The High Conflict Blueprint | For Stepmoms Dealing with a Toxic or Narcissistic Ex

You helped with school pickup – and you were criticized for overstepping. So you stopped – now you're accused of not caring about the kids. Eventually you start wondering what you're doing wrong. Because you're just trying to fit into this family, but everything you do just seems to make things worse. This is world of the no-win stepmum, where no matter what you do, it's wrong....

You've decided to meet with the high conflict ex.  That means you’ll be sitting across from someone you don't trust, in a conversation where you have no control over what she says or does. It’s enough to send you into a spiral.  If this was a meeting with a reasonable person, then you could just turn up, have a normal conversation, and leave.  But dealing with someone with a history of c...

So... the high conflict ex wants to meet with you. She says “it’s not unreasonable to want to meet the woman who’ll be living with my kids.” And it’s not unreasonable... if it was coming from someone reasonable.  You immediately know this is a loaded invitation. Now you feel trapped between two bad options – meet and risk being interrogated and having your words twisted, or refuse and risk being p...

You're suspicious. Of course you are. The ex has been hostile for months. And then one day… she’s suddenly being nice.  It's weird. She must be up to something.  But no one else seems to think so. Your partner thinks things are settling down. Maybe your friends think she's finally coming around. And now you wonder –  am I just cynical?   Today I'm going to show you what's...

You set a boundary. You meant it. Then the ex lost her s**t, your partner caved, and you backed down. Now you're back where you started.  Here's the thing. The reason this happens is not just because boundaries are hard. It's because most of us don't actually know how to hold a boundary.  Holding a boundary is a skill. And today, I'm going to show you how to do it.  👉 Ep...

Boundaries with a high conflict ex are harder than anyone tells you. In this Q&A I'm answering real boundary questions from stepmums: She ignores every boundary we set. How do you actually get a high conflict ex to respect them? She keeps contacting me directly. Should I say something – or just block her? Every time I ignore her I feel so guilty, and then I give in. How do I stop? I resen...

You're pregnant. You and your partner are building something together. Something that is finally, completely, entirely yours. This was supposed to be one of the best moments of your life.  But instead of just getting to enjoy it, you're already thinking about what the high conflict ex is going to do to ruin it. The threats. The financial demands. The things she'll say to the kids. T...

There's a difference between deciding to step back and actually being able to stay there. From the kind of stepping back where you decide to stop doing something but inside you're still fuming... to the kind where you can actually step back, without the resentment or guilt. This is part 3 of my series on disengaging from the drama – and this is the episode that takes you from " I&ap...

You told yourself you were done stepping in. So why do you keep ending up in the middle of the drama again? Something is keeping you emotionally tied – and once you understand what it is, what you're doing starts to make sense. In this episode I'm going to show you exactly what's going on and give you something practical you can use today to start to change it.  This is part 2 on my...

You've tried stepping back. Maybe more than once. You told yourself you were going to let your partner handle it. That you've had enough of dealing with the drama.  And for a little while, it almost worked. But then he came home stressed after dealing with the ex. Or his phone went off with her endless messages. And before you knew it, you were right back in the middle – managing, fixing...

You know you shouldn't react to the ex. But understanding that and actually doing it in the moment are two different things. In this Q&A episode, I'm answering real communication questions from stepmums: She sent accusations I had nothing to do with. I didn't respond – did I do the right thing? If I don't defend myself, won't she just think she's right? Every time...

You're terrified this court battle is going to cost you everything – your money, your relationship, yourself. The legal fees are bleeding you both dry. And it costs you in ways that go beyond that – the holidays you can't take, the house you can't buy, a future that keeps getting pushed further out.  And the arguments between you two are getting more frequent. Going through an endle...

When you’re going through family court, everything you say, everything you do – the ex could twist it and use it against you.  So you and your partner have been treading carefully. Explaining every time she accuses you of anything because you don’t want it to look like she’s right. You're probably also letting her bad behaviour slide. Avoiding things you shouldn't be avoiding. Because th...

You've watched it happen. She walks into a custody battle confident, emotional, compelling – and somehow, she's believable, even when pretty much everything she claims is false.  Meanwhile, your partner walks in with the truth. And the truth should be enough, right?  It's not. Not when you're up against a high conflict ex. And here's why. High conflict people are skilled a...

You've read the ex's affidavit – the one that described your home as unstable, your partner as irresponsible, you as a bad influence on the kids. And you thought... surely the judge will see through this. Surely the truth will come out. And then it didn't. If you've ever been through family court with a high conflict ex and walked away wondering how she keeps getting the outcom...

Another lawyer letter. Another court threat from the ex. Here we go again. You know how this goes. You and your partner spend time, money, and energy going through a whole court process that ends up... usually where you already were.  And just when life starts to settle down again, something else comes up. A new complaint. And it starts again. It's not just the cost, the time, and the stress...

Draft. Delete. Rewrite. Delete. An hour later, you're still there, trying to figure out how to answer the ex's latest awful message in a way that doesn't set her off again.  But no matter how carefully you word it, no matter how reasonable you are, it never lands the way you hope.  And tomorrow, or next week, there'll be another message, and you'll be right back here again...

When was the last time you did something that had nothing to do with her? Something that was just yours. Not about managing the kids. Not about your partner's stress. Not about the next court date or the latest text.  Maybe you can't even remember. Because right now, dealing with a high conflict ex takes up your time, your energy, your thoughts, your conversations. And without even reali...

You didn't know it was going to be like this. When you started this relationship, you thought the drama would settle down. That things would get easier. That eventually, you'd get to just enjoy your life together. But here you are – 1 year in, maybe 2 or 3, maybe even more – and you're still waiting for that future to arrive. And now the reality is starting to sink in. This might no...

Six years ago, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Because you don't know what this is like until you're in it, and then you don't know what to do to fix it. But here's what I've learned since then – four truths that completely changed how I handle this situation with the high conflict ex. If you're burnt out from trying everything and getting nowhere, and y...

The ex didn't tell your partner about the doctor's appointment. Again. Or the school event. Or the medication change. Or the parent-teacher conference. And now he’s calling the doctor, the pharmacy, the school, trying to piece together what's happening with his own child. You've watched this play out so many times.  And here's what makes it so frustrating – he keeps trying...

Things have been quiet lately. And now suddenly, there's chaos. A lawyer letter. A sudden accusation. A demand that makes absolutely no sense. And you're standing there thinking "What did we do? Where is this even coming from?" But there WAS a trigger. You just missed it.  The problem with that though, is if you don’t know where the escalation is coming from, you end up wasting...

You're doing all the work to keep things civil. You manage yourself. You think before you respond. You try to stay calm when you want to scream. And the ex? She gets to do whatever she wants. She sends nasty texts, creates chaos, manipulates the kids, and faces no consequences whatsoever. And it's unfair that you have to be the bigger person while she’s the one being awful. But that unfa...

Imagine having a system where you can stop spiralling within 30 minutes after you’ve been triggered by the ex.  Not three hours. Not three days. 30 minutes. You know you shouldn't engage when she sends those messages. You know you should have boundaries. You know you should stay calm. But here's the problem. You can't. You’re triggered, and you can’t stop the mental loop.  And even...

You know that feeling when you've been triggered. She sends that text, makes that comment, and instantly, your heart's pounding. You feel shaky. Then you react. Maybe you snap. Maybe you say something you regret. And then the spiral starts. Hours later, you're still thinking about it. You try to focus on work – but you can't. That night, you're awake at 2am, still replayin...