Roman Emperors: Totalus Rankium

From farm hand to right hand man to the emperor to the emperor himself. Daia'a story should be a grand one of rags to riches. We suppose it is, but Jack never started persecuting entire religions after buying his magic beans (just one giant) - that kind of puts a dampener on the feel-good story. But maybe Daia has merely fallen foul of bias sources? maybe those IKEA-style torture instructions are...

This week the son of mighty Maximian is under the microscope. Does Maxentius live up to his father? or even go beyond? He is not invited to the Tetrachic Party and he is not happy. Find out how the simple garden pea can masterfully be deployed as a metaphor for the pursuit for power.   Also: We say goodbye to the Praetorian Guard, so we look back and decide on the best Praetorian Prefect.

Severus II. If you liked Severus, that will probably have no bearing on your opinion of Severus II. He was given the chance to rule by the current emperor; all he had to do was defeated the last emperor using the last emperors army against him… hmmm. anyone spot the flaw? Also: this week we look into the Edict of Maximum Prices! can Rob convince Jamie that this is interesting? find out! 

The 4th of the original Tetrarchs and perhaps the most controversial. Was he a genocidal maniac, hellbent on eradicating monotheism? Or did he simple want to teach the christians some discipline? Galerius himself has questions: Was his father a snake? What do the Arminians keep under their armour? Where is Valerian nowadays? And why do the Christians not want to stop being Christian? After all, he...

"Well done Constantius! You are Caesar! You now rule all the land from here to... well, you see that island over there? Yes? The one held by the enemy, that's the one, yes, well, that's now yours! well done! Off you go to rule..." See how Constantius tackles the might of the roaring English Channel and the screaming Frankish pirates. Can he defeat the first British Empire? Find out in this week's...

Diocletian, Diocletian, Diocletian... That's all anyone wants to talk about. But his colleague Maximian has a lot to offer! Or at least he thinks he does. He is one of Rome's longest rulers, so what did he actually do? Find out: How he lost a Provence with a badly worded note! how he attempted to invade using wardrobes! How he spent his peaceful retirement! And much much more!

"Crisis? What Crisis?" these words may have brought down a labour govenment in the 1970s*, but when Diocletian uttered them in in the 280s everyone saw it as a challenge chaos that had prevaled for the last 50 years. Let's face it, it's time someone rolled up their sleves and sorted this mess out... *apologies for the semi-obscure 70s UK politics reference. 

The end of the Crisis is here! Does Carinus usher in a new golden age? Or is he the last of the dregs that have to be hosed down the drain pipe before Rome can get on its feet again? You can probably guess by the length of the episode! But who knows? Maybe he has that certain Je Na Caesar?

Murder! Death! Intrigue! ok, Numerian's rule was no more interesting than you last drive across the country, but with added eye pain, but his death is a murder mystery that would make Columbo stop and ask just one more thing. So, who killed him? The evil Aper, or the diabolical Diocles? 

Carus may well have done some shocking things; electrified the people of Rome with his lightning speed and thunderous voice. He may have seen the storm clouds brewing over Persia and decided it was time to show some Shock and Awe. He may have bolted out of Antioch and with javelins and forks ready to strike. But unfortunately, we don't know. Our sources have dried up a bit... But at least we know...

The empire is looking much better, but do not be fooled! Land Pirates stalk the..er..land, U2 have taken over the fleet and usurpers are in every corner. The East is lost! The West is Lost! Will Probus get them back? Will he in fact get them back before even finishing the letter informing him of the loss? Will he figure out where all his cows keep going? Find out in this week's episode of Totalus...

Let's be honest, there is not much to say about Florianus. But this is the perfect opportunity to look back at the series so far with out half-season review! Also: Half season quiz! who will come out on top?

Aurelian is dead! Who can fill his shoes? Who wants to fill his shoes? Anyone? Anyone at all? You! You there! With the frown, you can be emperor! Tacitus doesn't want the job - he is old and wants to look after his glassware collection. But he has no choice, time to step up and led Rome out of the Crisis...  

One day, a simple farmer looked around at the devastation of his homeland. He turned to his son and talked wistfully about the Good Old Days. When finishing this heart wrenching tale, the old man died. The son's heart filled with rage - his father's life had been one of misery. Who to blame? Everyone! what to do? Become Emperor and take over the world!* Join us as we see how Aurelian's life faired...

Sorry? Who?   Oh, look! Aurelian's coming! 

Claudius II: This time it's hyped up! Find out wht the Historia Augusta claims that this man was the best emperor in the history of Rome bar Constantine himself. Find out how he fought barbarians and... other stuff. That he must have done. I mean, he is obviously great, the Historia Augusta told us so... so he must be. Yep. 

His father is captured, his sons are in the care of men who would rather see him dead and the empire is close to being split in twane-plus-one (thrane?). What gallienus needs is a plan, a lot of courage, determination, an adjective to describe thirds and a 'Trusted General'. He has most of these, unfortuantly Roger the messenger keeps interupting all the bloody time!

So here we are, hitting rock bottom. Valerian seemed to not want to wield too much power, but now he does, he is not going to sit back and do nothing while the empire falls around him. He is going to teach that pesky Shapur a lesson! With his mighty (cough) army, (cough cough) he will go east (cough) and... why does everyone look so ill? Oh dear. 

  Aemilanus staged a coup. It was to be the defining moment of his life, from then on, his entire life was about fighting for the empire. Day after day he would work at keeping the purple. He fully believed in his men and their ability to take on the Rhine legions under the command of Valerian. It's a shame no one else believed it...

What can we say about Gallus? Seriously. What can we say about Gallus. If you can let us know we would be grateful. "He wasn't an awful human being," is possibly the highest praise even his mother could have given him. No wonder the world is in crisis... at least he has his trustworthy friend Valarian to help him...  

This week...Hostilain! And that is about all you need to know about him because if we summarise anymore, we will end telling his whole, sorry, short story. Also this week: The Plague! Smallpox (possibly) is afoot! Ever wanted to know the history of this virus? Well you are in luck, for this week we look at the history of the Pox(small). 

Decius. He took the empire by force, but did he want to? Either way, he is in charge now and he needs to sort out all these problems. Rome is being ravaged by famine, plague, war and death (and the lesser known horseman - economic problems). But fear not! Decius has a plan that will turn everything around... maybe.  

Philip. Big Phil to his friends. We are getting knees-deep into the Crisis now and we are looking for a stong leader to pull us out of the quagmire. Will Philip be that man? Not only does he need to turn around huge political, social and economic forces, he also has a party to prepare: Rome is 1000 years old! Hoorah! Let's go and check the budget for the celebrations....  

Gordian III, The Return of the Gordians. Can this young boy of an emperor live up to the glories of Gordian I and II? It's a lot of resposibility: he would have to, for starters, last longer than three weeks; go onto not dying in his first battle or killing himself in his wardrobe. Also: Find out how a furious man named Tim saved the empire for the guitar wielding king of kings, Sharpur.

Pupienus. He has a silly name, a long beard and a plan to defeat the mighty Thrax. But will that he enough for the harsh eyes of history to rank him as one of the best? Find out in this episode of Totalus Rankium!