The Hate Napkin

Co-host Arik begins our 40th Episode with a travelogue tale of the Phallus Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland. Sadly, the female equivalent in nearby Keflavik is very hard to find—it’s just a hole in the wall. BA-DUM-CHING! Anyway, if you ever want to know what a pig dick looks like, head to Iceland—or as special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, says, “Save your money. Here’s my ex-husband’s addres...

Co-host Arik from Columbia “Spank me, Sherman!” South Carolina announces The Hate Napkin’s newest sponsor: “THN Day Drinking. That’s THN Day Drinking: sour grapes in the morning for everyone!” Uh-oh! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, let’s slip that in addition to her key roles at the local Dairy Queen and newspaper, she’s also the president of the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous...

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, fellow haters! Well, actually, not quite. First, co-host Garrett remains holed up in his suburban apocalyptic bunker. Then, co-host Arik moronically declares this to be Episode 40. It’s not, it’s 38. Who the hell cares? Let’s dive into the molten lava pool of hate! So, you’ve just daringly gone number 1 or 2 in a public restroom. You proceed to the sink to...

Co-host Arik begins the show in the corner—literally. Bottom right of the screen, for those tuning in via YouTube. He’s pissed off special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and is trying to hide as best he can. Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali, who joins us from The Killing Fields of Cambodia, is drooling beer onto his lap. And co-host Garrett remains secluded from it all in a Colorad...

Co-hosts Arik and Garrett remain on special assignment in Las Vegas. Which means: no yukatas, no chapkas, no chest hair shrubbery, no off-key Prince karaoke. Instead, we present to you the mellifluous radio sounds of special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and sound engineer Pauly from Bali.  What do we hate today? There’s a bone in my canine, dear Liza, dear Liza! For dog’s sake! Don’t...

Special guest Sergei Cossack is filling in for co-hosts Arik and Garrett this week. But our other special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is quick to point out that Sergei’s accent sounds more than a bit like a drunk Inspector Clouseau. Okay, so Arik has clearly lost his mind—or maybe he’s just been watching too many Yakov Smirnoff clips on YouTube. Then again, sound engineer Pauly from Bal...

Come aboard! We’re expecting you! But if you think you can get away with tossing high chairs across the poop deck just because we ran out of chocolate pudding at the buffet, you’ve got another thing coming. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, starts off the show wondering if we shouldn’t revise the test for American citizenry: “At least one time, prospective citizens should have to behav...

Things start off a bit limp-wristed thanks to special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama: “Have you ever met someone in a business setting, reached out for a handshake, and their hand suddenly flops flaccid? If women got boners, that’d be a boner killer.” Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali try to mansplain weak handshakes, but get distracted with fantasies of Stephen Hawking demonst...

This week’s episode of The Hate Napkin is being produced from a Quonset hut in the capital of Nay Pyi Taw, Myanmar (formerly Burma), where sound engineer Pauly from Bali dodges junta gunfire and secretly harbors lust for the West. Co-host Arik is safe and sound in the capital city of Columbia, South Carolina. Co-host Garrett, however, remains bunkered in his bomb shelter, just in case the ghost of...

Co-hosts Arik and Garrett are ready to rip each other to shreds on the gridiron of hate—except no one can keep a straight face. (Failure to report!) Also, it appears that someone spiked the Gatorade cooler! So Arik throws up his hands (false start!), and provides a little trip down memory lane to refresh listeners on THN origins. Arik throws the red flag at the yellow flag: he’s tired of the vast...

Co-host Garrett is back again—just when we had given him up for being more dead than Meatloaf. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates it when people put fliers on her car window: “I came to get milk, not vinyl siding.” Team THN agrees! Of course, it would be kind of entertaining if you went to the local hardware store and some schmuck from Kroger stuck a “We got Milk!” flier on the wi...

It must be raining purple, folks! Make that snowing purple. Co-host Garrett is back behind the microphone! And he’s sick and tired of metro areas, not accustomed to snow, panicking at its possible arrival. Or maybe he just hates weatherman for inciting inclement inanity. Folks, we might see several snowflakes. Let the apocalyptic run on bread, milk and water begin! For special guest Carla from Bur...

So, Team THN changed our recording date to Sunday mornings, and, well, co-host Arik already told the world he doesn’t like pants. Now he doesn’t like shirts. It’s so early! He just rolled out of bed. So let’s imagine we’re sunning it up together on the beach. (Co-host Garrett is definitely grateful he didn’t show up for this one.) Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, calls out Arik’s nake...

