Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 6 - Hot Goth Peach Square Roots - Episode 495 Quest Log: 0:40:45 Level Up: 1:44:10 Finally the game has someone for Matt, and it's Hot Goth Peach. She gets a real Legend makeover and turns all dark and pale and evil and even decapitates someone! This is a very weird Mario game.  Also: • Matt Raw Dogs New Shirts • Cyclops Earns Scott Points • The Digital One...

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 5 - A Sticky, Yummy Accident Square Roots - Episode 494 Quest Log: 0:30:30 Level Up: 1:44:30 We solve some train mysteries and rewrite train histories on this exciting episode of Square Roots! Mario can get bad ended as a ghost, so this is a pretty great chunker just by default. If the moon is for boys, then why is Peach there? Also: * Jim Accidentally Post...

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 4 - Boat/Unboat Square Roots - Episode 493 Quest Log: 0:30:22 Level Up: 1:29:20 The gang takes Mario a-treasure huntin' in this week's episode of Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. We meet a new bomb friend, beat up a ghost skull, and get involved in more Plant People Crime Family Drama. We also meet Flavio, a rich character who has lived a whole life yet...

The Square Roots Game of the Year Extravaganza Square Roots - Episode 492 We ignore the idea that 2016 is ten years ago as we get to the end of 2025 and talk about the game of the year from the games we played for the podcast this year (from the main show) as well as our own 2025 game of the year choice! * Good Queen Vanessascles  * Huey Lewis and Other Hot Impressions and References * Hot Guests...

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 3 - RAWK HAWK! Square Roots - Episode 491 Quest Log: 0:27:30 Level Up: 1:25:30 This week's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by The Glitz Pit, just off I-275 at Hillsborough Avenue. Bring your Switch, play some of Nintendo's beloved Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door along with Jim, Matthew, Vanessa and Johnny, and enjoy the jugs, mugs, suds and sp...

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 2 - Something For Everyone to Get Upset About  - Episode 490 This week we keep on keepin' on with Paper Mario. Did we finish Chapters 2 and 3 like we said we would? No. Will we do two chapters next ep? I don't have a lot of faith that we will, TBH, but we're gonna try.  Also: Madam Flurrie doesn't have nipples Matt to Johnny and Vanessa: UGH.   Punies commi...

Would You Eat This Bird Twenty Twenty Five Square Roots - Thanksgiving Special Quest Log: 0:02:00 Level Up: 1:06:00 We're not doing a real episode this week, we're doing a Thanksgiving Funebration! And going through the hottest birds of 2025, or at least from games we played in 2025. Probably. Johnny did a really great job running this game and there were no errors. Please comment exactly that pre...

Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door Part 1 - Sniff Her Feet Square Roots - Episode 489 Quest Log: 0:31:00 Level Up: 1:43:54 Even with a lack of cheevos we still dive into Nintendo's Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door! We're all playing on Switch, but no matter if you're on that or Gamecube you can certainly play along. Just be prepared for Horny Nintendo. Also: * A Game For Babies With Good Atten...

South of Midnight Part 3: ROUX WAS AHMED BEST?! Square Roots - Episode 488 Quest Log: 0:16:57 Level Up: 1:12:28 Somehow, throughout this series, Jim, Matt and Vanessa never mentioned that the character Roux from Compulsion Games was played by Jar-Jar Binks, everyone's favourite Star Wars character. Or his actor, anyway, Ahmed Best. Also: * Matt and Jim Don't Know Where the Rockstar Headquarters Ar...

South of Midnight Part 2: Edgytainment 6-7 Square Roots - Episode 487 Quest Log: 0:23:15 Level Up: 1:34:15 We've got some exciting South of Midnight for you today! There's all sorts of terrifying stories of cryptids and social injustice! Matt loves Huggin' Molly. Jim's okay with spiders with people faces.  Also: * The Console Widows and rphams * Halo on PlayStation 2 * Edgytainment 6-7 * Crash Tri...

South of Midnight Part 1: The Goose Is Hot Square Roots - Episode 486 Quest Log: 0:20:30 Level Up: 2:15:30 We're taking a lil detour before doing the vote winner, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door. That's right, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew are doing South of Midnight, the 2025 action platformer Xbox Sclusey.  Also: * The New Fourth Host, Dori * Lil Baby Duck Face * That Conflict That Listeners Love...

Final Fantasy V Part 5: Gilgamesh is the best - Episode 485 Matt's writing the notes again this week and he's not good at it! Uh... jokes! Funny things that we say in the ep! Gilgamesh is great, actually Why is the best animation in the game hidden in the credits? We finish Final Fantasy V We announce the next game And more!  This Week: Finish Final Fantasy V! Next Week: The first 7 chapters of So...

Notes! I forgot to write notes! Uh... This week we talk more about Final Fantasy V. Did we finish the game?  No. But we're so close! Also, the vote winner for the next game is announced and then we decide maybe not to play it next. Just listen you'll see what I mean.  This Week: End of Fork Tower Next Week: ACTUALLY finish the game  Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Stev...

