The Cult I Left Behind

One hundred episodes. Two and a half years. This is the moment when we pause and look back, say thank you, and close this chapter that is so dear to our hearts. Amanda and Kyle take a trip down memory lane, pay tribute to guests who came on the show, and share two important letters - one to the person who made this show possible, and one for you: the people who made it real because you showed up,...

We've been crying for days, and we're not done yet. In this penultimate episode, Amanda and Kyle reflect on 2.5 years and nearly 100 episodes of The Cult I Left Behind — what it cost, what it gave back, and what they know now that they didn't when they hit record for the first time. Amanda shares what this show taught her about her own healing, her foundational wounds around family...

Many of us who were raised to be good little girls are facing some hard realizations these days. This episode is a stark look at the links between cults, high-control religion, and sex trafficking rings, and their impact on girls and women. Amanda grew up inside the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) cult, a high-control religious system where girls were trained to be compliant, deferential...

We're focusing on our little family this week, but will release back-to-back episodes to make up for the delay. See you in a week!  Support the show

Fear lives in the stories we tell ourselves, the categories we cling to, and the way we decide who is safe and who is “other.” In this episode, Amanda and Kyle examine how fear quietly shapes worldviews in cults, families, belief systems, politics, and everyday thinking. Amanda reflects on a question listeners have asked for years: How did your parents end up in a cult? Her answer is simple, but u...

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We’re often told that exposure leads to change. That once harm is named, brought into the light, or made public, something will finally shift. But that hasn’t been Amanda's experience. In this episode, Amanda and Kyle talk through why exposure alone rarely produces real change and why, in many systems, it actually becomes a substitute for it. They look at how harm can be acknowledged over and...

In 2024, as public conversations about abuse, grooming, and accountability unfolded again and again, Amanda found herself watching familiar patterns repeat. These patterns felt uncomfortably close to the high-control religious world she thought she had left behind. For Amanda, this was not just cultural commentary. It was personal. In this episode, Amanda and Kyle step away from sensationalism to...

The holidays come with an expectation of joy. For many people, that expectation can feel impossible. In this quiet, honest conversation, Amanda shares a truth she’s been sitting with for a long time: healing doesn’t automatically make you receptive to happiness or joy. When your nervous system formed in trauma, joy doesn’t arrive on command, and it often can’t depend on other people or outcomes yo...

In this episode, Amanda and Kyle dive into moral scrupulosity OCD and how it has shaped Amanda’s life. She shares openly about the intense anxiety and compulsive behaviors she developed growing up in a high-control religious environment under Bill Gothard’s IBLP cult. These patterns looked like “perfectionism” on the surface but were actually rooted in fear, uncertainty, and shame.  Amanda discuss...

We’ll see you next week, when we’re feeling better, for an episode Amanda is so excited to share with you all! We’re grateful for you and we love you guys!  Support the show

Sit in on the first conversation Amanda and Kyle have had together about what they’re learning on their journey as new parents.  Amanda opens up about lifelong fears around the kind of mother she might become, and Kyle reflects on what he actually sees in her.  Together, they laugh (and yawn) their way through the learning curves of parenting and share some of the moments when Amanda’s past collid...

Amy Duggar King joins us to talk about her new book Holy Disruptor , and she does not hold back. From growing up around the Duggar family and IBLP to setting boundaries and breaking cycles of silence, Amy brings her whole heart to shining a light on the darkness that shaped her childhood and family.  We talk about the gap between reality TV and real life, what it means to be labeled the “black she...

Author, veteran, and advocate Elizabeth Estabrooks joins Amanda and Kyle to explore the realities of trauma, institutional betrayal, and what it truly means to heal. Drawing from her decades in sexual assault and domestic violence advocacy, Liz shares the inspiration behind her book Broken in the Stronger Places—and why healing is less about perfection and more about resourcefulness. Connect with...

In this episode of The Cult I Left Behind , Amanda once more opens up her old diaries from her time in the IBLP cult and the early days of leaving. She reads while Kyle reacts in real time. Together, they talk through what those pages reveal about life inside IBLP, the challenges of leaving, and the moments of growth and hope along the way. Amanda and Kyle also share some important life updates. ...

We’re diving into Shiny Happy People Season 2 — and this time, Kyle’s the one with the inside scoop. While Amanda expected to lead the conversation, it turned out Kyle’s past experience at an Acquire the Fire event made this season his wheelhouse. In this episode, we share our live reactions, unpack the big themes of Season 2, and talk through why this follow-up series hits differently than the fi...

When Chantelle was sent to the cult Headquarters as an “encouragement case,” she encountered Bill Gothard’s inappropriate and abusive behavior toward teenage girls firsthand. She shares what it was like to grow up in IBLP and ATI, survive both Headquarters and the cult’s finishing school for young ladies, and ultimately marry young to escape her father’s “umbrella of authority.” Today, Chantelle u...

In the second half of our conversation with poet Jessica Jocelyn, we pick up where the shocking story of her mom left off. Jessica shares how poetry became a way to make sense of loss, love, and the wounds only a mother can leave behind. Together, Amanda and Jessica talk about healing mother wounds, the fear of becoming like the women who hurt them, and the complicated feelings that surface as we...

In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we’re honored to welcome poet Jessica Jocelyn—whose writing has been a healing touchstone for Amanda and may already be familiar to listeners of the podcast. Jessica is a best-selling poet whose work explores love, loss, motherhood, and the complexities of family with raw emotional power. She’s the author of five volumes of poetry, all widely praised for th...

Amanda has gotten a lot of questions about whether she would ever let anyone from her biological family back into her life. For a long time, the answer was no. But then something changed. It’s been a year and a half, and we've waited a long time to talk about it. This is the first time we're sharing the story.  Support the show

Amanda reads from her childhood diaries—yes, actual entries from her cult years—and then melts through the floor in embarrassment. It’s awkward, vulnerable, and a surprisingly raw window into growing up homeschooled under fundamentalism.  Support the show

Amanda opens this episode with some never-before-shared stories from her early experiences in therapy—including one that caught even Kyle off guard. From there, the mic turns, and Kyle shares what it was like to hear Amanda’s story for the first time and slowly step into the world of advocacy and trauma-informed care. What begins as reflection becomes something quietly transformative—revealing jus...

In a deeply personal episode, Amanda opens up about the circumstances that led to the end of her relationship with her adoptive parents. What started as a long-building tension came to a head when Amanda asked to be treated like a real daughter—and was told no. She and Kyle walk through the factors that shaped the outcome, what was said, how it unfolded, and what it means to grieve the loss of a f...

Content warning: This episode includes discussion of sexual violence, including against children.  When Amanda set boundaries with her bio family—and the brother who abused her—she expected it to be hard. But not like this. In this highly personal episode, she shares a glimpse into the painful correspondence with her three younger brothers and their disturbing responses: manipulation, gaslighting,...

As The Cult I Left Behind listeners know, Mother’s Day isn’t a sappy Hallmark holiday for Amanda. In this episode, Amanda and Kyle talk about what the day brings up—not just for Amanda, but for anyone who experienced harm from their mothers. Amanda shares a letter she wrote to the mother figures in her life and reflects on how watching motherhood play out in the cult shaped her earliest beliefs—an...