The Uffda Times-Picayune

The year is 2009. The first decade of the new millennium is coming to an end. The economy is in shambles. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is released to great acclaim. I am in 7th grade, and Facebook just arrived in my middle school. I was an active internet user from a young age. I regularly used the “kitchen computer” for Wikipedia wormhole dives, YouTube videos, and online games like Runescape....

Alright. Alright, alright, alright. The b***h is back. Sound the trumpets. Lay down the red carpet. Bring out your offerings. UTP is back for 2026. Originally, I had written a whimsical intro about the razzmatazz and pizzazz of welcoming the new year and my overcoming a writer’s block that has afflicted me for the better part of two months. I was actually finalizing the edits to this very edition...

Hey this is Noah Hansen saying howdy to all the girls out there in Radioland. Or Newsletterland if you’re reading this instead. Hey listening audience, did you know this is also written down on Substack? You don’t just have to read the auto-generated “show notes” on Spotify. Anyway, it’s been a long week. Eddie Kingston tried to “do it the right way” and lost to Samoa Joe, but not before Joe could...

Welcome back, friend, to the newsletter and podcast that puts the UTP in perfect utopia: The Uffda Times-Picayune. This one would be a good one to read and follow along with the voiceover, especially for the third article. I’m getting better at podcasting! As our brave and noble movement of journalistic malpractice marches forward and onward to victory over the dreaded menace, truth, we’ve also pi...

Happy Black Friday UTP ’ers. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving and made a point to bring up controversial topics and plug my newsletter to your coolest family members. I really appreciate it. I also hope you full-body-checked five dads for a good TV deal, but I know you didn’t, because that America we were promised is gone. RETVRN! Actually, I thought people didn’t shop on Black Friday in-person,...

Welcome back to another edition of the world’s most recommended newsletter/podcast to my friends’ coworkers. This week we’re back to normal after we wrapped up Putting the Moron in Moroni last week. I’m really proud of what I put together and I hope you’ll give it a read/listen if you haven’t already— start with episode 1 here. Also: this newsletter is also a podcast, which you can now listen to o...

“When you go home today, especially you young kids, I want you to write in your journal one thing you felt while you were here.” - Senior sister missionary to us following our tour of Carthage Jail Note from the author: Welcome to the very last main edition in this godforsaken series. I’m going to do some kind of haul-type rundown of the books and other paraphernalia I got on this road trip and in...

When I was in high school, 10th grade was the year we took American History, and I opted to take the Advanced Placement version of the class, colloquially known as AP US History (APUSH). If you don’t remember or your school declined to participate in the gifted kid industrial complex, these classes were billed as college-level courses and provided as a substitute for an honor’s class, but instead...

Editor’s Note: You might have noticed I took September and almost all of October off. This was, in part, because Mormons have frequently been in the national news these past months, and almost entirely for bad reasons. My thoughts are with the community in Grand Blanc, Michigan. To quote Alyssa Grenfell: “nothing can ever justify violence against people for what they believe,” and no one should be...

HEY YOU, YEAH YOU. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND YOU LISTEN TO THE VOICEOVER COMPANION/PODCAST BY READING THIS IN THE SUBSTACK APP OR ON YOUR LAPTOP OR WHATEVER, JUST NOT IN AN EMAIL. I PUT A LOT OF WORK INTO IT AND I HAPPEN TO THINK IT’S PRETTY FUNNY TOO. KTHXBAI xD A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR Hello dear friend. I hope you are well. I am pleased to share the first newsletter in a little while. I took a break i...

In many ways, Joseph Smith is the 1800’s proto-L. Ron Hubbard (founder of Scientology). The forerunner for b******t, batshit cults, if you will. Scientology and Mormonism have a lot of similarities—they’re both American, they’re both highly-structured, hierarchical, pseudo-corporate entities cosplaying as a church, and most importantly for the next few editions of this series, they were both found...

“This earth was once a garden place, with all her glories common, and men did live a holy race, and worship Jesus face to face, in Adam-ondi-Ahman.” - Mormon hymn “Adam-ondi-Ahman” Listen: this newsletter series is also a podcast. It’s through the “voiceover” feature on Substack - listen for free on Substack or in the Substack app Missed an issue? Start at Part 1 here. The Mormons really thought t...

Listen: these are podcasts too, only on Substack. Catch up on the whole series starting with Part 1 here. Follow us on Instagram: @uffdatimes The first article of this series was titled “The World’s Most American Religion.” I made this claim because there aren’t many institutions that represent the American experiment quite like the Mormon Church. TSSC would be just a twinkle in Joseph Smith’s eye...

“We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.” - Article Ten of the LDS Church Articles of Faith “I believe that God lives on a planet called Kolob! I believe tha...

Listen: I’m recording podcast-style narrations for this series. You can listen on Substack and in the Substack app, catch Part 1 here. When Joseph Smith published the Pearl of Great Price in 1838, he claimed to have received his “First Vision” and visit from God in 1820 The story goes that he didn’t know what church to join, so he went to the woods, fell on his knees, and asked God. Heavenly Fathe...

Listen: I’ve made a voiceover for this article and actually put some work into the production. I’d like to do podcast-y stuff and this is my first shot. Give it a listen in the Substack app or website. Follow us on Instagram: @uffdatimes Since I was in high school, I’ve had a fascination with the members of and institution that is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, AKA the Mormon Chu...

EPISODE 2 | JULY 4, 2025 | UTP SALUTES 2025 YEARS OF AMERICAN HEGEMONY When a reasonable newsletter author is driven to do unreasonable things, you might expect the worst. But when a “““reasonable”””" man is driven to do (extremely) unreasonable things, you probably should expect the worst. Just over 21 years ago, on June 4, 2004, a local libertarian extremist turned internet folk hero, Marvin Hee...