The Real Question

Ruth has been a woman their whole life, but that label has never quite felt right. Recently they had an experience where a stranger gendered them “wrongly” and it felt amazing. Since then they’ve been wondering, should they identify as non-binary?  With help from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night and an article by Tre’vell Anderson , Ruth, Vanessa, and Casper explore the confines of gendered langua...

Maya Gosh has been in pain for years. She’s been going to doctors, trying to figure out what's going on with her body, but nobody seems to think anything is wrong with her. And lately she’s started to feel like the whole process of trying to get good healthcare is more painful emotionally and psychologically than the physical pain she’s in. Should she stop trying and protect her mental health? Or...

Last fall, Sophie Clark broke up with her long-term partner and it was one of the hardest things she’s ever done. Trying to organize her grief, she began a weekly ritual - lighting candles and journaling about the break-up. But now, several months later, the ritual is feeling a little flat. What can she do to reimagine her practice to better fit where she is now in the grief process?  Wi...

Dana Schwartz is a #1 New York Times Best Selling author (go read her new book !), top charting podcaster, and Twitter super-star. But still, she sometimes finds herself looking at other writers with feelings of professional jealousy. She doesn’t like that feeling when it comes up, but she doesn’t know what to do about it.  With help from Nick Jonas  and the movie Amadeus , Dana, Vanessa...

Happy holidays! We're dropping in your feeds to share some news about the future of the show. If you’re interested in being on the show, please fill out this form and we’ll start contacting people in the new year.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Vanessa's step-daughter is *very* cool. But...is that a good thing? And what is coolness really? With help from West Side Story and Gone Girl , Vanessa and Casper explore the social capital and social manipulation of coolness. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more in...

We got so many questions for our "bad chaplaincy" episode last month, we decided we needed another round! This week, Casper and Vanessa answer your questions about work, exes, and how to know when you're on the right path. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more info...

Casper's life is on a path and generally he's pretty happy with how it's going. But every so often, he likes to fantasize about what it would look like to step off that path. What if, instead of living his normal life, he went on an adventure? What if he spent months traveling the world? Is that just a fantasy or is it something he can really do? With help from Under the Tuscan Sun and Mary Oliver...

This week we're taking some time to answer real questions from our audience! We touch on questions about disappointment in love, whether it's okay to be late, and setting boundaries. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please considering chipping in ! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Risa has a family member who isn’t getting vaccinated and the relationship is really troubling her. She wants to respect the values of the person she loves, but is finding that hard to do when the ‘right thing’ seems to be so clear. With help from a Brandy Carlile song and a blog post by Lilach Shafir , Risa and Casper explore how to be in relationship with someone who has values that seem diametr...

Vanessa used to have a helpful story she told herself about her depression. She let herself stay in bed some days and understood that it was important for her health. But lately, she hasn’t been staying in bed. The story seems…broken, like it doesn’t fit the new version of her life. Is there a new story that could help her take care of herself better? With help from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Ch...

Casper is feeling a lot of nostalgia for his graduate school experience. There are so many times in his day to day life where he feels like he should know more and he wishes that he had a teacher to guide him. He's been trying to teach himself, but it just doesn't feel the same. Should he just go back to school? With help from Legally Blonde and Hermes Trismegistus, Casper and Vanessa explore how...

Back in May, Vanessa brought us the question 'am I a Karen?' That episode focused on gender and the way systems of power can fail and frustrate women. This week we bring you part two of that conversation, where we discuss the racial dynamic at play in the Karen meme. We were incredibly lucky to be joined by Dr. Apryl Williams for this conversation. Dr. Williams is a multidisciplinary scholar who s...

Casper has a soft spot in his heart for the monarchy. He understands all the absurdities of the institution, but he can’t get rid of that feeling that he associates with childhood and history and national identity. Is it okay to have that feeling knowing what he knows intellectually? Or should he be trying to get rid of it?  With help from Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf and The Mirror and th...

Every so often Vanessa scrolls through photos on her phone and runs into some memories she’d rather forget. Should she just delete those photos? Or are those bad memories something productive?  With help from Spotlight and Mad About You , Vanessa and Casper explore what it means to re-write our own historical record and when we should do it. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon...

Casper is getting older and he's been thinking about what that means. On the one hand: age is just a number! There’s no such thing as the ‘right’ thing you should be doing at any age. But on the other hand: he wants to make sure he’s stepping into the full responsibility of what it means to be an adult. Without subscribing to tradition benchmarks, how do you keep yourself on track? With help...

Instead of a normal episode this week we're bringing you an episode of The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos, featuring our own Casper ter Kuile. Space crews, athletes and pop stars all indulge in strange rituals before moments of high stress. It's easy to mock these behaviours - indeed even the people who practise them often admit they're a bit weird - but they can act like performance enhanci...

Vanessa has had a lot of really positive interactions with strangers. However there are moments when strangers, for whatever reason, trigger her defense mechanisms. What should she do in those moments? She doesn't want to be naive - there are people out there who can hurt you or take advantage of you. But also, she knows it's important to be kind whenever possible. With help from Thelma and Louise...

Casper is suspicious of the value he puts on beauty in his life. He knows that he doesn't want to judge human bodies by their aesthetics, that much makes sense. But is it okay to love other forms of beauty out in the world? Or is that problematic too? With the help of a Shakespearean sonnet and ' How Fair This Spot ' by Rachmaninoff, Casper and Vanessa untangle how to think about beauty as a moral...

Vanessa doesn't know what to do when people ask her 'are you okay?' A lot of the time, she is not okay. She lives with a chronic illness, so unfortunately that kind of comes with the territory. On the one hand, radical honesty and communication is good. On the other hand, other people have their own problems. And most of the time, it's not like anyone can actually help. With help from I Am, I Am,...

Casper has never liked his middle name. He’s ready to change it to something more meaningful to him, but how does he go about picking the right replacement? With help from John O’Donohue and Call Me By Your Name , Casper and Vanessa explore the connection between re-naming and a spiritual life. -- We are so grateful to our supporters on Patreon who make this show possible. If you can, please consi...

John Green has spent much of his life and career online. The community that he’s built there has been one of his greatest joys and achievements. But more and more he feels like his time on social media is poisoning his sense of well-being. Should he just give it up? Or would that be turning his back on something too valuable? With help from an essay by Thomas Berry and an episode of the podcast Yo...

Vanessa has some friendships that feel more like obligations than pleasures. What does she do with these friends? Does she break-up with them? Does stick it out and hope that they become fun again? Does she tell them how she feels? And how does she do any of it without hurting the people she cares about? With help from the musical Waitress and Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving , Vanessa and Casper w...

Recently, Casper’s been looking back on his life with regret: he should have kissed more boys when he was younger! But what is he supposed to do with that feeling now? And how can he make sure that he’s living his life in a way that he won’t regret in the future? With help from a poem by Lucille Clifton and How Proust Can Change your Life by Alain de Baton , Casper and Vanessa try to parse what ex...

Vanessa's book finally came out into the world on Tuesday and we're so excited to share a chapter from the audiobook with you today! If you haven't already, you can snag your copy here . Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.