The Emil Show - All Things Relational

If you have ever wondered what a counseling session is like with me, or even just how counseling works, this episode is for you. Listen as I walk alongside with Mark and Jenn in an ACTUAL counseling session. The "Rock" of your Priorites The idea that priorities are rocks and the rest of our life is sand is a metaphor for the importance of focusing on the most important things in our live...

A toxic relationship is when two people in a relationship become reactive to each other's reactions, also known as a defensive-defensive cycle. They are unwilling or unable to keep their composure in certain situations without becoming defensive.   Having the right tools can help to get out of toxic moments. But we need to be able to identify those moments. 5 Personality traits that contribut...

Emil speaks to Lisa.  Lisa’s 16 year old step son recently moved in her her and her husband. It has dramatically changed her dynamic with her husband and she is looking for ways to communicate the may improve the situation. 1)      Determine desired outcome 2)      Identify expectations 4 statements of conflict: criticisms, questions, declarations, commands How to avoid defensiveness in conversati...

Designing your marriage is the process of intentionally creating the kind of marriage you want. It's about setting goals, communicating openly, and working together to build a strong and lasting relationship. Save 50% on Marriage Makeover Gold Package There are many different aspects to designing your marriage, but some of the most important include: Communicating effectively. This means bein...

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable depending on others and trusting them. They are able to express their emotions openly and honestly, and they feel confident that their partners will be there for them when they need them. Anxious attachment: People with an anxious attachment...

Today is part II of the conversation with my son, Hunter Harker. Hunter continues his in-depth explanation of our evolutionary biology and why act the way do. Our brain’s survival mechanisms are sabotaging our ability to communicate rationally and with empathy. Hunter teaches us to overcome these survival impulses and regain our security, self-love, and ultimately our ability to connect with other...

Today Emil interviews his son, Hunter Harker.  Hunter is a college student and trainer for the Residential Treatment Center Parent Program. He explains the neurobiology of defensiveness and insecurity.  Our brains have evolved to help us survive, but they have not adapted to the modern world. The primal part of the brain is hijacking our logic and empathy with even the smallest perceived threat. B...

YOU are the reason your relationship is the way it is. This may be hard to hear, but taking ownership gives you the power to create change. Instead of feeling like a victim of your circumstances, what can you do to change the dynamic? Here are a few things: 1.       Put your partner’s desires before your own. 2.       Utilize the power of validation. 3.       Talk about what you DO want in the rel...

Treat marriage like an organism not a piece of paper. Treat marriage like a business. Unconditional Love is marriage cancer - Wanting to be loved unconditionally is destructive. Being Defensive is completely biological -. Dichotomies that polarize explains a lot of the conflict- Some people choose peace over closeness, and fear vulnerability that desire intimacy.  Being pursued creates security. T...

Dysphoria is a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. It is the semantic opposite of euphoria. In a psychiatric context, dysphoria may accompany depression, anxiety, or agitation. 1. Keep exploring more ways to create change 2. Embrace those things that will not change by finding meaning and value in how you are growing as a person 3. Change directions. By ending the relationship with love a...

Excerpts from an email I recently received: I really appreciate the free copy of Confidence in Conflict.  Ironically, the very day it arrived, I was negotiating a deal with some investors from London and their main guy got really upset with me because I was wearing my attorney hat and putting legal protections into an agreement between us, and he stated that I didn't understand how business w...

1.       Lie about things to inflate your image then justify it to yourself as “true enough.” 2.       Are extremely confident but get defensive quickly and intensely when blamed or criticized 3.       Justify, rationalize, or minimize anything to make wrong things sound right or to make your behavior sound reasonable or normal 4.       Think the rules don’t apply to you or that you are an excepti...

We all feel insecurities. ALL OF US. The limit us. Hold us back. Make us question our value. But what if we could overcome those feelings - or at very least deal with them in a way that we can manage them? 4 Steps to Overcome Insecurities Define the situation that makes you feel a certain way How do you WANT to feel in that situation What would you have to believe to feel the feels in the situatio...

The only person you can control is yourself? False How do we make in an impact? What can we do to lead a better life and influence those around us to do so as well? There is a hole in the sidewalk. Someone should put a sign, some tape, a barricade to make sure people don’t fall in the hole. You would never walk right into the hole...or would you?! How often do we put ourselves into a situation whe...

Boundaries can be used as a weapon of manipulation. (Bad use of Boundaries) Boundaries are the rules that help me keep in what I want in my life and out of my life what I don’t want.  Boundaries are an invitation NOT an expectation. The parable of the white carpet You invite your friend to come over and see your new home. They bring your favorite drink. They arrive with mud all over their shoes an...

When someone we love leaves it is often pain and panic that determine our actions.  How do we engage in conversation during the pain and the panic? What do we do? 1.       Decide what we want from the situation 2.       Work to support the idea that people get to choose whatever they will choose 3.       Take time to listen. Validate and Listen – Listening does not equal agreement 4.       When we...

My friend Christine from the Shit Behind the Show Podcast had some pretty bold statments about my book " You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness ." There were some things I wanted to get clarity on, some things I wasn't sure I understood what she meant, and still some other stuff I just wanted to talk more about. What do I have to choose between our forever and our for right now? What...

They say comparison is the thief of joy.  But it is also the thief of peace, stillness, and self-esteem as well. In a world where we are able to access the curated lives of those around us it is easy to fall in to  a "I don't have enough/I will never have enough attitude. " So... What can we do about it? We can look at others and their lives quarterly (Small permission granted) and...

Just as counselors have to search/learn/find the therapies that they will work with each individual clients, clients need to find the right therapist/therapy that will work for them individually. Important Takeaway: Find the therapy that works for you. Book Recommendation: Dr Gottman " The Science of Trust " Attunement is the desire and the ability to understand and respect your partner&...

You can love someone unconditionally and be absolutely unfulfilled. What are the goals that you and your partner have for your marriage? What are your responsibilities to reach that goal and what are your partners? Can we have influence with another person and not be controlling or try and have influence OVER another person? Ultimately, It comes down to - Is this something we can communicate throu...

Loving someone for who they are is one of the greatest gifts you can give another person AND equally there is no greater feeling than knowing you are loved for exactly who/how you are.   People are constantly changing but there is a difference between who you are as a person and what you are evolving into and changing yourself for your partner. Rule #1 I don't wanna be with someone who doesn&...

Do you fall in love too easy? Once you are in a relationship do you invest EVERYTHING just to keep the relationship together? How often are you heartbroken because those feelings aren't reciprocated? Cody and Emil jump headlong into the "Law of Reciprocity" and how it applies to dating.  You'll learn when to "Cool your jets" and when to "Pour gas on the fire&quot...

When you bring something up (complaint) do the people in your life respond by being defensive? You've likely tried the "I" statements - but there is a better way! 4 Steps of Complaining to strengthen the relationship 1.  Share my feelings and reasons 2. Use a transition phrase - see it from their point of view 3. Share their feelings and reasons 4.  Check-in Get your own copy of  -...

I know you love your teenager but what if you learned that what you were doing was making things worse. Here are the most common don'ts that loving parents do, and what we can do instead.  Get your own copy of  - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness  

You know those moments when someone makes a comment and it stings? It's not a full on conversation but a "drive by" with a one line zinger instead of bullets. Traditionally we either don't say anything and just seethe, or we call the person out on it, but their passivity turns into innocence and denial. So... How do we respond in a way that helps us protect and defend our bound...