The Buoyant Leader

Do you ever “lose it”? By “lose it,” I’m talking about an embarrassingly inappropriate reaction to whatever’s going on. It’s not kind. It’s not proportionate. And it’s never helpful. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never lost it on purpose. That is, there has never been a moment when I thought to myself, “Now’s a really good time to lose it.” But just because it isn’t a rational, intentional resp...

“Do you want a statue? Or do you want to serve?” One of my coaching clients shared with me that he’d been asking himself these questions recently, in a brave and profound exercise of introspection. He’d begun his entrepreneurial journey from a place of love and service. But along the way he’d been influenced by the Silicon Valley culture of entrepreneur worship, and had felt a pull toward doing th...

The first verse of Chuck Berry’s 1959 song “Memphis, Tennessee” goes like this: Long distance information, give me Memphis, Tennessee Help me find the party trying to get in touch with me She could not leave her number, but I know who placed the call 'Cause my uncle took the message and he wrote it on the wall OK, this is familiar stuff. The lovebirds were torn apart, and they’re trying to reunite...

In 1967, the Rolling Stones were instructed to sing "Let's spend some time together" on the Ed Sullivan show, because the actual lyrics ("Let's spend the night together") were deemed too risque for network television. And so when you watch a video of the performance , you’ll hear them clearly articulate the sanitized lyrics. While it’s true that Jagger and bassist Bill Wyman engaged in hilarious a...

Last week, police in Portland, Oregon, searched a stolen car and found fentanyl, oxycodone, methamphetamines, a loaded gun, and a wad of cash. That’s hardly news. What caught my eye was the fact that the drugs, guns, and money were all in a zippered pouch labeled “Definitely not a bag full of drugs.” I am not making this up. Now obviously, I am telling you this because it’s bizarre and, if I’m bei...

I’m a big believer in fostering psychological safety at work. Without it, people will play it safe. They won’t take big swings. They’ll keep their concerns to themselves. They’ll defend the status quo rather than seek creative new ways to proceed. Oh, and the workplace will suck. People will be miserable. And that misery will ripple out into the wider world. When psychological safety is lacking in...

When I work with a client to help them achieve what matters most to them, we spend a great deal of time and focus on the relationship between them and their mind. (Sometimes I’m the couples therapist of last resort — things can get ugly in there.) I talk about “Mindset Mastery,” but that’s not exactly accurate. (Alliteration rarely is.) Because as anyone with a mind knows: You can’t master your mi...

When someone you care about is struggling with a problem, you might be tempted to give them advice. While coming from a well-meaning place, unsolicited advice is likely to make things worse. That’s because it’s usually received as a passive-aggressive form of criticism: “I know better than you, so I’m going to tell you what to do.” I recommend a much more powerful technique to help people solve th...

When someone you care about is struggling with a problem, you might be tempted to give them advice. While coming from a well-meaning place, unsolicited advice is likely to make things work. That’s because it’s usually received as a passive-aggressive form of criticism: “I know better, so I’m going to tell you what to do.” I recommend a much more powerful technique to help people solve their own pr...

The song is “Wannabe,” by the Spice Girls. I’ve had its intro in my head since I first heard it in the late 90s: “Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want.” ”So tell me what you want, what you really really want.” And that’s how I think about the crucial, game-changing step in the process of bringing out the best in people who are struggling with a problem. It’s the “tell me what y...

Old Jewish joke: Old man on a train, repeatedly complaining, “Oy, am I thirsty. Oy, am I thirsty.” Over and over. The other passengers are getting agitated. Finally, a kind woman goes to the dining car, buys a bottle of water and gives it to the man. He drinks it all up and sits in silence. The passengers breathe out sighs of relief. Then: “Oy, was I thirsty. Oy, was I thirsty.” Ba dum bum. The po...

Even in humming, high performing teams, conflict occurs. (In fact, little to no conflict is a giant flashing sign that what you’ve got is a polite team, and NOT a high performing one. Just watch Bohemian Rhapsody to see an example of a high performing team (Queen) that was fueled by intense conflict. But there’s generative conflict, where the parties involved are both looking with curiosity and pa...

We’ve known for decades that most soft skills training doesn’t change behavior or improve business outcomes. And despite all the innovations in adult ed and technology, the situation is no better now than in the old days of Death by Powerpoint and building towers out of dried spaghetti and marshmallows to teach creativity. According to a 2022 Gartner survey, just 29% of employees say learning and...

In last week’s newsletter , we saw that unsolicited advice typically backfires. That’s because you’re coming in as a critic, knowing better — and that triggers people’s defenses. Neurologically, defending against threat narrows focus and suppresses creativity. Instead, we need to request and receive permission to have an uplifting conversation. So how do we do it? In our book You Can Change Other...

What if someone in your life is struggling, and you know you could help them if they just let you? It feels cruel to just let them suffer on their own, making the same mistake over and over again, when all they have to do is listen to you. Maybe you’ve been where they are, and you can offer support from a place of wisdom. Maybe you’ve helped others with this same issue, and you know you can ease t...

Today, I want to share with you a really powerful way to instantly deescalate a conflict. And before I do, I want to explain why it’s so hard to deescalate conflict. Why we get drawn into conflict when we know it doesn't serve us. Why we become angry, agitated, passive, disengaged, avoidant, or whatever our repertoire of states and behaviors in response to conflict. Conflict is seductive. Amanda R...

I want to share two cool facts that I learned from the book  High Conflict ,  by Amanda Ripley. Fact #1: The word “categorize” comes from ancient Greek and originally meant  to accuse .  That is, the linguistic origin of the idea of putting things or people into groups has an embedded negative connotation. If I’m in one group and you’re in another, one of us is a bit tarnished...

What are best-practice communication techniques to let a work colleague know that you’re not happy with how they’re speaking or acting? Here’s what ChatGPT came up with: Be Specific: Clearly describe the behavior that’s bothering you. Avoid vague statements and focus on concrete examples. Stay Calm and Respectful: Keep your emotions in check and approach the conversation with respect. This helps t...