The Al Morton Takeout

Episode 22. In this late-election special, we dive into the murky waters of Clacton to find out if something dangerous is lurking. We explore the history of England’s favourite patron saint, St George. Can you even write dragon-slayer on your visa application? There are more ludicrous royal honours and a potential knighthood for Johnson’s dog, Dylan. I end up in hot water for playing jazz in a blu...

Episode 21. This special edition celebrates the spirit of HS2 cancel-culture as we salute the British green-washed, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. I suggest alternative uses for the Bibby Stockholm ‘stop-the-boats’ prison barge. Baroness Barbie tells us about her first day in the House of Lords and I come face-to-face with the perils of The Telegraph dating App. We ask why piranha-like fish are attac...

Episode 20. In this edition, we dive deeper into the world of artificial intelligence and those who seek to flood social media with AI-generated content for ad revenue and ebook sales. We find out what happens when your virtual girlfriend decides to dump you. We use a pirate treasure map to locate a Brexit benefit and drop in at the Tory Party election Death Star for a dose of anger-management the...

Episode 19. In this uproarious edition, we salute the humble root vegetable at the heart of the Tory British Empire. There are Chinese spy balloons popping up all over the place, and we ask if the presenters of GB News are suffering from Long Johnson. There is a shaggy-dog story as we drop in on another guitar lesson from Venus. We also dive into all the naughty bits from Prince Harry’s book, Spar...

In Episode 18: We discuss why it could be a bad idea to ask Melania Trump to decorate your tree and ask - should football be banned at Christmas? Also, why does tofu taste so nasty when ‘Lefty Guardian readers’ are supposed to love it? And what does ‘woke’ actually mean?  We feature the new Die Hard Christmas movie, Winter of Discontent, starring Sushi Fishsnack as a hard-bitten UK prime minister....

In Episode 17, it’s time to load up those cost-of-living pitchforks and light the ‘angry mob’ torches as we head down to Westminster to demand more money for MPs and tax cuts for the rich. We discuss what was found in the FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, and ask if Liz Truss really is Lady Penelope's marionette puppet from Thunderbirds. Will she even be capable of replacing our magnificent s...

In Episode 16, I feature a clash between Jack Monroe, author of Cooking on a Bootstrap, and a right-wing troll. I explore the attention deficit caused by swiping video shorts on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. It turns into a bit of a rant (sorry). There is an update on the story about the bear that broke into an Italian bakery. This time he’s causing mayhem on a train. We try to interview the porn...

In Episode 15 we meet the captain of the Brexit & Orient Pirate Ship, Spirit of Britain (now registered in Cypress). We visit an Italian bakery as Carrito, a rare wild bear, goes full ‘tonto’ and scoffs all the biscuits. We also try to save a big dog called Boris after it eats a pair of the British prime minister’s socks in an Italian castle. Finally, Mike Britton, jazz-guitar twanger to the stars...

Episode 14: This edition drops in on the British Prime Minister as he fields a call from the Queen mid-Downing Street party. Brenda from Bristol adds her voice to the political maelstrom and we hear from a Cov-idiot on a train. I chat about the Winter of Discontent then join the British Foreign Secretary as she jets off to Ozz in search of Brexit benefits for farmers. I take the Spanish test for d...

Warning! This podcast includes some adult content. Welcome to Episode 13. Are you ready to party? Then join Dick Dastardly Johnson and the leader of the Ant Hill gang as they argue over wine and cheesy nibbles at the annual lockdown Prime Minister’s quiz. I reveal if Joe Biden really is the Tinsel-Torcher of Mid-Town Manhattan who set fire to the Fox News Christmas tree. We also discover Hank Marv...

Episode 12 has a watery green theme (well more a shade of brown really). It includes Greta Thunberg singing outside of the COP26 Climate Change Conference; the Royal Family sharing their tips on fighting global warming, and a challenge to British MPs to swim in the water near Bristol. We also ask the question: Where does British salt come from and is it safe to eat snack foods that list it as a no...

Episode 11 asks: Does the word ‘Foreign’ in Foreign Office stand for the department of overseas holidays? We catch up with an ex-minister in charge as he tries to repatriate a painting of Her Majesty the Queen from the British Embassy in Kabul and also some dogs. We drop in on President Biden in the White House as he fields a difficult call from the British prime minister. I chat about the moralit...

A 4-minute trailer for Episode 10 - You Only Lie Twice featuring: 'Matt Hancock being fed to Johnson's Piranhas', 'A Plastic Cow', 'Global Britain in Space', and 'Pink Floyd called my Grandma'. All this along with some jazzy guitar playing from - well - just me really. Marvellous. 

Episode 10. In this edition, we explore what would happen if British Prime Minister Johnson were to play the role of James Bond's nemesis, supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Would he feed his political allies to the piranhas? I share further insight from Twitter on Nigel Farage's new career and we find out who NASA would call if Houston were to experience a problem with a British component on a Ma...

Episode 9. This episode is brought to you live from the decks of The Black Pearl, where Captain Balboa instructs Liz Truss on the British Ministerial Pirate Code. We pay a visit to the Downing St Media Centre and drop in on the recording of a Nasty Party political broadcast. I pay tribute to the passing of HRH the Duke of Edinburgh and Les McKeown of The Bay City Rollers. I tell the story of how I...

Episode 8. In this explosive edition, we discover which bully is the greater, Megan or Priti. We share top decorating tips from no.10 for under 200,000. We ask if Mr Potato Head deserves a knighthood more than Nigel Farage and place a call to the COVID hotline.  Finally, I reveal what happens when you cancel the musicians for your bingo night.

Episode 7 is brought to you live from the bridge of the Tory Party Death Star. Lord Vader makes plans for the devolved regions and Priti Patel gives a fulsome apology for not bullying. We learn about Aardvark husbandry in Spain and the age limit to avoid choking on seedless grapes at New Year. Finally, CatWorld goes global with record sales of my thriller, Permissive Ink.

An updated trailer for my thriller, Permissive Ink. The Spanish guitar music is Joaquin Malats' 'Serenata Española' and the 'Unlucky Lottery Vendor' theme from Episode 8 was played by myself. There is also an extract from Mike Britton's BBC archive of him playing his arrangement of 'French Mistake' featuring the vocal talents of Angela Christian.  Check them out and maybe download a Kindle version...

Episode 6. In this edition, I ask if the UK is voting to become a 'rogue state' and reveal the blue-sky thinking behind the government's plan to deter immigrants arriving in small boats. I chat with Miley Cyrus' alter ego about veganism and get myself disqualified from a paella competition. Finally, Mike Britton and I play a bagpipes duet at a Vicar's tea party. 

Episodes 1 to 5. (updated) I have been busy finding an agent for my book this month. If you are a writer, you already know there could be tears. My blue Brexitty passport arrives, and I pay tribute to guitarist Julian Bream. I question why MPs would rather clap NHS nurses than pay them properly. I also ask why the BBC needs to chase over-75s for their licence fee. Finally, stag trouble at Alicante...