Sex in Real Life with Stacey Herrera

Touch speaks its own language. A hand on your belly. Fingers along your jaw. A palm at the center of your back. And the body feels every word. In this episode, Stacey sits with what touch feels like. When it feels like home or an invitation… and when it doesn't. A reflection on love, desire, and the times when your skin doesn't quite feel like your own.     🗳️ Share top suggestions for the show: h...

Bedrooms don't magically transform into dens of desire after dark. Especially after a full day juggling life sh*t. That's not how desire works—at any age, but especially in relationships beyond 40. In this episode, Stacey explores how the predictability we build to feel safe can drain the tension desire depends on. And how, after years of building a life together, it's easy to stop seeing one anot...

The desire to let go and be uninhibited during sex is pretty common. Yet most of us struggle with it, especially in marriage and LTRs. After 40, we assume the self-consciousness is about appearance. Bellies, butts, and love handles. But what if it's deeper than that? In this episode, Stacey explores how the identities we've spent years building might keep us guarded in bed.   Resources mentioned:...

It's easier to believe the thrill vanished into thin air than to admit you left the room. Staying in the room when you've been with someone for years is a tall order, especially in the age of endless attention grabs. In this episode, Stacey gets into how presence, not chemistry, might be what's actually missing.   Resources mentioned: Esther Perel - Relationship therapist Perel suggests, in many l...

When they ask, "Are you tired?" You know what comes next. After you've been together for a long while, it's easy to predict the predictable. Which is the opposite of sexy. In this episode, Stacey gets into why using your words makes sex exponentially better in long-term relationships. Before, during, and after.       🗳️ Share top suggestions for the show: https://bit.ly/sexirlpod-suggestion-box 💌...

There used to be these gaps of nothing. Waiting for a table. Standing in line. The 20 minutes or so before the thing started. And in those gaps, almost without thinking, we reached for one another. Now those moments are fewer. In this episode, Stacey explores how screens are changing the way we touch each other. And what we're losing in the spaces we used to fill with each other.   Suggested Readi...

There are things that our partner says or does that grate on our very last nerve. But sometimes, as annoyed as we may be, we find desire bubbling to the surface. In this episode, Stacey gets into the alchemy of irritation and desire, and why the thing that drives you absolutely batshit crazy might also stir your loins.   Suggested Reading: Arousal transfer (a.k.a. Excitation transfer): https://onl...

Long-term relationships have a way of settling into routine. Same person, same bed, same sex, possibly on the same night of the week. In this episode, Stacey gets into why the sexual do-over is a myth. And how you could be overlooking the eroticism in the sex you're already having.  Resources mentioned: Mono no aware - Japanese concept  Translation: "the pathos of things" In other words… the bitte...

Sometimes old relationships linger in our nervous system. We brace for disappointment, questioning generosity, or waiting for new love to come with a list of conditions. In this episode, Stacey explores how past relationships shape the way we receive love in the present. And the shadows they cast long after they're over.     🗳️ Suggest a topic for the show: https://bit.ly/sexirlpod-suggestion-box...

Sometimes exes come back into your life because they missed you. But there are times when they return because their life unraveled without the structure you provided..   In this episode, Stacey explores the difference between reconciliation and retreat. Between love and survival instinct. Knowing the difference can change everything.       🗳️ Suggest a topic for the show: https://bit.ly/sexirlpod-...

Most of us really believe we want honesty. But do we want the truth? Or do we just want to be agreed with? In this episode, Stacey digs into the difference between honesty and the curated version many of us seek. And why it's essential to recognize the difference.     🗳️ Suggest a topic for the show: https://bit.ly/sexirlpod-suggestion-box 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.sexinrea...

What happens when a married man logs onto a dating app looking for sex, only to discover he's in search of something else? In this episode, Stacey recounts a six-hour phone call with a stranger that unexpectedly delves into the nuance of intimacy. Sometimes what we think we want hides what we really need.     🗳️ Suggest a topic for the show: https://bit.ly/sexirlpod-suggestion-box 💌 Subscribe to...

