The Hate Napkin

Tighten your mummy bandages! Slick back your werewolf cowlicks! Sharpen your vampire fangs! It’s a Halloween hate special! Here’s what Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates about Halloween. Before you can say “trick or treat,” retailers from sea to shining sea have replaced scary clown masks with Harry Potter advent calendars. Heck, whatever happened to Turkey Day? Co-host Arik knows: “Thanksgivin...

Listen to episodes on AnchorFM at https://anchor.fm/thehatenapkin or search THE HATE NAPKIN on any podcast platform including Apple and Spotify.    “THE HATE NAPKIN” is a humorous, weekly podcast featuring former congressional candidate and author ARIK BJORN, pop culture guru GARRETT KELLERHALS, and journalist PAULY FROM BALI. Also, the crew is joined from time to time by veteran radio a...

This week, the THN gang tries to go corporate, but fails “udderly” when it can’t wade through all the questions required to open a business bank account. Co-host Arik accidentally declares THN a for-profit hate group, then hurriedly changes his answer to dairy farm. THN Media: the creamiest, most buttery podcast in the land. Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches into the mailbag for an epistle f...

Um, the Hate Napkin crew f@ck!ng hates filler words and phrases. Er, down with recycled language! That said, at the end of the day, what else are dithering idiots and talking heads supposed to use to connect their vapid, “horrific” thoughts? Emojis! That’s what. We’re sick of those too! Grown-ass people, what does “dog” “poop” “American flag” even mean? And WTF: don’t even get us started on acrony...

Co-host Arik and Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, get all intimate, as they find themselves without co-host Garrett and sound engineer Pauly from Bali. Still, they ride about the lands of hate in Lady Godiva fashion (only, thankfully, with clothes). Things begin with a letter from Tom in Bucyrus, Kansas, who pleads for the masses to take full advantage of the inventions of soap and deodorant. This...

For postal sake! Co-host Arik wants to do away with novelty postage stamps. Ruh Roh! He just slapped a Scooby-Doo stamp on a condolences card. Say, Carla, what kind of stamps they got down there in Burnt Corn, Alabama? “Well, we got ‘Merican flag stamps. And the tramp stamp.” Co-host Garrett is fed up—literally—with cheesy dust. Seriously, do they lace Cheetos with DEET? That stuff burns off finge...

Hail, hail! The whole “Hate Napkiner” gang is here! But first, a commercial break. Let’s hear a word from our sponsors. We have truckloads of erectile dysfunction pills and Matthew McConaughey luxury cars for sale! Come on, Hulu, enough with the ads! We’re already paying for a subscription. Next, when did we start giving killers and sociopaths all the glory? Shouldn’t crime investigators get top b...

Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, gags with hate from folks who drown themselves in Old Spice cologne. Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is sick to death hearing people talk about their chakras. “I want my first and second eye opened by my morning coffee—who cares about my third eye!” Co-host Arik poses a question to the group: what one food item belongs on the hate napkin? The end result: a...

Why hate anal leakage, when you can despise dry heaving? So says freshly sober co-host Arik, who starts to confess that he’s an—when he’s interrupted by sound engineer Pauly from Bali, who hates public confessions from guilty Catholics. Next, Carla from Burt Korn, Alabama, reads an uproarious letter from listener Brenda in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Brenda’s detestation of camouflage clothing leads the...

Folks, we don’t need the Ws! Co-host Arik is steaming mad at the 23rd letter of the alphabet—especially when it comes to Al Gore’s most famous invention. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali nearly lands himself in the THN penalty box for venturing into political territory. Finally, it’s not a double-U. It’s a double-V! Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, promises not to use any “ords” that use that letter....

Co-host Garrett is taking the night off—again. This time, he’s at the ballpark watching his beloved Atlanta Braves lose to the lowly Colorado Rockies. That said, he hates ballpark beer prices. Seriously, who wants to pay $15 for urinalysis in a plastic cup? Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is fed up with social media questionnaires. So, PLEASE, tell us about your love life with the fourth photo on...

Right from the gates, the “joy of hate” is alive and kicking. First, special guest Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, wins the brownie. Just don’t ask her why she looks so tired—unless you want that brownie shoved up your nostril. Then Little Cletus drops by. He’s the, er, THN water boy. (Thank God the FCC can’t shut us down.) Next: why doesn’t the THN gang hate the Kardashians? Come on, talk about h...

“The napkin’s pretty covered in alphabet soup tonight!” Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, stands in for co-host Garrett this week. In addition to managing the local Dairy Queen and running the Burnt Korn Post and Gazette , Carla’s “a world-class hater.” And, boy oh boy, does she hate one-name celebrities. But, hey Madonna, it’s still okay to name your dog Gus. From there, the THN gang...