The Covert Narcissism Podcast

Has your partner ever accused you of pulling away from the relationship? Of shutting down? Of being emotionally unavailable? Maybe you even feel that you are. Then you wonder if this is all your fault for not being engaged with them anymore. This is another example of reactive abuse or trauma response. My husband accused me of pulling away emotionally. I wanted to scream, Of course I’m pulling awa...

There is an invisible line, imaginary and yet very real, that once pushed past it, you simply cannot come back. No amount of effort will bring you back from this point of no return.   Brinkmanship is the art of pursuing a dangerous policy to the limits of safety before stopping. The dangerous policy is mistreating others, dismissing them, invalidating them, blaming them, yelling at them, cheating...

Have you wondered about your own sanity in all of this? Have you reached the end of your limit and simply exploded. Now you are the one yelling and screaming at him? Am I the abusive one? Should they come take me away? Many victims have had these experiences and thoughts. You are not alone and you are not crazy! What you are experiencing is often called reactive abuse. Have you ever heard of this?...

Narcissistic relationships are quite addictive for both individuals. But that addiction looks different for each of them.   The victim of narcissistic abuse is addicted to the peaceful moments and love bombing. Love bombing is when they become whatever it is that you desire in the relationship. Your "perfect match." When these moments come, it is such a huge relief from the blaming, guil...

Psychologist Dr. Erica Ellis joins us in this episode. She brings wonderful expertise regarding high conflict divorce and how to protect the children. Dr. Ellis is not only a licensed psychologist, but also a best-selling author, and a leading expert on child centered divorce. After working with over 1,000 divorcing families, many of which were high-conflict, over the past 30 years, she has discov...

What is gaslighting?  When someone denies you the right to your own perception.  Telling you that your perception is wrong. Working to convince you that their perception is hard fact. Ultimately causing you to doubt your own sense of reality and sense of self.   The perfect victim of gaslighting is someone who doubts themselves. The smallest glimpse of doubt in you leaves you vulnerable. If you ev...

The pathological lies of a covert narcissist leave a wake of devastation. Not only do they affect your immediate life and life choices, but they leave deep scars inside you as you unravel all the lies. In this episode, Julie tells her story as she woke up to over a decade of lies that drastically impacted her life.    Lies from a narcissistic person are not only to avoid personal responsibility. T...

What sets off narcissistic anger? Anything and everything!! Asking them to help in the kitchen, asking them to pickup a few groceries on the way home - how dare I inconvenience them? Asking them how much gas is in the car - how dare I challenge their expertise in caring for the car?  Chatting about how your day has been, chatting about your kids, telling them about how the kids are doing in school...

A Covert narcissist takes over your life. I have heard so many victims so I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I just want to be me again. I feel like I lost myself. One of the problems of living with a covert narcissist is that your mind is constantly wrapped up in the past and the future. The present is NOT safe. Out of the need for survival, we stay in the past and future. One of the pitfalls...

God told me! Scripture tells me. you're supposed to love me! You're supposed to forgive me! I'm the most Christian person you know. You're just letting the devil in your heart. I've got God in my heart! It's not my fault that you don't. If you would just get things right with God, then you would love me again. You know, you really need to pray about it! The spiritual narcissist or religious narcis...

How do I fix this? I used to ask that for years. Every day of my life I can fix anything. If I can just help him to see… If I can just find the right words… How does this get better? I get asked this by so many people. Victims who are in the exact place that I used to be. Women and men who are desperate for things to get better. And these are people who are willing to do whatever it takes. People...

“You're not good enough!” may be the exact words that you hear from an outwardly arrogant overt narcissist. But the covert narcissist won’t say this directly. They in fact will say to you, “you are too good for me,” while they make you feel worthless.   “You’re too good to me,” followed with days of ignoring you. Lost in video games and their phone, paying no attention when we talk to them, ignori...

