The Jambalaya School Newsletter

Cafeteria workers cannot be trusted, regardless of their casserole knowledge. Two quarters can net you a questionable prize from the claw machine of confiscated contraband. Exciting mascot(s) news! The mail room has a new, warty staff member. Cat got your tongue? Get in line, buddy. Thanks to our sponsors, A Comprehensive List of Animals I Regularly Punch in the Face by Ann Hammerfist, and Regurgi...

Welcome back to another month's worth of events at Throatvoid Grade Sch—I mean—Jambalaya Grade School. The Garfield the Bottlenose Dolphin Fan Club has rebranded. I know it's tough to swallow, but what happened to the 4th grade class is an unsolvable mystery. Tinnie hits the big stage! For all you track stars: Whatever you're planning, DO jump the gun. For this episode, Mrs Rodhaus asked the scien...

What's that high-pitched piercing sound echoing through the high school halls? DO NOT ENTER THE GREENHOUSE WITHOUT COVERING YOUR EYES, LEST YOU BE SCARRED FOR LIFE. Hey parents, recognize the subtle differences between explosives and juice boxes when packing your child's lunch. This episode is a TP PSA, FYI. I can't wait to get my hands [see: Hydraulic Press] on that new Ticonderoga. Our local cob...

Welcome back to another year at Jambalaya Grade School! Ham: Do You Have It? Let's see some hustle up those wheelchair inaccessible stairs, people! Remember to add pickles (or other non-Pixie Stick food items) to your projectile stockpile; Larry the Crocodile needs to temper that type-2 diabetes if he's to remain school mascot. Ricky Frampton, our wood shop protegy, has been found to be photosynth...

Sugar-ridden students make for the most energetic mascots. For the first time in a LONG TIME, high-fiving Principal Fendleton is OPTIONAL. Remember, kids, don't ingest unlabeled pills unless they're from a school vending machine. There are no urine stains in my office, and that makes me very uneasy and concerned.  Ricky Frampton built a racist lawn chair. Fun Fact: Our newest teacher, Dr Personold...

The security chimeras protect us all from the dangerous effects of graffiti. New lore just dropped disguised as a story about Traumanonymous. Students, you're not pirates and, as such, our janitors will be sanitizing your salty language. Let's give a hand to Kids With Crocs and welcome back our old school mascot! The horticulture class will be planting trees yesterday. No, secret hatch was not fou...

That mascot pep-off sure got violent. But that violence led to Bethany Greenwick reclaiming her title as school mascot! Who says violence solves nothing? Students, the GPS tracker to be installed in you will be quite painfull-less-ish... Keep your eyelids peeled, again, for Mr Frito's missing glass eye, again! Sports are happening, and we are telling you about them. Take a deep breath; September i...

Billyvonne (Billy Turner's soul inside Yvonne's body) is doing a great job as school mascot! ...aside from that basketball game. Book Fair is here! And Bobby Warner has returned to Jambalaya!! Dads are being real obnoxious with this FART nonsense. BUY ENERGY SLOP. CONSUME ENERGY SLOP. Please. And use my coupon code: HELPME at checkout. Talk to Coach Larson about joining the Tract and Field team to...

Stop giving away cafeteria apples to Mz Fulcrum; she's not even as hot as Mr Minotaur. Though Principal Fendleton vaporizes students (and smokes a couple packs of cigarettes per day) neither are allowed on campus. Francine did what no student has done before; I'm still shaking. Guess who the mascot is! Mr Johnson is still turning in his grave—don't you worry. STAY OUT OF THE MASCOTS' LOUNGE. Well,...

What, you've never seen a sweat floor before now? Don't stare, and watch your step. Tough luck for Braydon; I was really rooting for him not to get totally disintegrated by Principal Fendleton's left hook. Witness me and my bus racing! Whoever reheated cod in the teachers' lounge microwave is gonna get a slap across the back for a job well done. The school only has so many orphans to give away to...

Three hurrahs for mascot DNA splicing! Don't talk to my son until he's had his coffee. Yooo we shadow dropped toilet bowls last week. You're all so smelly. I am become my own HR person. ASB elections were a suprise upset, and I owe Mr Stanovich fifteen bucks. If I have to think about that hand turkey again, I know I'll puke. These unsactioned Jambalaya podcasts are bringing me to my whit's end. If...

The floor is lava; go figure. Elections are here, cool kids! Those shifting halls in the high school are hiding a door that has been long lost to this school. Mr Minotaur is leading the charge (safely behind a wall of students) into the catacombs to battle the combat enhanced rat king! Woah, who could have seen the twist the came from the Egg Board of 'Merica? Music for this episode was performed...

