Romancing Nancy Drew

Nancy, who needs enrichment in her habitat, is persuaded (ridiculously easily) to follow up on the faintest clue in the three year old disappearance of a hot rock star (John Stamos). Bess persuades veejay Luke from General Hospital to sponsor Nancy’s improv murder-mystery destination vacation at his MTV-lite station. L Ron also appears as the channel president with mutton chop sideburns, and Tawny...

Nancy, who REFUSES to acknowledge that people die when she gets involved in politics, is helping sudden political enthusiast George volunteer for a local politician’s re-election campaign when she overhears a conspiracy to commit murder. They arrive too late to stop it, and the sole clue leads them to a construction site. Nancy ends up helping an immigrant who forged his identity find out who’s bl...

Ned takes Nancy on a road trip to an exclusive private college to meet his hot, wealthy childhood bestie (Chris Evans), but he’s injured before they see him. Nancy has to discover who would hurt Captain America, why Bryce Dallas Howard is apparently plotting her murder, and how to bang Ned on every available surface (probably?). So many computers! So little time! (Misogyny was the villain all alon...

A friend of a friend slides into Nancy’s DMs hoping Nancy can track down whoever is sending creepy notes indicating a yacht death 5 years ago wasn’t an accident. Nancy heads out to paradise to get threatened with a spear gun like at least five times, judo chop a beret-wearing hothead, and literally choke out Jared Leto. She also makes brief but meaningful besties with a great white shark. Strap in...

Colonialism ahoy! But first, Ned-napping! Nancy and her entourage are planning to join an Emerson trip to East Africa (I KNOW) when Ned goes missing. He’s recovered in time for the trip, and Nancy has two mysteries to solve: why someone is claiming an artificially created sapphire with a spider embedded inside was STOLEN from a guy who had a naturally-occurring one, AND the ultimate fate of a miss...

Note: this book contains neither crosswords nor ciphers in the traditional sense! The Notorious NBG head to Peru to help their temporary bud Carla, who is taking a secretarial course despite being ridiculously wealthy. She has a 300-ish year old family heirloom that only a white teen lady detective can decode! Ned cameos as her concerned beau who takes her on a romantic trip to the hotel airport....

Nancy heads to France to kick butt and help solve a friend (Keira Knightley)’s PTSD! She’s just a giving person that way. This is a real weird one, where we find out that Bess and George totally stan Joan of Arc, and John Slattery plays the client in the Perry Mason sub-mystery, The Case of the Frightened Financier.

It’s 1965 and we’re getting all colonial! Nancy and the girls head to Emerson for June Week slash orgy time and end up staying with queer elder Uncle John, whose house is being haunted by a particularly greedy phantom. Nancy is menaced by a dude who is one traffic stop away from going full serial killer. There’s a memorable sequence involving crew racing (or crew racing as a metaphor!) and Nancy a...

In which Nancy is pursued by Sea Org members to Scotland, where she finds their sheep graveyard. (This is not a happy sheep story.) Carson is tapped to handle turning an estate over to the National Trust, because it belongs to Nancy’s maternal great-grandmother, and a family heirloom she was to inherit has disappeared. Also, a bunch of sheep. Ned, fresh back from government shenanigans in Central...

In SuperMystery 11, Nancy and Bess head to Canada right after Christmas to investigate sabotage on the set of a very dumb Lifetime movie being worked on by Bess’s cousin. Frank and Joe are hanging out with a bigwig in the ice car racing (???) community. It’s like someone took a Lifetime Christmas movie, Talladega Nights, and a CW show and threw them in a blender. Ned gets a mention but at least th...

Ned is absolutely AWOL for this one, the story of a ballet school owner beset by annoyance and frustration while trying to put together the yearly Nutcracker performance. Nancy joins the fracas as propmistress slash sassmistress to help figure out who seems to be sabotaging the show. I blame L. Ron for all this.

In Digest 175, Nancy, Bess, George, and Ned (Chad Michael Murray) investigate the disappearance of some wolves from a nearby wolf preserve, and strange events at the Hallmark Cinematic Universe Ice Festival, brought to you by Local Ski Shop. As you know, werewolves are not canon, so some poor furry just trying to get by has to be involved. At several points Nancy could have hit up the Sweat Lodge...

