Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Fifty grandingtons. That’s what this crowd in, like, Budapest want to share the secret of Dr Holger Esterházy’s hair restoration miracle with me. I tell Winker Raymond – who did the Sportsman Dip course with me in UCD – that it seems a bit on the, I don’t know, steep side? But he reminds me that a year ago he had a head like a plucked scrotum and his confidence was on the floor – and now he’s dati...

Sorcha is quiet this morning. I honestly haven’t seen her this distracted since she got a girl sacked for plucking her eyebrows in a way that made her face look – her word – quizzical? And she keeps asking the same question that she asked that day: “Am I, like, a bad person?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha calls the Emergency General Meeting of the Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association to order. “I realise that there’s a great deal of concern in this room,” she goes – this room being our living room, by the way? – “but it would be helpful to me, as the chair, if we could hear from just one person at a time?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s the night before Sixmas and I’m sitting in The Bridge 1859, sharing with the goys the gift of my pre-tournament analysis. I’m telling them that I think Ireland are now the best passers of the ball in world rugby – and I’m including the All Blacks in that – but the most random thing is happening as in, they’re not hanging off my every word like they usually are? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/...

Ronan’s there, ‘I sted at the roulette table too long – stordee of me life’ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Chorles may miss his first Six Nations championship match in almost seventy years Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“God, I’m bored,” I go. “How far into this whole self-isolation thing are we now?” Sorcha’s there, “We’re halfway-” I’m like, “Halfway?” She goes, “-halfway through day two.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha says we dodged it. And I’m like, “What are you banging on about?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“I think I’ve finally figured it out,” I go – and, yeah, no, I’m talking about the latest restrictions. “If I set the alorm for, like, 2am and give the kids their breakfast, that’ll mean we can move lunchtime back to, say, 8am, which will mean that I’ll have my stomach properly lined when I stort drinking at 10am." Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ross makes Sorcha a doubly special Christmas gift. Thanks to everyone who listened to the podcast in 2021. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

There’s no doubt that Honor takes after her old man in terms of never being afraid to call it. “Why is Dad allowed to get shitfaced with his friends,” she goes, “and my brothers aren’t allowed to put on the story of the birth of Jesus?” I’m like, “Er, I thought you were, like, an atheist?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “we are so on top of Christmas this year!” I’m there, “In terms of?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha has pushed the boat out in a major way here. She’s having – get this – a Christmas mother and daughter day with her old dear and Honor and she’s gone about it in her usual try-too-hord way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

“Boys and girl,” the air hostess goes, “we have arrived in Rovaniemi, Lapland – home of Santa Claus!” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha ends up saying the most unbelievable thing when the boys ask if Santa is real Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a big day for  Johnny Sexton . And it’s a big day for me as well. I’m – yeah know – bringing the boys to see the great man win his 100th cap against  Japan  at the Aviva, and I decide to swing into Christian’s gaff on the way there just to use the old  Josh Ritter . Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

An encounter at rugby training sees Ross making an unexpected connection. From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, as read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The famous Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara says he hasn’t been this excited about a business idea since we built all those houses on a floodplain in west Dublin in the 1970s... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Blinky the borbor in Monkstown suggests a Jude Law or a Matt Damon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The latest dispatch from Ross O'Carroll Kelly, as read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'Since they storted school at Willow Pork, it’s been rugby, rugby, rugby, with no mention of soccer' From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard. irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hennessy pulls out the big guns to help settle a case of caravan arson From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard. irishtimes.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Mad as it sounds, sometimes it’s easier to tell the girl the truth. I’m like, ‘Honor burned down the caravan, Sorcha’ From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sorcha samples kalettes and deactivated pecans as Ross gets accused of arson Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The cor pork is full of BMW X5s, or, for older moms putting the last of the dynasty through the school, Volvo XC90s. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.