The Cartoncast

The Cartoncasters were hard at work, scoping out Manhattan for another story, but took a wrong turn and wound up in the extravagant mansion of a Machiavellian billionaire. A huge shape jumped from the building, revealing itself to be the leader of the Last of the Gargoyles. Goliath (along with some idiots) told the dark tale of how they were betrayed. Ben and Zane were skeptical until they realize...

Stardate 3571-247: Ben and Zane have left the ship to enter a portal leading into a strange landscape. They found themselves in a pocket dimension, controlled by benevolent yet condescending aliens. They propose a test to find out if humanity is truly good: The Cartoncasters must consistently confuse Star Wars and Star Trek on the internet, and hold their tongues against any backlash. In addition,...

In a twist of fate, Ben and Zane were delayed from their cartoon-centric mission when they were deputized by ACME to catch the notorious criminal Carmen Sandiago. Naturally, what with ACME being the highest form of law on earth, they complied, and immediately C5-ed from place to place, learning about exotic locales and artifacts from Matthew Lesko. They didn't catch Carmen, but they sure did learn...

Due to a typo on their podcasting license, Ben and Zane had to repeat a year of high school. They were sent to Cromartie High, where badass delinquents have control of the school. The lack of authority meant that the Cartoncasters had to put on a brave exterior, lest their peers see that they have a rich inner emotional life. However, respectful discussions won out over bravado, and the whole scho...

When an anonymous Man showed up to the Cartoncast office with two tickets to Wily and Light's concert, Ben and Zane were overjoyed. They packed up the bus with retro T-shirts, a first aid kit for moshing, and what the hell, supplies just in case a robo-apocalypse was forthcoming. It was a shame that when they got there, the only song the band played was "Super Fighting Robot". Again. And again. An...

When Ben and Zane passed by the pet store, they just couldn't resist the tabby orange cat in the window. Huggable and tame, the beast had just the right amount of gluttony, sloth, and pride, and the Cartonists had thought they found the perfect mascot. They were all ready to purchase, but then it turned out that there was no cat. Ben and Zane had just been talking to no one at all, unaware of thei...

Welcome back to the Cartoncast - or should I say, the Burtoncast? This week we revisit our Bootlegg'd segment for Corpse Bride. The mood was just terrifing/punny enough to entice our resident horror expert, Dan 'Delights in Existential Ennui' Caves. With an appreciation of the freedom of death that is sure to lead to an intervention, the Cartonists (and guest) dive into the belly of Corpse Bride t...

Well, crickets. Looks like Ben and Zane done pissed off the wrong cartoon deities and found themselves in the town of Jefferton, a hell crafted to suit only the most mild-mannered milquetoasts. It turns out they weren't the first people sent there - Tom Peters had been sent to Jefferton ages ago, presumably for mispelling his name on his taxes or something. It was a horrifying limbo until Ben and...

When the Comptroncast (our computer) stopped working, Ben and Zane met up with tech support guru Jimmy Neutron. He looked at it for a second in confusion, thought really hard, and exclaimed "Brainblast!" before using it in the center of a pentagram. With a wisp of smoke and the smell of sulfur, the device transported us into Retroville, a beautiful city with horrifying inhabitants. But it's a good...

It's not an easy life in The City, but the cartoncasters Ben and Zane are willing to listen to her woes. They're not pretty woes, they're the kind of woes you find at the bottom of the bargain bin, and plead with the clerk "Just how long have these woes been here!?" But it's not so bad - every so often they get the opportunity to meet a true hero. Just last week they ran into a bastion of justice...

Take a trip through the Cartoncasters' immune systems as Ben and Zane work through their respective colds. With the help of a wildly irresponsible teacher, we'll learn about the body, the universe, and the power of friendship. In all honesty, we knew we should have stayed home today.

Ben and Zane were walking through animation, minding their own business, when suddenly space warped around them, transporting them to the land of puppetry. It turned out that the cause of the reality maelstrom was a vaguely racist caricature, one Cousin Skeeter. The Cartoncasters tried their best to figure out a way home, but it was really hard to focus on anything besides that goddamn puppet.

