The Real Question

Vanessa's book is finally out in the world today! She chats with Casper about her writing process, inspiration, and more. If you haven't already, you can grab a copy of her book here ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa sometimes tells white lies in low stakes situations. Lies like ‘yes, I love that dress!’ or ‘I really enjoyed meeting your boyfriend!’ Are these lies good for her relationships? Or do they make her untrustworthy? With help from Trust Exercise by Susan Choi and Grey’s Anatomy , Vanessa and Casper try to untangle the relationship between truth and trust and figure out when it’s okay to lie.&...

Casper is getting to the age where he feels like he and his husband ’should’ start thinking about buying a house, but he doesn’t know if he really wants to. On the one hand, there's so much love and stability that is wrapped up in owning a house. On the other hand, he doesn't know if he ever wants to settle on one future in one place. Maybe buying a house would limit his future possibilities?...

Every summer Vanessa goes to Germany with her partner, Peter. And every summer, Vanessa gets stuck around the dinner table at night surrounded by people speaking German (a language she does not speak). What she really wants to do in that situation is pull out a book… but that’s rude right? Drawing on Romance Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn and the essay ‘Reflections on the Rights Use of School Studi...

Following the death of his grandmother, Casper has had some uncomfortable and unresolved questions about death and the afterlife. He used to feel very certain that death was the 'end' everything, but now he's not so sure. Is there such a thing as a 'soul'? And if so, does it go somewhere when the body dies? Drawing on Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace and a medieval illustration of death , Casper a...

Vanessa has a friend she wants to break-up with. The case is very clear cut: This person did something awful, and Vanessa no longer wants this person in her life. Does Vanessa owe it to this person to tell her that the friendship is over? And how does she tell the other people who might be effected by this friend break-up? Drawing on Jacques Derrida's theory of friendships and the U.S. version of...

Casper has lot of rituals in his life to slow down: he keeps a sabbath every week, he spends time at a monastery every few months. But still, he rarely feels truly relaxed. What's standing in his way, and what does it take to get there? Drawing on wisdom from The West Wing and German Philosopher Josef Pieper , Vanessa and Casper unpack what our culture has come to assume about work and w...

The term 'Karen' has imbedded itself in our culture, and as a white woman, Vanessa is keenly aware of the moments she might be called a Karen. But she's not quite sure when she's actually being a Karen, and when she's advocating for herself in a sexist society. Drawing on the movies Terms of Endearment and Mommy Dearest , Vanessa and Casper discuss women's anger and what to do with it. -- We are s...

This week, we’re joined by special guest Brigid Goggin who is bringing her own question to the podcast. Brigid loves setting boundaries and saying no. But as a person who suffers from anxiety, she worries that sometimes she is saying ‘no’ for the wrong reasons. How do you know when you should actually be saying 'yes' to something? Drawing on the song Climb Every Mountain from The Sound of Mus...

Following up on last week’s conversation, Casper and Vanessa return to some questions about the nature of evil. When do people do evil things and how do we prevent that from happening in ourselves? Drawing on the theology St. Augustine of Hippo (as shared by our friend Nick Hayes) and The Lord’s Prayer , Vanessa and Casper try and figure out how to keep ourselves oriented towards good in the world...

Casper used to believe that there was no such thing as evil. But since the Trump presidency, he can't suppress the creeping feeling that some people genuinely don't have good intentions. Does that count as evil? Drawing on the philosophy and letters of Hannah Arendt and the movie adaptation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire , Vanessa and Casper work through what Casper truly believes about wh...

CW: We discuss weight loss and size in this episode. Vanessa owns the perfect polka dot dress. It’s sophisticated yet flirty, it makes her feel amazing every time she wears it, and it has the cutest gold button on the back. The problem is: Vanessa no longer fits in this dress. She hasn’t fit in it for a while now. Should she hold onto it just in case? Or is it time to say goodbye? Drawing on the p...

What do we owe our neighbors?  When Casper first moved to New York, he put a lot of effort into getting to know the other people in his apartment building. He even threw a rooftop party so that everyone could have the chance to meet one another. Now, as he’s settling into his life in NYC, he’s asking himself how much effort he really wants to put into knowing his neighbors. Should he throw an...

Sometimes apologies that seem 'good' technically, don't actually make Vanessa feel any better. Is there a formula for a good apology? How do you explain yourself, but still take responsibility? Drawing upon Dirty Dancing and Letter From Birmingham Jail by Martin Luther King Jr., Casper and Vanessa think through which apologies feel the most genuine and why. -- We are so grateful to our supporters...

Casper wants to feel closer to his paternal grandparents. But there’s a problem: they’ve been dead for a few years now. Is there a way, as he grows older, for him to keep his grandparents an active part of his life? Drawing upon The Suitcase by Frances Stoner Saunders and Children and Art from the musical Sunday in the Park with George , Casper and Vanessa think through how grief changes over time...

CW: This episode discusses multiple instances of sexual assault and violent crime. In 2014, Vanessa was obsessed with the Woody Allen/Dylan Farrow case. Now that there’s a new documentary out on the topic, she knows she’s in danger of falling back into the ‘story’. But what’s the virtue of following a story of sexual assault so closely? Is it good to know the facts? Or is it just using the horrors...

If you don’t learn to drive, are you failing to equip yourself for adult life?  Casper has promised himself every summer that *this* is the year he’s going to learn how to drive. And yet each year passes and Casper is no closer to having a license. Drawing upon The Sabbath by Abraham Joshua Heschel and the song Walk the Road by Kate Rusby , Casper and Vanessa try to sort out which g...

Is it weird to steal children’s body parts in the middle of the night and teach them that it’s okay? After playing the Tooth Fairy for her two step-daughters, Vanessa is having doubts about the appropriateness of this supposedly silly childhood ritual. Drawing up a recent article about the Marquis de Sade and the song Super Trouper from Mamma Mia, Vanessa and Casper try to wade through the fe...

Welcome to The Real Question, a new show from Not Sorry, hosted by Vanessa Zoltan and Casper ter Kuile! Each week we’ll explore life’s questions through a surprising mix of pop culture and academic insight. Episodes come out weekly on Monday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.