Our wonderfully undead former mascot, Gerald Fitzgerald, has at last succumbed to gravity—well—most of him has. Have a heart; donate your heart! Those death metal band names are GNARLY. Sirit Week is here at last, and it's going to be a blast! Boy was it wild when Justin Rice laid that egg in front of us all. This month's music was provided by SSS AKA Sam Smith at sssmusic.bandcamp.com. Thank you...

Come spell "Sheldon the Egg Board Egg" with our cheer squad and your community at the next sports function! Mr Minotaur stamps his hooves and makes us laugh, cry, and long for those days far behind us. Nothing is happening in the teachers' lounge; a profit is not being made by nothing going on in the teachers' lounge; silence your inquisitivity. The high school is open! Unfortunately, we have only...

Poor Bethany—she was our mascot for only a few minutes—that HAS to be a Jambalaya record. A warm welcome back to Jonathan Bowers who was crushed physically—now he's crushed figuratively. Show-and-Tell has been CANCELLED for no bad reason. Seriously, stop asking and demanding answers, as it's a boring story. Please refrain from making bovine jokes in Mr Minotaur's class or you will be cowed into su...

Gerald Fitzgerald isn't the best mascot, but we're finding a use for him in the upcoming Harvest Dance. Speaking of which, our late shop teacher, Mr. Johnson, will be attending...as a cadaver. His widow will be dressing him up and posing him for pictures. It will be so much fun. Be sure to adhere to the dance move regulations! I'm serious. Our smart, tallented, nepotism student, Maximillian Engval...

It's so great that Gerald Fitzgerald has been ressurected and is aimlessly wandering around campus! Mr. Manadult was not who he/they appeared to be. The toilet situation is crappy—pun unfortunately intended. It's plastic bag awareness month; students, prepare yourselves for a three-hour mandatory lecture on safety when cinching. Don't accept the wrapper-less caramels from Drewann McDermott's pocke...

Whoever spray painted those distasteful remarks about Jambalaya's natural musk wouldn't know a good smell if it invaded their nostrils. Yes, the hall minotaur is still reigning terror in the high school halls—we're working on it. We welcome a new sponsor: The Egg Board of 'Merica! And just in time for book fair; check out a book about eggs and the beauty of the cloaca. Take care when walking on th...

The long-closed high school wing of our school has been unearthed. Too bad there's a minotaur roaming the labyrinth-like hallways. Be aware that soccer tryouts are spontaneous. Keep a lookout for Mr. Frito's glass eye. Oh, jeez, those pen pal letters from Gumbo Elementary are...graphic. Music by Chelicerae. Find more of their brutal music at chelicerae.bandcamp.com Thank you to our sponsors, Falan...

Joseph Wheeler, our thought-to-be-lost school mascot, has returned and now rules the playground with an iron fist (Hulk Hands). School bus jousting is here again, even though two people died last year. Budget cuts saw our janitorial staff laid off—even the cute janitor we all like. But Jambalaya is opening its long-closed high school wing of our building! Yes, Vice Principal Fendleton is still con...

Joseph Wheeler, the new mascot, is MIA. On top of that the 4th graders had a gang war. It happens. It's possible that the hall monitor was involved. But good news; we have the license to use Minions in Jambalaya School plays! The school is being remodeled. The teachers' lounge is not being remodeled, though. Nor will it ever. EVER. I went through the lost & found pile and SHEESH there's some w...

A portal to Lansing, Michigan caused the cafeteria to burn down. Bobby Warner is transferring to Grindlewald but not because of the fire, I swear. Billy Turner was a great mascot. Was. Thank you to Duraflame for sponsoring our fair school in this time of need! Try to avoid Principal Fendleton and her ruthless high fives in the hallways. Verbally-taught guitar lessons are back! Most of the music by...

Did you hear what happened to Garfield the Bottlenose Dolphin? I don't think I'll ever get over that one. Spirit week is here! Don't go into the teacher's lounge on Wednesday. Look out FOR but don't look AT the escaped specimens as well as the hooded figures hunting them. This month's newsletter is in memory of Tyler Lockhart—RIP. Most of the music by David Petty (all of the GOOD music). Sound eff...

Did you hear what happened to Larry the Crocodile? It was so tragic. Don't forget to fill your kid's backpack with milk for the contest! Picture day approaches—remember what we talked about. Don't go into the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, but did you just say the kindergarten classroom caught fire again? Dangit, I owe Mr. Stanovich twenty bucks. I sure lost that bet. Thanks to our sponsors Thcrabbl...