Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled

A mother of two (3 and 5 years old) writes that she became a parent “with every intention of validating my children’s emotions and teaching them emotional expression.” Now she feels that perhaps her good intentions have backfired, and that her children’s whining and crying aren’t always genuine but may instead be an act. She says, “It’s as if they play the dramatic role for me, but they can just a...

Janet responds to a question from a parent who’s saddened that her 4-year-old is showing signs of general anxiety. “I’m seeing a pattern of scouting for danger instead of just letting loose and having fun,” she says. She also recognizes this tendency in herself. This mom is wondering if her daughter’s disposition is inherited or learned by modeling, and if there’s anything she could be doing diffe...

Janet speaks with author Maggie Dent about her newest book “Mothering Our Boys” in which she focuses on the common misconceptions we hold about boys and how these perceptions can negatively inform our attitudes and expectations. Maggie is a prolific parenting author and educator who advocates for a healthy, common sense approach to parenting. She is a passionate, positive voice for children of all...

Janet responds to an email from a parent asking how to prepare her 3-year-old for an enormous transition, in this case the arrival of a new sibling. Since her daughter brushes off direct questions about her feelings, this mom has decided she can’t really grasp it yet, but she’s anticipating limits and patience testing. She wants to know: “Is there any way I can help her prepare and make this trans...

Janet responds to an email from a parent who says she feels like a failure when dealing with her two-year-old’s tantrums. She writes: “We’ve been great at heading them off before they begin and recognizing why they’re happening, but we are completely at a loss what to do once we’re stuck with one.” She’s tried several different strategies without success. For more advice on common parenting issues...

Janet responds to a parent whose daughter decided at 4 years old that she didn’t like herself, chopped her hair short and switched out her wardrobe for boys’ clothes. While this mom has tried not to make a big issue of her daughter’s choices, now that she’s 6 years old she admits, “Deep down it bothers me that she seems to want to look like a boy.” She says she loves her daughter dearly and wants...

Janet responds to an email from the exasperated mother of two boys who asks: “What do I do when I find my adorable children genuinely annoying?” She remembers a time when she was happy with them and enjoyed what felt like precious moments, but lately there’s been very little joy in her parenting experience, and she feels that their behavior is exacerbated by her attitude. “It breaks my heart,” she...

Janet responds to a dad who’s feeling guilty for restraining his 3-year old daughter and forcibly brushing her teeth when she refused to do so herself. “I didn’t use hurtful force,” he writes, “but her protestations were so strong that I felt as if I was crossing a boundary.” This dad is wondering if there was another way he might have handled the situation. For more advice on common parenting iss...

Janet responds to a Facebook message from a parent who describes her 6-year-old as argumentative and resistant, and she’s running out of patience. She says, “ I recognize that he is testing limits and trying to establish his voice and independence in the world,” but she has other kids and feels her son’s questioning takes up too much of her time. She wonders if she should be flexible with him, or...

Janet responds to the parent of 8-month-old twins who says they are both very dependent on her, and she gets overwhelmed by her babies “complaining and crying at the same time.” Though she tries to respectfully acknowledge each twin, she worries that she isn’t being successful. The insight and advice Janet offers apply to all family situations, no matter how many children a parent is caring for. F...

A parent writes that her 3-year-old seems to intentionally ignore her when she asks him a question and she has to repeat herself several times. She doesn’t know if he’s misbehaving or if this is a result of his “hyper-focused personality,” and she says she sometimes loses her patience and shouts. For more advice on common parenting issues, please check out Janet's best-selling books on audio, FREE...

A parent writes that her 5-year-old scratched up her husband’s car with a rock, and the damage will cost thousands of dollars to repair. She and her husband are furious, of course, but they haven’t spoken to their son about the incident yet, and she’s wondering the best way to approach it. “We are both so mad,” she writes, “we don’t know what to do.” For more advice on common parenting issues, ple...