This club (literally) has it all (Christmas)! Nancy and Bess are in NYC to help the Hardys (played by whichever male lead from Friends you hate most, and Justin Timberlake) catch a pair of cat burglars. Bess meets the man of her dreams (played by any member of New Kids On the Block) and all of them are soon clubbing and ice skating and getting kidnapped and stealing forklifts. It’s a lot. Happy ho...

A LEGIT BANGER. Nancy and Bess head to Chicago to find out who is threatening hot teen-fashion designer Kim Daley (Fairuza Balk). Everyone hates her, so the suspect list is long—and then Nancy discovers she has been poisoned and has 72 hours from the exposure to live. She calls in Ned and they go full Jack Bauer on everything, because they have some hot celebratory banging to do. Keanu Reeves and...

In which Nancy receives an emergency call to Washington to save Senator Kirkpatrick (Sigourney Weaver) from the repercussions of Files 7. The senator isn’t being blackmailed; she’s being threatened with exposure over one slightly sketch decision she made to help Teresa the tennis star, and TMZ has receipts. If Nancy can’t block the story, the senator’s career and Teresa’s life might be over. Nancy...

In which Carson falls for a sexy older* lady! (*Older than Nancy, which is a relief!) Nancy and Carson are taking a cruise to Rio for Carnival and to catch up with one of Carson’s old friends when they run into the widow in question (Isabella Rossellini, an absolute smoke show). Nancy is enduring the thoroughly unwelcome attentions of the assistant cruise director slash part time exotic dancer and...

The superlative no one wants!!! The Notorious NBG plus Ned is invited to a high school reunion hosted by the head cheerleader, which kicks off a string of robberies/mean-spirited pranks. Nancy investigates and nearly gets infected with typhus. She’s Final Girl-ing it!!! I love to see it!

In which Nancy helps Richard Branson get out of an Ocean’s Eleven setup. A handsome movie-studio heir was storing a Napoleon miniature in Branson’s hotel vault when it went up in flames! Nancy has to find the perp and avoid bad hotel publicity. With cameos from a college professor cat lady who lives on a houseboat and a rugged lumberjack with the improbable name Chad, to a legit sheik (not Duncan!...

In which Nancy falls into an absolute hot mess involving Steve Buscemi, John Slattery, and Bea Arthur. 15 years ago, a toddler vanished when her grandmother died; the other set of grandparents is back from a busy schedule of savin’ foreign souls and bein’ captives. Nancy and her friends explore a decrepit castle and survive a boat crash, and elude several iterations of Steve Buscemi (and enemy of...

In which Nancy stumbles onto the creepiest Real Doll sitch possible. Carson’s client, an actor who is directing plays for River Heights’s amateur acting troupe, has been seeing a dancing puppet near their venue. Nancy weathers several concussions to power through and play Scarlett O’Hara in their current production while investigating the creepy puppetry. Ned makes the most of his tiny cameo and i...

In which, well, there’s some yellowface. The Notorious NBG head to NYC, where Nancy is actually the Commissioner of All Police, to investigate the disappearance of a young Chinese exchange student. George poses as said student and it’s real cringe. Nancy gets murdered via flowerpot and walks it off, heads off an airplane bombing, and meets up with Ned in Hong Kong, where HE is an exchange student!...

In which Nancy single-handedly funds a school! An old lady asks Nancy’s help in finding a treasure hidden by her great-uncle 100 years earlier, which could be sold to finance said school to benefit the town. Nancy tangles with a local xenophobe and a pair of con artists, and dates a guy who is possibly Ned wearing a mustache, if my theory is correct. Also, old-timey photos may or may not have been...

In which Nancy’s entire extended entourage visits the newest addition to the United States, Hawaii! Skin diving! Luaus! Volcanoes! Dumbest gang names ever! This club has it all!!!

In which Nancy boards the Freewinds and sets sail for danger! Frank and Joe are undercover and Nancy overhears two people plotting to sell CIA secrets. Nancy finds a scorpion in her bed (which is not a euphemism for Frank)! A vampire mask is worn! Horrible decisions all around!

In which Nancy solves TWO murders after seeing the corpses! Nancy meets a rich widow and her entourage, who are staying next door at the Plaza Hotel, and the widow, who feels she’s in danger, dies in Nancy’s arms. It’s pretty bad. The house detective immediately suspects her, and Nancy has to clear her name, even though she basically treats the detective like a pesky gnat, which is hilarious. Nanc...