Silent Noises

You can call in sick for flu,for migraines,for broken bones. But not for an argument between your coffee and your colon. So you sit,and you sweat,and you bargain with the gods Hours later,friends debate. Whether Claude is a more caring companion, whether ordinary lives, might truely be extraordinary. The body recovers,the conversation does not.

We are three men. We own no barrows. But we are the Barrow Boys. Services include: Moving large volumes of material, slowlyProviding inconsistent motivationOffering unsolicited life advice mid-taskOccasional concrete work (results may vary)Barrow not included. Somewhere between reviewing a year of “self-improvement” and admitting we mostly just noticed our own bullshit more clearly, things unravel...

A man stands in a forest car park,He came here for peace. He brought mindfulness, a towel he forgot, and a brain that will not shut up. The pool is closed. The towel is missing. The togs are imagined, a bird sings. Somewhere a grown man screams into the steering wheel of a station wagon. Ancient philosophers spoke of the cup overflowing. These ones speak of the chest gently folding over itself lik...

Three men plan a bank heist in full drag. One brings hot dogs. One brings yak musk. None bring a plan. Colossal testicles, transgender butter, and a four-day no-wipe streak, a hotel fire alarm goes off. Thirteen floors. Bare feet on Auckland pavement. No hot water. No dignity. A man whittles a stool he may or may not have made. Another meditates mid-defecation. Someone suggests butthole print scan...

Toothbrush slander, cinnamon-on-toast propaganda, and a few catastrophic poo stories quickly unravels into a full buffet of chaos. There’s talk of cringe moments that still haunt us, and a multi-layered debate on fiber intake that would make any dietician resign on the spot. We debut a new segment, The Motion Has Been Passed and pitch a totally unhinged business idea: a late-night food truck calle...

First-root confessions reveal a fishing village fiasco involving a tarp and a tea towel which slowly unravel into something uncomfortably human. It’s the full emotional arc: filth, laughter, and more tangents than anyone asked for. There the usual chat of heavy sets, budding bosoms, sleepless nights, and magnesium, before the conversation turns toward fathers, forgiveness, and the gravity of havin...

A pub table near the toilets. Bad choices are made immediately, and defended passionately. There’s talk of zombies, furries, screen addictions, heavy nuts, gratitude, and fathers who didn’t quite show up. The tone shifts like a drunk jukebox — earnest, dumb, briefly profound, then dumb again. Someone almost redeems themselves with a quote about facing death; someone else ruins it with the phrase “...

Somewhere between karaoke, introspection, and shaving small rodents, the lads accidentally stumble into a metaphor for modern life. From being “guinea pigs” in a punishing workshop to exploring the existential terror of actual guinea pigs, the conversation spirals through vulnerability, karaoke bar rules, and the occasional unsolicited dressing-down. By the time they reach fasting, meditation, and...

It starts as a round of forced compliments quickly spirals into open-eyed kissing techniques, vomit bombs out car windows, and an unnecesary comment regarding a boot and a trunk. We detour through homemade shoehorns, underwear pouches, Donald Ducking, and the mash-up nobody asked for: Meatloaf meets Beethoven, a.k.a. Meathoven . From bodybuilding bronzer mishaps to the fine art of shitting before...

One of us gets absolutely steamrolled by the flu and possibly karma, while the other relives a childhood prank so cowardly it still haunts him. There’s a decent amount of diarrhea talk—don’t worry, it’s metaphorical (mostly)—plus real attempts to make sense of those fragile moments when everything feels pointless, worthless, or just plain gross. We wrestle with identity, resilience, the mental loa...

A conversation that starts with childhood fads—yo-yos, marbles, and tragic haircuts—ends up veering into mortality, medical checkups, and why a finger in the bum has become such a clinical inevitability. Somewhere in the middle, we roast Lord of the Dance, and debate whether cock rings and Irish jigs have more in common than anyone asked for. Art makes a return with watercolor nostalgia and a piec...

Sexual jealousy. Not a topic we set out to cover, but it snuck in anyway—alongside badger metaphors, charcoal nudes, and an alarming number of cello references. What starts as a chat about surprising opinions ends up veering into teenage regrets, parenting stoner kids, and how to navigate aging when your balls start going grey. It’s reflective, chaotic, occasionally uncomfortable—but always curiou...

