Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

The weather in — yeah, no — Portugal has been so good that Sorcha has been suffering the big-time guilts over the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday everything changed when a severe depression suddenly blew in from the west — in other words, her old pair came to visit. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in twice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A well-appointed property,” Sorcha goes, reading from the bumf, “set in the hort of one of South Dublin’s most sagacious suburbs. Oh my God, I love that word. It sounds amazing, doesn’t it, Ross? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in the gym in Riverview, trying to get myself beach body-ready for Quints in the middle of August. Today is orms day and I’m sitting on a Swiss ball in front of a long mirror, with a 6kg dumbbell in either hand, thinking how fantastic I look for a man of, like, 42, with abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation. “The fock are we even doing here?” I go. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ireland are playing the All Blacks but Sorcha has planned a family weekend to Center Parcs. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s here — as in, like, the big day? Honor has reached the final of the Joshua Pim Shield and it’s the most excitement Glenageary has seen since Google accidentally called it Glasthule in the course of mapping the area and 14 per cent was wiped off local property values overnight. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos with the loose elastic in which I do all of my best thinking. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.” I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face with the griddle pan.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.” And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes.   Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that escapes the attention of the local residents’ association, especially with their hourly drone flyovers looking for evidence of illegal building activity in the area. Hosted on A...

So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the excitement is already storting to build? https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?” And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in UCD with her brother, Conor. We did the old Sportsman Dip course together – although the only sport we actually played, if I’m being honest, was pool while pissed. Host...

“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone rings and it ends up being dick features himself. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

According to my latest antigen test, I’m still positive, but – the most random thing – I’ve never felt better in my life, either physically or whatever other ways there are. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

"I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve been dreading this week since Christmas. And not dreading it in the same way that you dread, I don’t know, root canal surgery, or an NCT. I mean dreading it like you dread your own death, if that’s not putting it too strongly?" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Christian’s wife, Lauren, has never been a fan of the Rossmeister General. I don’t mind. I think it was me who first said I’d rather be someone’s shot of tequila than everyone’s cup of tea... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Most of them are empty and there’s, like, a homelessness crisis? I’m going to put six rooms’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Charles O’Carroll-Kelly goes on Drivetime to talk about Castlerock College going co-ed Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How can Ross convince the goys that Castlerock should never let in girls? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Fionn’s changed since he landed the top job at our old alma mater Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s goys from Michael’s, Belvedere, Gonzaga and Blackrock all mixing with each other like there’s no actual difference between them Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A tap on the shoulder while getting in a quick pint at the bor in Dublin Airport Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.