Covert narcissists seem to have absolutely no emotional intelligence, inside themselves or with the world around them. The general consensus is that they have no understanding of basic human emotion, especially other people’s emotions. But even their own. They continuously stomp all over your feelings and don’t show an ounce of care about it. They can talk harshly and callously one minute and be c...

Why did I put up with this for so long?? How is that possible? I never even saw it! Are you kidding me? In the words of Debbie Mirza in her book Worthy of Love, “You were chosen to play a role you didn’t even know you auditioned for." What role have you been playing? Maybe multiple roles. Where did you learn to play them? As kids growing up, we learned a way of interacting with our world. For me,...

There are some things that people should just never say to a victim of narcissistic abuse, and specifically covert narcissistic abuse. As a victim myself, I know that It is so hard sometimes to find people who understand and actually know how to provide the unique support that this victim needs. They need to feel heard and validated in a way that most people don’t seem to understand. In this episo...

At least they didn’t hit you! At least it wasn’t physical abuse! Have you ever heard those words?   You are trying to explain to someone what you have been through. You are trying to explain the situation, the feelings, the thoughts. Covert emotional and psychological abuse is incredibly difficult to explain. Even as the words come out of your mouth, you recognize that you sound petty and trivial....

I was privileged to be interviewed by Ross Rosenberg, an internationally known expert in the field of narcissism. It was quite an honor to meet with him and share my story with him and his audience. This two-part series is that interview shared here with you.   Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise...

Imagine getting all fancied up for a first date. Super excited to be going out with this person. You’ve been waiting for a while for this evening, and now it is here. You change clothes 4 times. Nothing seems to be good enough. You fix your hair just right. You check yourself in the mirror 20 times. Nothing in my teeth, good. How’s my smile? Hair? Make-up? Jewelry? You’ve been prepping for over 2...

I was privileged to be interviewed by Ross Rosenberg, an internationally known expert in the field of narcissism. It was quite an honor to meet with him and share my story with him and his audience. This two-part series is that interview shared here with you.   Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise...

“If I validate my kid's feelings about their dad, then I'm bad mouthing him. If I tell my kids he's not that bad, and he really does love them, then I'm gaslighting them. My kids have picked up on the fact that he is a difficult person to deal with, and often show up at my house and tell me the latest thing he did. When I encourage them to talk to their dad about how they feel, they say they can't...

Guilt is such a unique thing. It can be wonderful and horrible all at the same time. Many of us are raised to feel guilty when we do something that we should not or when we hurt someone’s feelings. We are taught that we should feel bad and make it right. This is not a bad thing. Guilt motivates us to apologize. It motivates us to do right and to fix things. Without guilt, we might not make amends....

How do you feel in this relationship with a covert narcissist? Describe it. What are your feelings? Confused. Hurt. Angry. Overwhelmed. Like everything is my fault. Perplexed. Afraid. Ungrateful. Confused. Like I can’t do anything right. Guilty. Exhausted. Spent. Depressed. Stressed. Anxious. Sad. Did I say - Confused.  How are your kids doing? They are going through the same feelings that you are...

Many people are struggling to understand what a covert narcissist actually is. I recently heard a podcast that was trying to figure out what a covert narcissist really is. They clearly, like so many, did not understand. I was surprised when they said, "Aren’t all narcissists covert because they all do things in secret?" They were talking about secret affairs, abuse behind closed doors, secret comm...

When a person feels threatened, physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, there will be a response inside them. This will happen. No matter what age. Even a young baby recognizes danger and their system responds.   As a baby that response is very reactive. Crying, screaming, and even being inconsolable. They need outside sources of calm to help them regulate. We hold them, soothe them, f...

My covert narcissistic husband loved the word "brinkmanship." He bragged about how no one knows what that word means and how great he is at it. This should have set alarm bells off in my head!! But it didn’t. Sure, I thought it was strange. This seemed like an odd word and an odd concept. Brinkmanship is the art or practice of pushing a dangerous situation or confrontation to the limit of safety,...