It's The Square News Newsbreak! Square Roots - Episode 484 Level Up: 0:33:24 It's a Square News Newsbreak! Check out our hottest news on the EA Acquisition, Game Pass price hikes, and the death of Rock Band 4! This Week: listen to our hot gaming goose! Next Week: uhhhhhhhhhh matt says finish the game but just play around six hours Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven...

Final Fantasy V Part 2: "I've Got the Boom Boom, Pow: Boom Boom in Mario and Representations of Anti-Capitalist Sentiment" Square Roots - Episode 483 Quest Log: 0:24:29 Level Up: 1:39:00 We get to ditch Cid and his subpar grandson and go to an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT planet. What's this planet called? Who knows. What was the other one called? Gaia? I think? Let's just call the new one Planet Galuf, and...

Final Fantasy V Part 2: MID Square Roots - Episode 482 Quest Log: 0:37:15 Level Up: 1:39:00 Oh boy, this time on Final Fantasy V things are getting moving! We fail to save the crystals, some jerk is released, and we take a break to go to the library. IT'S ALL FOR FREE! Also: * HONK  * Reasonable Randy Pitchford Quotes * More like teddy oh yes * ExDeez Nuts * Bananas aren't Banana * Future Matt and...

Final Fantasy V Part 1: It's Not Gooning If You Don't Make The Face Square Roots - Episode 481 Quest Log: 0:10:47 Level Up: 1:57:30 Look, we've got a Final Fantasy game with two cool dragons right upfront. Okay, technically, one is a sea serpent and one is a wyvern, but still. Does FFV blow its cool load early? In this chunker of Square's classic JRPG we explore its new, better translation, try to...

Heavy Rain: Part 4 - Even His Heavy Breathing Is French Square Roots - Episode 480 Quest Log: 0:23:18 Level Up: 2:24:57 We've solved the mystery of Heavy Rain, and for the most part we're pretty annoyed about it. But now's your chance to play through these final chapters of Heavy Rain, maybe trick an old lady into telling you about her sons, burn all the evidence, and check out the wrong address a...

Heavy Rain: Part 3 - Left Trigger Inner Monologue About Ball Crushing Square Roots - Episode 479 Quest Log: 0:19:10 Level Up: 2:11:00 It's Final Fantasy Heavy Rain Time. It's what Strangers in Paradise is like. It's also a prequel to Final Fantasy X. The Origami Killer is secretly Sin. And this time you can seduce Louis CK! And dance sexy for him!  Also: * Sexy Alias Adventures * Not Every Person...

Square Roots - Episode 478 Quest Log: 0:23:30 Level Up: 1:51:00 CONTENT WARNING: Suicide talk from 30:00 to 45:00 Today's episode of Square Roots is brought to you by the latest in Bidet technology, BidAi. And once you feel car-wash clean back there, please enjoy this essential chunker of David Cage's bonkers classic adventure game, Heavy Rain. There's fish throwing! A crucifix guy! Car driving! A...

Heavy Rain: Part 1 - Origammy Square Roots - Episode 477 Quest Log: 0:26:25 Level Up: 2:43:04 Are you ready to be Caged? That's right, it's David Cage time! The notorious director of Quantic Dreams's games! And you all voted for us to play Heavy Rain for some reason when Fable III and Enslaved: Odyssey to the West are right there! But that's okay, we love you just the same. So here's three hours o...

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 3 - Vanessa Learns How To Snap Square Roots - Episode 476 Quest Log: 0:36:15 Level Up: 1:54:16 Holy crow! Vanessa, Jim and Matthew have finished Beyond Good & Evil already! And now you can play through with them through the end of the first and last entry in Ubisoft's series, I think we can all agree that means that the one with the swearing monkeys isn't coming out. Also:...

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 2 - Colin Firth is the Dessert Square Roots - Episode 475 Quest Log: 24:55 Level Up: 01:44:45 On this blockbusting episode of Square Roots, Vanessa, Jim and Matthew interrupt their examination of the premise of Mamma Mia! to discuss the Ubisoft classic action adventure game, Beyond Good & Evil! Also: * Vanessa Isn't Sure How To Pronounce Portcullis, Sue Perkins Is Disappoi...

Square Roots: The Superman Tangent Square Roots - Episode 474 Hot Gaming Goss: 02:45 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 17:28 Non-Spoiler Review: 38:36 The Spoilery Superlog: 48:35 Matt and Jim decide just not to talk about Beyond Good & Evil after Vanessa's mysterious absence, and instead review the new Superman movie! Also: * I heard the new Marvel is crazy! * Our friend Artie's new Forgotten Realms coo...

Beyond Good & Evil: Part 1 - Donkula Square Roots - Episode 473 Quest Log: 29:45 Level Up: 02:13:45 On this incredible first episode of Ubisoft's classic Black & White, Jim, Matt and Vanessa get to play the beloved Jade Empire. Wait. No. Okay it's Beyond Good & Evil, don't trust Matt's lies. Also: * Johnny's on BlueOrigin  * Script treatments * Square roots reacts to pig ranking * P'uncle * Touchi...