School of Schlock

This week we have an Itlian war drama that's low on both the war and the drama, but that's absolutely packed with Nicolas Cage! What haunts an Italian soldier as he makes his way through the Ethiopian wilderness? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about diseases, consequences, and exactly how to act like Nicolas Cage. It's our review of the 1989 film Time to Kill! Time stamps: 0:03:15 - Background 0:2...

Just how cool would a "cool dog" be? Would a cool dog be able to drive a car? Would a cool dog be able to save multiple people from death? Would a cool dog play the banjo? Join Tom and Ryan as they seek to answer these questions and discuss other relevant topics like the art of clowning, a reverse John Wick, and what crimes shouldn't be part of your exotic pet smuggling ring. Sit, and stay, for ou...

The Holy See is all over the news, so let's take a look at a movie from the 70s featuring the pope! This film dares to ask the question: woman pope good? Or woman pope bad? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about stoicism, sexuality, and angry mobs. It's our review of Pope Joan! Time stamps: 0:03:55 - Background 0:22:05 - Summary 0:39:35 - Notable Scenes 0:45:40 - The Good 0:53:25 - The Bad 1:09:25 -...

We've got another all-timer of a B-movie that was featured in an episode of MST3K! This time, a runaway human flees cyborg and dinosaurs sent through time to track him down! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about cheap sets, whirring motors, and what it means to lack opposable thumbs. It's our review of Future War! Time stamps: 0:02:55 - Background 0:20:00 - Summary 0:29:45 - Notable Scenes 0:33:50...

George A. Romero is an icon of modern horror for his Dead series of films. But hackneyed remakes of those films...might be a little less iconic. Join Tom and Ryan as they talk screamers, immoral scientists, and vegetarian zombies. It's our review of the 2008 version of Day of the Dead! Time stamps: 0:02:50 - Background 0:25:00 - Summary 0:38:10 - Notable Scenes 0:45:30 - The Good 0:53:20 - The Bad...

Start your engines for a Roger Corman cult classic! Who will win a futuristic and deadly cross-country race set in a dystopian America in the year 2000? And why is one driver named Frankenstein? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk satire, budget restrictions, and soulless remakes; it's our review of Death Race 2000! Time stamps: 0:02:30 - Background 0:34:50 - Summary 0:47:45 - Notable Scenes 0:53:20 -...

What happens when a Hercules-lite ends up in the land of the Amazons? A bottomless well of blatantly sexist comedy! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss Rube Golderberg machines, annoying parrots, and meandering plotlines in this sword-and-sandals stinker. It's our review of Colossus and the Amazon Queen! Time stamps: 0:04:05 - Background 0:22:40 - Summary 0:36:05 - Notable Scenes 0:40:35 - The Good...

We're adding to our "decapitated head kept alive" repertoire with a film that dares to ask the question: what if Hitler hadn't died? What an original thought! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss added footage, melodramatic dictator faces, and brutal efficienct with grenades. It's our review of They Saved Hitler's Brain! Time stamps: 0:04:20 - Background 0:17:00 - Summary 0:31:20 - Notable Scenes 0:3...

What happens when you take two Hong Kong martial arts movies and smash them together? And what happens if you don't smash them together particularly well? You end up with this week's movie! Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss English-on-English dubs, revenge quests, and hats that say "Ninja." It's our review of Full Metal Ninja! Time stamps: 0:03:40 - Background 0:12:20 - Summary 0:20:45 - Notable S...

We've reviewed trucker movies. We've reviewed space movies. So it's high time we finally review space trucking movies! What happens when Dennis Hopper has to deliver some suspect cargo to Earth? And why is Charles Dance talking about his wang? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss killer robots, toilet robots, and half-man half-robots. It's our review of Space Truckers! Time stamps: 0:02:55 - Backgrou...

Roleplaying games, and Dungeons & Dragons especially, are so hot right now. Heck, they even made a movie! No, not THAT one; the one from 2000 with Jeremy Irons and CGI that was already ten years out of date when it was made. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss boob armor, Spirit Halloween props, and overacting vs underacting. It's our review of 2000's own Dungeons and Dragons! Time stamps: 0:03:10 -...

2024 was yet another year of highs and lows on the never-ending rollercoaster of life. But were our podcast-reviewed films all lows? Which characters made our stomachs drop? Which movie moment felt like a rush, and which felt like we were slowly approaching our doom? And will a Christmas movie finally contend for our coveted awards? Find out in the 2024 Schlocky Awards! Time Stamps: 0:07:55 - Expl...

