anyone who has experienced relational trauma. Because true community isn’t something you stumble...

Many things we once widely accepted as true and considered non-controversial galvanize intense debates. Leaders are often advised to stay neutral, to not get political when these issues come up in their organizations. Of course leaders should be mindful of what they discuss, how, and with whom. But that isn’t the same as being apolitical or neutral. In fact, our collective discomfort with being po...

The issues at stake—our health, our rights, how we educate our kids—demand a lot from us. Yet, in today’s attention economy, leaders don’t always earn influence through integrity and truth. Instead, they master the art of capturing emotions, feeding fears, and speaking to lived experiences, often amplifying misinformation rather than challenging it. When leaders step into the fight against misinfo...

Given our political situation in the United States, you may be hearing a lot of people–myself included–talk about living your values. Not just professing them, but really living them, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s hard work that requires a lot of internal fortitude. But we so often default to acting against our values in order to protect ourselves and those we love from real or perceived dang...

In Twelve Step programs, the first step, as I understand it, is recognizing that we are powerless to heal alone. We cannot overcome addiction, trauma, or systemic oppression through sheer willpower or individual effort. Healing, recovery, and meaningful change require connection, support, and systems that foster growth. All true! But we should not make a virtue out of being powerless. Recognizing...

Toxic leadership stems from the burdens of unresolved trauma and difficult life experiences.  When you don’t do the work to regulate your nervous system, the parts of you that protect you through mico-managing, shaming, blaming, not trusting anyone, or worse will eventually wreak havoc on your career, those you lead, and your own capacity for discomfort. So, what does it look like for you to commi...

These days, the call for leaders to be adaptable, agile, flexible, clear, focused, and calm could lead many to think it's not okay to feel or that you need to be a robot. We minimize our feelings and put on a brave face until we can no longer fake it, sometimes in the name of being “regulated.” When there's a trend in language or an approach to healing, it can sometimes be reductive in how it's ta...

I know I’m not alone in feeling like 2024 was a year. So many of us are still working through everything that happened as we wonder exactly what lies ahead. As part of that reflection on the year past and preparing for the year ahead, long-time listeners may know that I am a big believer in debriefing. I debrief weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annually, and each year, I share my annual debrief wit...

As I’ve been reflecting on the past year, themes of relational trauma, betrayal trauma, and shame have come up again and again in our culture at large and in the work I do with leaders. Relational and betrayal traumas disrupt our ability to trust—ourselves, others, and even the world around us. These wounds often linger in ways we don’t fully see. They impact how we navigate relationships, handle...

When was the last time you felt truly moved by something you saw or heard? It could be a piece of art or music, a line from a book or poem, being with someone you love, or even a perfect bite of food, but those moments that stop us in our tracks are more than fleeting pleasures. These “glimmers” create space for our bodies to exhale so that we can experience wonder, awe, and joy. Learning to recog...

Have you ever looked around and felt that the way you live and work isn’t sustainable?  It’s hard to find anyone who hasn’t felt the weight of this relentless pace and the intense pressure to keep up as if this is just how modern life has to be. But what if it doesn’t have to be this way?  Our culture in the U.S. is burdened by pressures to keep up, excel, and do it all, often without the support...

Humans tend to crave certainty. In the face of the unknown, we rely on prescriptions and narratives to help us feel better and make sense of what we can’t yet see coming. For many, sitting with uncertainty like what we are facing now, post-election in the United States, is deeply unsettling and even destabilizing. They brace for what might come next, anxious and ruminating, and looking for answers...

When you think about resilience, what comes to mind? Our culture loves narratives about triumphing over hardship. And overcoming pain, heartbreak, and even abuse can make us stronger. However, uplifting “overcoming” too often comes at the expense of actually examining and addressing the lack of care, protection, and support people had to navigate on their path to resilience. We valorize grit and p...

As the United States approaches one of the most important elections, many people I know are expressing how the current state of affairs is affecting their work, home life, and overall well-being. With the stress and the chaos, it would be easy to shut down and ask, “Why bother?” This is why it feels especially timely to bring back my long-time friend, Iowa state representative and state house mino...

What prevents you from speaking up? When you were younger, what was your experience when you spoke up? Were you heard, or were you silenced, ignored, or punished?   The echoes of earlier wounds often shape our ability to speak up. Our ability to speak up is often influenced by the burden of past experiences, whether it's in meetings, public forums, or one-on-one conversations, speaking up can feel...

When was the last time you said, “Why bother?” When overwhelm, exhaustion, burnout, and the weight of responsibility set in, it's easy to become cynical and ask, "What's the point?"  Cynicism can be a defense mechanism, shielding us from difficult emotions or experiences, but it also traps us in survival mode, limiting our ability to see new possibilities or paths forward.  Constantly being in fig...

How does curiosity show up in your life, work, and relationships? Does your curiosity influence your strategy or planning? Or do you follow your curiosity to gain more knowledge or deepen your understanding of topics or viewpoints? Do you lean on curiosity to help you get to know someone better in ways that satisfy your interests or deepen your connection? Do you keep following your curiosity even...

What is your relationship with your dreams? Not your goals or visions for the future, but the actual dreams that appear when you sleep? Deepening our understanding of our dreams is not just a trailhead, but a transformative journey to better understanding ourselves, what drives us, what limits us, and what impacts our choices and behaviors. Today’s guest, Selden “Dee” Kelley, urges us to take the...

When you are excited about something, how do you show up? Do you wear excitement and passion on your sleeve for all to see?  Maybe your personality is more low-key and strategic, and it is less obvious when you're really excited about an idea, a vision, or being a part of something. Or maybe you adapt and edit yourself, muting your responses to play it cool for fear you won’t be taken seriously. ...

What sparks your imagination? What shuts down your capacity to imagine? Where does your mind go when the stakes are high, and the pressure feels too great? Do you find yourself mentally preparing for the worst possible outcomes, as if you were rehearsing a play? Do you shut down or numb out to manage your fears and anxieties? Our brains naturally seek comfort in the known or fill in the unknown wi...

What does it mean to you to live a life with no regrets? Is that even possible? What if it’s less about avoiding regrets entirely and more about being clear on your values, dreams, and desires and combining that with intentional practices to build a life focused on things that matter to you and the world around you? Of course, this takes work because we’re constantly pulled in many different direc...