The Horror Virgin

“Alien King George can go fuck yourself.” This week's scariest movie is... Independence Day. This film has everything: Fruitopia Breakthroughs, Dolphin Wives, And a movie so good there is No Way it's a Michael Bay Film. If you love 90s smoke shows, holy pigeon plot logic, and alien ship nipples, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discov...

“We are not going to win against people who smoke nukes.” This week's scariest movie is... Mars Attacks! This film has everything: aggressive Martian accents, capitalist bike baskets, And cape-couture command structures. If you love failed cow barbecues, fully glazed donut prophets, and trickle-down chandeliers, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help m...

“Rocks are only hard if you're touching them.” This week's scariest movie is... Apollo 18. This film has everything: B-52 moon crabs, "landliens", And Lennart Ruth’s space steakhouse. If you love Party City strobe lights, moon-cavern Nazis, and cameras with first names, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover our community. What did...

“This is 40 minutes of story in a two hour bag.” This week’s scariest movie is... Life. This film has everything: terribly timed funerals, aliens in trucker hats, And a starfish Borg. If you love space claw machines, Goodnight Moon emergencies, and quadrupedal animal debates, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover our community. Wh...

“Have you heard the good news about Space Pope?" This week’s scariest movie is... No One Will Save You. This film has everything: nine-hat endings, tall gray nerds, And Raccoon and Fat Squirrel chaos. If you love memory noodles, miniature-town murder weapons, and UFOs with Cheesecake Factory menu vision, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more peop...

"This sets up that the alien universe has a space Pope." The Horror Virgin: This week's scariest movie is... Alien Resurrection. This film has everything: space’s least safe weapons program. Vengeful raccoon xenomorphs. And lava being asked to do ice’s job. If you love loose hybrids, Space Pope theology, and science that loses a fight with basic temperature, this episode's for you! Please Subscrib...

“Worst Danzig biopic ever.” This week’s scariest movie is... Mother! This film has everything: Another, another testament of Jesus Christ, Monkey Ghosts, And an anti-Jesus TED Talk. If you love Sunday School pamphlet subtlety, Sherwin-Williams therapy sessions, and Garden of Eden doorknob murders, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people disc...

"Battlefield Earth for Christians.” This week’s scariest movie is... Constantine. This film has everything: the would-be Nick Fury of the Christian Expanded Universe, John Constantine the Baptist, And your parents’ smug satisfaction. If you love holy brass knuckles, kitty-powered trips to hell, and fake relics with real confidence, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Hor...

“Did you just read me a recipe for snake oil?” This week's scariest movie is... Exhuma. This film has everything: three foxes in a trench coat, Pavlov’s chicken, And a demon so powerful even an atheist won’t open the coffin. If you love salt-smashing rituals, sweet-fish, and dirt sommeliers, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover o...

“She’s got those like, have you heard the good news eyes.” This week’s scariest movie is... Saint Maud. This film has everything: Maudie Sue vibes, red-bottom Skechers, And blood-atonement déjà vu. If you love Welsh roach gods, Coney Island confusion, and moon-charged holy water, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover our community...

“He's going to treat you like a chalice.” This week's scariest movie is... Anaconda. This film has everything: Gingery Anna Jones, Serious Scooby Doo villains, And perfectly wrong movie decisions. If you love eagle-screaming snakes, monkey-blood bait buckets, and butt-powered vertical leaps, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover o...

“There are two chimps inside me.” This week's scariest movie is... Primate. This film has everything: Mongoose Betrayals, capital-P prison sentences, And hero-chimp eulogies. If you love botched primate Googles, full-Congo speech pads, and Die Hard chimp energy, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover our community. What did you thi...

“I am ashamed of me being a person.” This week's scariest movie is... Tremors 2: Aftershocks. This film has everything: Precambrian nonsense, payroll-hole disappearances, And pre-dot-com theme-park scams. If you love Hot Topic hyenas, cheerleader-pyramid shriekers, and Andrea Bocelli Pegasus merch, this episode's for you! What did you think of our episode on Tremors 2: Aftershocks? Tell us on soci...