When the holidays arrive, we all get in the mood to revisit the classics. So who wouldn't want to watch an adaptation of The Nutcracker? Well, what if this Nutcracker had an army of rats that bore a startling resemblance to the Third Reich? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss Nazi aethetics, cheerless moviemaking, and dolls making creepy advances. It's our review of The Nutcracker in 3-D! Time Stamp...

Pin-up lovers rejoice! We're watching an 80's comedy adaptation of a 40's British comic strip with all the subtelty of a tear-away dress. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss British colonial Africa, repeated sight-gags, and why comedy is almost never "so bad it's good." It's our review of Jane and the Lost City! Time Stamps: 0:02:50 - Background 0:16:55 - Summary 0:26:15 - Notable Scenes 0:33:40 - T...

We've got a mummy! We've got a curse! Yes, it's time for a classic piece of 50s adventure with tomb-raiding adventurers and deadly consequences. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss cat gods, British occupation, and mummy rock traps! It's our review of The Pharaoh's Curse! Time Stamps: 0:02:45 - Background 0:22:00 - Summary 0:34:10 - Notable Scenes 0:39:40 - The Good 0:46:05 - The Bad 0:56:40 - The U...

It's our 200th episode! To celebrate the bicentennial, we're watching an iconic piece of 90s schlock and seeing if it's really as bad as people claim. Join Tom, Ryan, and special guest Duncan as they discuss R-rated vs PG-rated movies, cocaine-fueled acting, and, of course, the Pax Bisonica. Put down your fight sticks and listen in for our review of Street Fighter! Time Stamps: 0:04:10 - Backgroun...

Spooky season rolls on, so now we're taking a dive into an 80s creature feature/slasher film. Los Angeles residents are terrorized by a string of murders, but can an obnoxious former detective figure out what's causing them? Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss making characters quirky, repainted apartments, and unpronouncable monster names." It's our review of the 1980's Scared to Death! Time Stamps...

October is here, so it's time for some Boris Karlov! This time we have a film that's part comedy, part horror, and entirely in color. But will we find out how a young woman meets her demise by the end of this film?  Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss rapid-fire pacing, dummy heads, and "dizzy dames." It's our review of the 1946's Scared to Death! Time Stamps: 0:03:25 - Background 0:19:10 - Summary...

Hot Girl Summer is over and we've fully transitioned into Crime Girl Fall! We have a film showing young ladies falling to the dark side due to drugs. But will this exploitation flick end badly for the bad ladies involved?  Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss silent starts, 10 minute piano solos, and teaching others the correct way to do heroin. It's our review of the sleazy and salacious Girl Gang!...

Spider-Man has to stop a plot to commit both murder and international industrial espionage! Yes, really! And he even has to travel to Hong Kong to do it! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about spidey senses, ill-fitting supersuits, and why this film's title feels incredibly deceptive. Swing on in for our review of Spider-Man: The Dragon's Challenge!   Time Stamps: 0:03:05 - Background 0:24:30 - Summ...

NEW EP! Can some parachuting jet pilots rescue a scientist trapped behind enemy lines? Will the Russian double-agent be a help or a hindrance? Will we fall asleep watching this movie? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about all of this, as well as double features, recognizable actors, and how not to plan an infiltration of the enemy. It's our review of Jet Attack!   Time Stamps: 0:04:10 - Background...

A teenage boy must go back to the scene where his parents died to face his fears: specifically, his fear of giant, hungry lizards. Join Tom and Ryan as they discuss endangered species, sudden survivalism, and the mistreatment of psychiatry. It's our review of the 90's horror creature feature Komodo! Time stamps: 0:02:30 - Background 0:20:15 - Summary 0:28:45 - Notable Scenes 0:35:05 - The Good 0:3...

There's a mad doctor on the loose, and only two brave luchadoras (and some bumbling detectives) can bring him to justice! Join Tom and Ryan as they watch this early 60's Mexican adventure and discuss such pertinent topics as the positives and negative of predictability, how to save yourself from a spiked wall, and comparisons between the MCU and luchadore movies! Relax and enjoy our review of The...

Wesley Snipes stars as a CIA assassin in an action movie that puts us to sleep, then wakes us up with jarring editing and sound effects! Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about action movie tropes, Bourne vs Shooter, and an over-armed British police force. It's our review of The Contractor!   Time stamps: 0:03:20 - Background 0:24:15 - Summary 0:37:40 - Notable Scenes 0:44:05 - The Good 0:47:40 - The...

A runaway rocket is circling the Earth, destroying everything in its path! Can a brilliant nuclear physicist figure out a solution AND get married before it's too late? Join Tom and Ryan as they talk about women scientists, alien visitors, and the complete annihilation of Canada. It's our review of The Lost Missile! Time stamps: 0:03:20 - Background 0:19:20 - Summary 0:31:10 - Notable Scenes 0:40:...