Let’s get physical! You’re here—the hardest part’s over! (No, co-host Arik has not been sweating it up in a local South Carolina cabaret—truly, he’s in his Planet Fitness gear.) So: let’s get this hate party started! Arik hates websites that don’t pay their writers jack-poo. Every contributor to The Hate Napkin is a professional writer, and we all have felt the sting of no-pay for our lexical labo...

Co-host Arik steps into the hater’s box and immediately slaps a two-bagger off the wall: Why the hell are grown-a$$ adults using childish terms like “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”? If you’re an adult who’s “with” someone, they’re your lover, your better half, your partner, your mate—apologies to Australia. Let’s be honest! People are having sex all over the world—maybe not Arik, but loads of folks....

Co-host Garrett still ain’t here, but special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is! There ain’t no hospital beds ‘vailable cuz Omicron, and she ain’t takin’ no chances. Live with it, Man Babies! She’s got a full face of new pearly whites. So let’s get started! Co-host Arik goes apoplectic over having to watch ads in the movie theatre, when he’s already mortgaged his house for tickets and a tub...

Welcome to 2022! The temperature in Burnt Korn, Alabama, is a mere 4 degrees, and special guest Carla can’t wait to share The Hate Napkin’s newest sponsor: “This program is sponsored by Sofa King—it’s not just cold, it’s Sofa King cold!” Every so often, a subject of such singular scorn arises that the THN gang rankles it from into to outro. Thanks to listener Kim in South Carolina—the first induct...

I hope you don’t mind, folks, but some shows get off to a slow start. Hey, it’s an international hate extravaganza! While guest host Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, struggles to get Cletus to clean up his pigsty of a room, sound engineer Pauly from Bali shows off his Nerf orange plastic chair squatter toilet from his teaching days in China. Then, oh boy, does co-host Garrett wish he were here! Pau...

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches into the THN mailbag and shares the epistolary detestation of Broke Ass Kevin in Bastrop, Texas. He’s tired of speed traps and cops who can’t cut nobody no slack. I mean, what the blazes is the anti-socialist Lone Star State gonna do with $280 in fines, anyway? “Add another pylon to The Wall,” co-host Garrett, who isn’t here, supposes. Sound engineer Pauly f...

This is your pilot. Welcome to THN Flight 21, headed for the far-off horizons of hate. Feel free to unbuckle your safety harness, but please refrain from using it to strangle the annoying tyke who’s been kicking your seat and playing his beep-boop-beep video game since we rolled onto the takeoff tarmac. After spending too much time in airports recently, co-host Arik invites the THN crew to share i...

Ladies and Genitals! Welcome to our landmark 20th episode, where we roll out the red napkin for our Little Blue Planet’s newest nation state, Barbados! Barbados might be too short in the tooth to hate, but there’s still plenty of spite to go around for ham wipers, mother tuckers and butt flickers. “I for one don’t like the taste of the butt,” sound engineer Pauly from Bali assures us. “That would...

In Scotland, do they call unwanted email haggis? Worm bread in Italy? Bush meat in Africa? One thing’s for sure: everyone hates spam email. If you’re equally sick of THE HATE NAPKIN, just click unsubscribe, and we’ll kindly stop pestering you in a dozen or so months. Hallo, Deutschland! According to our crack analytics team, five percent of our listeners are women 50 and older in Germany. That’s n...

Hello, everybody! It’s your co-host Arik! Welcome to The Hate Napkin! Oh my God, who stole my cheese? Today’s episode opens up with a letter from Chase in Idaho! The fact of the matter is, we’re not funny, and we’re bad influences—which, well, is, um, all true. Also, who doesn’t hate Idaho? Anyway, while we’re typically all about hate, we do in fact love Chase’s penmanship. Then again, we do hate...

These are the voyages of the Starship THN, going boldly where no wiping fabric has gone before. Deep into the anals of hate! (Well, one or two napkins have probably already been there.) Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, our Paul-Lynde-center-square-super-guest-star, reaches into her local DQ napkin dispenser and produces a dandy: noise pollution from car stereos. The next time you think the rest of...

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches into the THN mailbag with a letter of loathing from Bob in K.C., who reminds us that vehicular numskullery is always just one entitled parking spot away. Co-host Arik agrees: “Hey, it’s America! We don’t pull over for emergency vehicles, cuz we’re the bestest, biggest bungholes in the world.” Then again, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is pretty sure the dead...