Ben and Zane decided to take in a jazz concert in the seedy part of town. The music was fantastic, but some jerk kept talking loudly throughout the whole thing. Suddenly, he started choking, and died right there on the spot. Luckily, who else was in attendance but the world-famous Richard Moore! The Cartonists rushed to get his autograph, and even though they took up all his attention and he actua...

Recently, the Cartonists were trying to track down what happened to Bugs Bunny after his heyday in the loony toon era. Did he simply disappear with the advent of newer, edgier cartoon styles? Did he adapt to fit a modern audience? As they delved deeper, they found the truth - his mind had fractured under the stress of fame and fortune, and his personalities eventually spawned a world of his own cr...

Ever since THE EVENT, Ben and Zane have lived in fear that the nanites in their blood would turn them into monstrous EVOs. People are protesting in the streets about Providence's current policy of killing all EVOs with electric guitars and 90's slang. The atmosphere is so angsty and tense that nobody can watch their soap operas in peace. And then, from the ranks of the EVOs comes a savior: the hon...

This week, Ben and Zane were flying Kim and her friend, whose name escapes me, down to Venezuela to stop an evil magician from erupting a volcano. They were trying to get a story out of her during the flight - something about mad scientists or ninjas or mechanical soldiers - but all she wanted to talk about were the most bland teenage boys in the world. Luckily, Ben and Zane pretty much tuned out...

Join Ben and Zane for our Bootlegg'd segment, where we hitch a ride on the Fievel Goes West train in hopes of a better life free of cats. With top-notch voice actors, beautiful animation, and just the right blend of comedy, melancholy, and hope, this movie distracts you from the fact that they just reused the same plot from the first one, and added the best love scene in any movie, ever.

This Halloween, Ben and Zane and their friend Dan went trick-or-treating down by the landfill owned by old man Csupo. While discussing the true nature of horror, they saw a red rabbit and chased it down a hole, where they were captured by all kinds of terrifying creatures. A horrible green monster with tasteful high heels strapped them into a machine that would reveal their creepiest thoughts, but...

Ben and Zane were minding their own business, narrating events as they unfolded, when fabulous powers were revealed to them. By raising their microphones and saying the magic words, "I have the podcast!" they were transformed into the Cartonists, masters of their own domain name. When they asked He-Man for advice on how to use their power for good, he just smiled slightly to the left of them and s...

While looking for their lost egg Steve, Ben and Zane met the king and queen of Urgerderger [sic]. They had many stories to tell, but while the Cartonists wanted to hear more about the kingdom and its unusual inhabitants, all they wanted to talk about was their boring kids. Listen as Ben and Zane try to teach this husband-and-wife team that being evil is not a choice, though being silly certainly i...

The Cartonists have been downtrodden by the opulent overclass before, but it won't stop them from telling their message. This week, Ben and Zane tell the story of a city gone soft from its own success on the backs of the people who made it great. With the growing ranks of human-like androids, it's getting harder to tell the distinction between what's real and what's simply a stage production. Perh...

As stated heretofore, the party of the first part (hereafter referred to as "The Cartoncast"), having affixed signatures on an affidavit requesting that the party of the second part (hereafter referred to as "Hanna-Barbera") provide proper recompense in regards to their stonewalling of prearranged interviews, per se, of copyrighted characters hitherto in absentia, have procured the services of the...

Hey everyone, thanks for coming out tonight. Now, lemme tell ya about this podcast I heard about. These two guys, Ben and Zane, they're always linking everything back to cartoons they watched. Sometimes they'd say to me, "Louie Anderson, we're your biggest fans. You know, if you had a cartoon, you'd be famous." And I'd think to myself... did I hear that right? You know, maybe they should make a ca...

While Ben and Zane were trying to figure out what cartoon to investigate next, an ancient religious tome appeared on their doorstep. Expressions awed, they quickly translated the texts and skrawlings, only to discover the means to opening a portal to a semi-divine plane of existence. Listen to their recordings as they relate here, for the first time, the transcendental secrets of the 'Chalk Zone'....