“They signed the waivers. Guys, I think we’re in the clear.” This week's scariest movie is... Predators. This film has everything: chaos-goblin fight energy, thumb-biting mandible math, And body-trap upgrades. If you love Amazon-warehouse predator logistics, Kirkland-brand bone temples, and raining-machetes entrances, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to...

“If you were a singing telegram giving this much, you’ll be promoted to manager immediately.” This week’s scariest movie is... Clue. This film has everything: Mandela endings, dog-shit shoe checks, And body drops that only gets higher as the night progresses. If you love McCarthy-era blackmail, Tim Curry cardio exposition, and deeply committed dead-body slapstick, this episode's for you! Please Su...

“Don’t you want to be friends with Terry Apple?” This week’s scariest movie is... Strange Harvest. This film has everything: bargain-bin Mario Kart Characters, Dunder Mifflin homicide energy, And aggressively unnecessary voice distortion. If you love blood-bucket logistics, donut-shop dread, and a mockumentary so convincing it breaks your true-crime brain, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe,...

“You don’t eat critter veal, you monster.” This week’s scariest movie is... Critters. This film has everything: plot-farming dads, after-hours church, And cozy Baron Harkonnen cosplay. If you love Johnny Steel world domination, interstellar leather jackets, and frat-boy space porcupines, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help more people discover our c...

“I can’t believe I’m about to say this. It’s a genius plan.” This week’s scariest movie is... Snakes on a Plane. This film has everything: Mouth razors, reheated snake leftovers, and a sequel pitch that’s destined to make some $$$. If you love Samuel L. Jackson heroics, deeply stupid criminal logistics, and a movie that fully understands its own title is the whole pitch, this episode’s for you! Pl...

“Who produced this? The mob." This week’s scariest movie is... The Final Destination (2009). This film has everything: Hubcapped halved hillbillies, 4th floor hot tubs, and struggling to pay attention when someone is trauma dumping. If you love late-2000s CGI chaos, racetrack carnage, and a franchise that keeps finding new ways to turn everyday errands into a homicide puzzle box, this episode’s fo...

“This is like, if Ron Hubbard walked outside to an alien abduction" This week’s scariest movie is... 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. This film has everything: Wine Drunk Confessions, a clinical injection of Duran Duran, And a midnight appointment with the devil where nobody packed a fiddle. If you love DIY cult pageantry, a doctor who looks like he moonlights in a metal band, and zombie-on-zombie...

“Apparently a bunch of people make cock and ball necklaces now” This week’s scariest movie is... Scary Movie 2. This film has everything: A horny ghost hookup, dirty talk confessions, And Tori Spelling just GETTING IT from a ghost. If you love Exorcist parody chaos, Tim Curry in full haunted-house professor mode, and a horror-comedy that sprints past good taste without looking back, this episode’s...

"Dying under Kevin Bacon. There's got to be worse ways to go." This week’s scariest movie is... Friday the 13th. This film has everything: kitchen mugs getting burned, pregnant Purple mattresses, And Monopoly played in real time. If you love doom-prophet bike commutes, killer POV giveaways, and starting your hitchhiking journey at 5am, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The...

“He has the trigger discipline of someone who only got a $50,000 signing bonus" This week’s scariest movie is... Him. This film has everything: NFL-wife Gwyneth Paltrow energy, Poop Math, And a football movie that isn't for people that like football. If you love culty QB training camps, pigskin symbolism, and weaponized sports logic, this episode’s for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The H...

"It's like pre grave robbing. It's all the grave robbing. But no diggity" This week’s scariest movie is... Tales from the Hood. This film has everything: a Ded Talk, tiny little footsteps, And a drug dealer who won’t stop telling stories while you’re trying to buy weed. If you love fighting 50 dolls, refried-beans logic, and crumpling up monster drawings, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe,...

"I think you and I would get hosed down trying to walk up that fucking hill." This week’s scariest movie is... The Long Walk. This film has everything: Stebbins sneezes, out of context Spotify comments, And dropping duces at 3 MPH. If you love walking off warnings, Three Musketeers math, and foxhole friendships, this episode's for you! Please Subscribe, Rate, and Review The Horror Virgin to help m...