An aggressively affectionate deep dive into male grooming, unexpected intimacy, and the fine line between a compliment and a condiment. We kick off with a mild crisis of confidence about party tricks and walk ourself gently into a conversation about praise, validation, and whether we’re all just dying for someone to tell us we’ve done a good job while we’re holding a spatula. https://medium.com/@n...

A gentle ramble through values, wealth, and the occasional Nut Catastrophe™. This crapshow opens with existential flatness and ends somewhere between humility poems, accordion circles, and pondering the fine line between instilling values and just being a preachy dick. There’s parenting philosophy, reflections on childhood wealth (or the lack thereof), and a brief but heartfelt ode to solo parents...

Two men walk into a podcast and stumble backwards into racism, sausage addiction, sensual dancing, childhood trauma, and the crushing weight of unspoken disappointment. A slow spiral from philosophical icebreakers to regrettable tattoo comments, with a few sweaty detours through Latin dance class and the murky semantics of the word “sensual.” Along the way, you'll meet The Sausage Men of Bethl...

Some conversations slide sideways before they even stand up straight. This one starts in the gentlest of places—nostalgia, grammar, bladder control—and ends up somewhere between adolescence, urinal etiquette, and a deeply regrettable wool garment from the Edwardian era. There are poems, of course, and bold new theories about whether your mate's general horniness is a personality trait or a vitamin...

Sometimes you record an episode that feels like a therapy session wearing a silly hat. This one opens with a polite warm-up—icebreakers, flamingo milk, and a smell in the gym that may or may not be the scent of regret. It slowly unspools into a more honest reckoning with childhood friendships, romantic connection, and whether the phrase “pissy pants” can ever be morally justified. It’s earnest, it...

⁠⁠https://medium.com/@nickbeefman⁠⁠ Recorded in the corner of a busy pub over a few jars, this episode welcomes our first ever guest—who also happens to be a half-brother of one of our Heros. What follows is a slow spiral of genuine connection, mild sabotage, and unsolicited moustache compliments. Somewhere between defending a love of oat milk and rewriting the definition of “a cool gay man,” we s...

⁠⁠https://medium.com/@nickbeefman⁠⁠ Two men, one journal, and a tangle of internal dialogues—some of them Irish. Mike admits he’s been stuck in the monotonous grind of habit stacking without a goal in sight, while Nick casually suggests electrotherapy to the japs eye as a viable solution. It's all very supportive. Somewhere between wrestling with inner demons and debating what constitutes regu...

⁠⁠https://medium.com/@nickbeefman⁠⁠ This episode is a slow spiral into the soft underbelly of habit fatigue, emotional constipation, and journaling as a gateway drug to unsolicited introspection. Mike confesses to feeling like a spreadsheet with legs, while Nick doubles down on dredging up teenage trauma with a $4 Kmart notebook and a ballpoint pen. There’s poetry, poop anxiety, hockey tantrums, a...

⁠⁠https://medium.com/@nickbeefman⁠⁠ In this episode, the lads spiral from self-help to self-roast. One reflects on a hotel room victory—stretching, meditating, running, even reading —while the other shares his lifelong war with gym nemeses who don’t wipe down equipment or do proper reps. From CrossFit rants and competitive fragility to philosophical musings on preparation and procrastination, it’s...

Milking Hours, Sauna Rage & Redundant Undies ⁠⁠https://medium.com/@nickbeefman⁠⁠ This week, we dive deep into the sticky, squishy middle of self-improvement—where dopamine hits and dirty laundry collide. Your favorite duo unpacks what it actually takes to build better habits for 2025, from quitting the inbox-induced work wank cycle to waking up at 4:30am in a house full of tiny human alarm clo...

⁠https://medium.com/@nickbeefman⁠ Two guys embark on a noble, beer-fueled quest to make 2025 suck less than 2024. In this episode, they lay out their daily, weekly, and fortnightly habits—cutting out takeaways (except for Fridays), exercising through the pain, stretching in eerie silence, and battling the siren song of doomscrolling. Along the way, they uncover the tragic betrayal of bathroom scal...