What if the sex you used to have wasn't better? Maybe it was just newer. In this episode, Stacey explores why so many people measure their current sex life against a memory. And why memories are often more myth than reality. Nostalgia has a way of retaining the heat. It chucks everything else.     🗳️ Suggest a topic for the show: https://bit.ly/sexirlpod-suggestion-box 💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL...

Sometimes sexual frustration has nothing to do with sex. It's not about frequency, chemistry, or who's initiating. In this episode, Stacey explores how emotional disconnection shapes desire. And why relationships that look fine on the surface can still feel deeply unfulfilling. This isn't about technique. It's about asking an uncomfortable question. Are you actually sexually frustrated… or emotion...

Sometimes people cheat because they feel invisible to the person they're already with. It's not always about wanting someone new. In this episode, Stacey gets into why some affairs stem from a lack of fulfillment rather than lust. Drawing on her history as both the cheater and the cheated on, she breaks down the loneliness that thrives inside relationships that look completely fine on the surface....

When people say they want to know you, they often mean they want to know the version of you that they are most comfortable with. In this episode, Stacey explores the gap between authenticity and comfort. What we reveal, what we hold back, and why intimacy often requires more friction than we're willing to tolerate. Because somewhere along the way, we learned that showing up fully was a risk not wo...

There's an unspoken rule in most relationships. Romance goes to the top of the pile. Everything else gets what's left over.  In this episode, Stacey questions that.   What happens when one relationship has to be all the things? Should your romantic partner shoulder your needs, fears, desires, and dreams? And what does that do to your sex life?     Mentioned in this episode: Jerry Maguire (1996), d...

My father used to say, "Two broke people can't be happy." At 17, I thought that was the most unromantic thing I'd ever heard. Now I get it. Financial stress doesn't just affect your bank account. It might be the third wheel sabotaging your sex life. This episode explores the connection between financial stress, survival mode, and sexual desire.       Mentioned in this episode: https://ubiehealth.c...

Are you avoiding conversations about sex with your partner? You're not alone. Research shows people avoid talking about sex with their partners, even in long-term relationships. In this episode, Stacey gets into the habit of tolerating what doesn't work in bed, why we stay silent, and how that silence hollows out desire.  If you've ever waited for a moment to say something and let it pass, this on...

When you're the one who wants less sex, the conversation is almost never about you. It usually centers on the person who's not getting laid. Let's flip that. In this episode, Stacey gets into the weight of being the low libido partner, and everything that comes with that. Guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. Pressure. If you're the one not saying yes, this episode is about you. Finally.     💌 Subscribe t...

You love each other. You're both committed. But you're not having sex. Sexlessness in otherwise loving relationships is more common than you think. And it rarely comes down to one thing. In this episode, Stacey breaks down the most common reasons loving couples stop having sex. And why it's not always the end of the world or the relationship.     💌 Subscribe to the Sex IRL Substack: https://www.s...

Why does sex become such a charged topic in long-term relationships?  Most of the time, you're not really fighting about frequency, desire, or who initiates. You're fighting about unmet emotional needs. Connection. Validation. Autonomy. Safety. Feeling wanted. When those needs aren't being met, sex becomes the battleground. And the conflict doesn't stay in the bedroom. In this episode, Stacey gets...

This week's episode is for people in long-term relationships who feel like they've lost that loving feeling. Whether you're married, partnered, cohabitating, living apart, long-distance, or right around the corner. That zing that you felt at the beginning feels nonexistent. Why? Because biology is like that. And people change. Who you were at 30 isn't who you are beyond 45. Priorities and values s...

This week, we're talking about being better partners when your person doesn't have the bandwidth for sex. What it looks like to hold space without expectations. What it's not. How non-sexual touch builds intimacy and trust. And why both people get to have feelings—disappointment and exhaustion are both valid. When you can say no without being punished, you get to say yes from a place of authentici...

Autopilot is not a good thing in relationships. But that doesn't mean that monotony is the enemy. When you're on the routine hamster wheel of same place, same thing, it's hard to tell if you're bored with your partner or the script. But here's the thing, your brain loves automation. Efficiency makes its job easier. Trouble is, desire needs novelty to tap into aliveness. When sex becomes routine, y...