The SelfWork Podcast

People who are in crisis, whether it's mental, emotional or physical, usually report a very similar path to me. At first, everyone is there. Food and flowers are delivered after a death; people offer to take your kids if you’re recovering from surgery, or you had a car wreck, or your home was damaged in a tornado. If your friends know you’ve broken up with your significant other, you get texts...

I had the great pleasure of talking to New York Times best-selling author, Terri Cheney, a couple of weeks ago. She's come forward the last few years to reveal her struggle with severe bipolar disorder in books that are as transparent as they are dramatic. I read her her newest book, Modern Madness, and frankly couldn't put it down. And even though I've been a clinician for over twenty...

When I began looking for how to shape this 200th episode of SelfWork, I wanted to share my own major self-doubts about creating SelfWork. Was I truly an expert? What if I made mistakes? But that wasn't the worst. There was one more that was even stronger... so I turned to the wisdom of Maya Angelou for some help. And I received it from her - and will share it today with you. We’re going to tal...

Today's "You Get the Gist" is about nomophobia. And you have to listen to find out what it is. (There's a test for it in the show notes below...)  I admit it. I have it. Not a severe case, but I'm as guilty as the next guy. So what follows is what it is and as always, what you can do about it. So now, you get the gist. Important Links: Here’s a test to see if you have it , crea...

What is a trauma bond? How does it form? Why is it important for that dynamic to have its own label or name” Trauma bonding happens when trust is highly manipulated; when commitment and trying to make a relationship work is used against someone as a way to keep them in denial or disbelief that a relationship is harmful to them. I’ve been there. I still have never revealed all that happened in that...

Today I’m starting some segments that will feature what’s going on in the news about mental health. I’ll touch on my thoughts and responses - So you’ll get the gist. Less than five minutes and hopefully packed with information. Today’s You Get the Gist is about the recent athletes who’ve come forward to talk openly about their mental health struggles. Men and women we look up to for their athletic...

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and I want to be a part of debunking what are commonly believed myths concerning suicide. I also want to make sure you're safe. If you become triggered, here's  the link to all the suicide services that are known in every country that provides them. It helps to reach out – that’s been proven over and over… so please if you need to talk or tex...

Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance , used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I...

Today we’ll be focusing on anger in relationships.  I've seen anger completely mismanaged and it can sabotage what started out as a relationship with much potential. We'll discuss some basic characteristics of anger that are vital to know, as well as a specific dialectical behavioral technique called DEARMAN - which is an effective way of remembering and practicing how to communicate with...

Today's topic was weirdly and almost synergistically created. As I was researching emotional expression, two quite different sources led me to the work of Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. I'll share her and Dr. Tim Lomas' work with you today, as we discover an entirely new way of thinking about how emotions are created. And maybe just why someone who's learned to "suck it up" stru...

I had a patient say to me the other day, not in a complaining way, but sort of in a “can’t believe it” kind of way – “I’ve been in therapy with you now for a year. I thought I’d be here for maybe a couple of months.” I want to share a bit of his story as well as others who’ve used therapy not to simply make immediate changes in the direction they’ve wanted or needed - but to make lasting change. C...

John Moe first got my attention when I became a podcaster and listened to his very popular podcast The Hilarious World of Depression. What makes him unique and truly loved by his listeners is his transparency about his own depression and his very wry sense of humor. After making a living as a comic, a writer and then an NPR broadcaster,   he faced his own severe depression. As he interviewed comed...

Round Two is coming your way! I had both many women and men attend the Part One of this free workshop on July 30th and their questions were both poignant and intriguing. Part One explained the potential dangers of perfectionism and what exactly perfectly hidden depression is and why it occurs. If you missed Part One, no problem! You can watch it at my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/work...

Today we’re going to talk about embarrassment. I was listening to Brené Brown's relatively new podcast called Unlocking Us and heard her use a term I didn’t know. The term was self-conscious emotions and embarrassment is one of them. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll cover how young you are when you can feel embarrassment, what you can learn from failure, and the positive aspe...

CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy( is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin thinkin". And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be differen...

Hello everyone! Quick announcement today! I'm giving a free two-part workshop that begins this Thursday, July 30th at 6:00 CST and will continue on August 13th at the same time. It's entitled Perfectionism Meets Pandemic and is hosted by The Sisterhood for Success! It's on the benefits and potential dangers of perfectionism, how the pandemic is affecting those with perfectionistic trai...

There’s a psychological dynamic called approach/avoidance and it’s when something you desire has both positive and negative implications. But the same words are used in considering relationships, where approach/avoidance (or withdrawal) can lead to a true deadlock and constantly recycle itself, with misunderstanding, grief, hurt and resentment steadily increasing. You might think of approach as be...

Transparency about my own journey with mental health has been very important to me, especially since writing on social media. I've named the illnesses that I've experienced: panic disorder and anorexia.  But I haven’t told the full story - the “why” of either of these problems – at least as best I understand it from my own perspective – and the perspectives of several therapists over the y...

Risking the unfamiliar is something I focus on with almost every client I see, because we all get in the habit of adopting one emotional “face” – or have one emotion that’s our primary go-to response to almost anything. Some of those responses are more healthy than others, but the point of this episode will be to wonder what would happen if you risked feeling something you don’t ordinarily feel? W...

The answer to the title question is yes. Most of us who aren’t in denial about the seriousness of this pandemic are experiencing more anxiety.. We’re washing our hands more - careful about what we pick up or how we touch things -wearing masks or even face shields. Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I’m going to share some facts about how three different mental illnesses may be emergin...

Getting lost in a relationship. .. if you’ve ever done it, you know the sinking feeling in your gut that comes when you think about it again. Somehow your “self” – the you that you knew before the relationship began - got ignored, changed, forgotten, absorbed, or even ridiculed. There are lots of reasons how this could happen. Actual abuse, manipulation by someone with narcissistic traits or other...

Today we’re talking about telemental health. I asked lots of people about their experience and have some of the most recent research for you. I’d already investigated this because BetterHelp is a sponsor of SelfWork. But I dig into this even deeper because telemental health is being used exponentially more during this pandemic. And there are ways that you and your therapist can set it up for even...

Warning: This episode uses examples from the lives of real people who’ve been bullied by their own parents. So please listen with caution. Here  are a couple of numbers, one for the sexual abuse textline in the US and one for the US National Suicide Hotline . In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about bullies that might be in your life today. Or from your past. What makes s...

Wow. Questions about perfectly hidden depression (PHD) are pouring in! And of course that gives me a thrill. But also there's understandable confusion. Perfectionism is supposed to be about anxiety, not depression, right? (The answer is yes and a definite no -- not all the time.) Is the depression that’s covered up by perfectionism the same as classic depression? And so many others. The questi...

Today we’re going to talk about staying busy – not the welcome kind of busyness where you’re actually doing things you love that bring you fulfillment, but the kind of busyness that basically serves as filler in your life. You couldn’t tell me why you’re doing it, or how you got started – other than to say that you’re scared to stop – because you fear a loss of control. I'll offer five tangibl...