A parent writes that her 5-year-old is constantly asking, “Did I do a good job?” and seeking her parents’ validation. This mom acknowledges that her daughter’s world was rocked when her sister was born almost two years ago, and they’ve been working at supporting her to process her feelings in that regard. Now, she says, although her daughter has “let go a lot of her anger... I can’t help but wonde...

The parent of a 5-year-old girl and 2.5-year-old boy describes their play as generally creative and happy, but she sometimes observes what she believes is “manipulative behavior and unkind talk during disagreements.” This mother is wondering if it’s appropriate to intervene and correct what she perceives as unhealthy behavior, or whether it’s just part of their personal and social development. For...

Janet responds to an email from a parent whose 6-year-old boy has been hitting and pinching his younger sister and others, and she’s alarmed because he shows no remorse for his behavior. She says that she has tried to get her boy to talk about his feelings, but “he just shuts down and won’t talk to me.” She’s wondering how she might foster empathy in her son as well as encourage him to share his f...

Janet responds to a question from a parent on her Facebook page whose 3-year-old is exhibiting what she describes as excessive emotional outbursts. “I’m trying to reassure myself that this is normal,” she writes. “It’s like we have to constantly walk on eggshells… I’d love some reassurance and guidance.” For more advice on common parenting issues, please check out Janet's best-selling books on aud...

Janet responds to an email from a mom whose 3-year-old has a physical disorder. “Among other issues, he is very clumsy and often stumbles, trips, and falls.” Since this is going to be an ongoing issue for her son, and he’s just becoming aware of it, this mom is looking for ways to be supportive now and in the future. For more advice on common parenting issues, please check out Janet's best-selling...

Janet responds to an email from a stay-at-home parent who feels his efforts to establish and maintain boundaries during the day are undercut when his spouse returns home from work. He believes the daily struggles he has with their daughter “are partly or greatly exacerbated by my wife’s interactions with her…. I’m drained as a parent and feeling resentful towards my spouse for letting a stubborn 3...

A parent writes that she’s struggling with her 5-year-old’s demands to play with her. This mom says that although she understands the theory of Janet’s parenting approach, she has difficulty putting it into practice in the moment, and she finds herself getting frustrated and being unkind. “She irritates me, and I feel absolutely terrible for admitting that!” For more advice on common parenting iss...

A parent writes that her 18-month-old “has been testing the limits with tantrums.” At home, this mom and her husband try to ignore the behavior or redirect. In public, however, they tend to give in to their daughter’s demands. She writes, “I’d hate for her to learn she gets her way by throwing fits.” For more advice on common parenting issues, please check out Janet's books on audio at Audible (ht...

A parent describes her 6-year-old daughter as a perfectionist with no patience and a serious discomfort with feelings of failure. She says that all her well-intentioned efforts to calm, comfort, and coach only make things worse, so she wonders if Janet knows how she might help her daughter “face problems confidently on her own and foster a love of process.” For more advice on common parenting issu...

A parent writes that her 2-year-old is deep in a "want to do it myself" phase. While she recognizes her son’s need for autonomy and self-sufficiency, she admits that she often runs out of patience, which results in him having a full-blown meltdown or tantrum. She’s wondering how she might “set limits so it doesn’t take forever to do things but also respect his need for independence.” For more advi...

Janet continues her conversation with Laura Grace Weldon, author of “Free Range Learning,” about how parents can facilitate their children’s natural instincts to discover and learn in a conventional school system. Laura and Janet share their personal experiences as parents and discuss what they’ve learned while parenting their own children through a variety of school choices. For more advice on co...

A parent writes that her 3-year old has been having difficulties in play school -- hitting other kids, screaming, and not listening to the teacher. The behavior sometimes continues at home, and this mom admits she “can’t manage to stay calm every time, so sometimes I yell too.” Her primary concern is that her boy won’t be accepted in playschool, and she’s looking for some advice how to address his...

Janet is joined by Susan Stiffelman in a lively conversation about setting limits, tantrums, what your children want versus what they need, emotional resilience, having compassion for yourself, and the positive effects your confident leadership has on children as they become teens and young adults. Susan is a best-selling parenting author (“Parenting with Presence,” “Parenting without Power Strugg...