PsycHacks

Have you ever been in a situation where you just can't seem to do anything right by another person? It's possible that you fell into a rather unpleasant relational trap: the no-win conversation. In this episode, I'll help you identify the signs that you've fallen into such a conversation, and discuss the communication skill that you'll need to get yourself out of the predicament: emotional reflect...

The ability to forgive is an absolutely essential life skill, and one that no one really teaches us how to do. Forgiveness is an intrapersonal -- not interpersonal -- behavior that prevents our hearts from becoming embittered after we suffer at the hands of others. In this episode, I'll walk you through a step-by-step process by which -- over time -- you can transform anger and hatred into pity an...

The tale of Bluebeard is an old fairy tale from Western Europe, but its lessons are still applicable today. We all have skeletons in our closet. The question is how these secrets in our hearts ought to impact our relationships. Keep in mind that if you want perfect transparency, then you can't expect perfect goodness. Some doors should just remain closed.

Overcoming emotional manipulation is an important life skill. From a guilt-tripping mother to a fearmongering politician, there are those in the world who would use our emotions to further their own agendas. Breaking the pattern requires us to (a) accept responsibility for our own emotional reactions, and (b) tolerate our distressing emotions without taking action. I'll walk through how to do this...

One of the fundamental skills in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is the block-and-replace technique. This technique -- which entails blocking negative thoughts and replacing them with more reality-based alternatives -- undergirds the entire process of cognitive restructuring, which is an effective way of sustainably changing thoughts and beliefs. In this video, I'll discuss how this is done wit...

The disconfirming emotional experience is the very heart of the therapeutic process. It is the necessary and sufficient condition for significant personal change. In essence, a disconfirming emotional experience is when a person has the experience of passing through a feared situation only to emerge unscathed on the other side. With repetition, this contributes to the development of a felt sense t...

One of the easiest ways to get more from therapy is to rule out confounds before engaging the services of a therapist. Basically, this means that you should first try excluding any other factors that could plausibly influence your situation and observe the effect on your problem. This will help save time (and money), and clarify the objective of the clinical work, which will make your overall expe...

Many young adults arrive in their mid-20s with an expectation that life will continue to be a constant, structured progression (much like it has been up until that point). They have a chronic "fear of missing out," which seducing them into believing that life is somehow happening somewhere where they're not. However, this is not the case. In point of fact: this is it. Life is as full and complete...

Behind most angry emotions are thoughts containing the concept of "should." However, the suffering that results from this connection indicates that we may be using the concept of "should" incorrectly. Indeed, there's a "right way" and a "wrong way" to use this concept. In this video, I will discuss the differences between these two usages, and why the "right way" will help up stay safe and get wha...

With privilege comes responsibility. And one of the responsibilities associated with occupying a privileged position of leadership is to bite one's lip. The captain can't complain (downward). Don't exacerbate the vulnerability associated with being in a dependent position by openly discussing worries, gripes, fears, and anxieties. The buck stops with you.

Confronting a friend about his or her disrespectful or destructive behavior can be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship. Say nothing and you collude to enable the behavior. Come down too hard and you risk alienating the other. In this video, I discuss how to accomplish this difficult task by speaking from your own experience about the natural, emotional consequences of the other's act...

Many people live with the constant, low-grade fear of disappointing others. While this can ultimately be resolved by overcoming the fear of abandonment, the fear of disappointment can be significantly reduced by examining its rational basis. In this video, we'll discuss justified (versus unjustified) disappointment, so that you can reduce your exposure to unnecessary suffering.

In the course of your life, you are bound to encounter new and unexpected problems that you've never seen before. How can you respond confidently to a difficulty that you have no experience overcoming. In this podcast, I talk about two tricks for dealing successfully with just such a situation: looking at others and refocusing on your ability.

Some people carry the wounds and scars of past sufferings with them for the remainder of their lives. As a result of their pain, their lives have been irrevocably altered, and certain dreams may now no longer come to pass. How do these people turn this significant potential liability into a personal asset? The suffering of our past is redeemed through loving participation in our present.

One of the many ways people's minds can prove to be their own worst enemies is when they engage in fantasy narratives around important decisions in their lives. This is what I call "playing dress-up." This tendency is generally rooted in a lack of clarity about one's real desires -- which, in turn, is based on a dearth of accurate self-knowledge. Fit the opportunity to you -- not the other way aro...

Why do you have bad habits? If a behavior is causing you significant distress, why can it still be so difficult to change despite the obvious pain that it causes? The answer to this question lies in an analysis of the function a given behavior performs in the context of your life. Most likely, on some level, you believe that the habit's persistence is still a net positive. To really change a behav...

The hard truth about relationships is that everyone is entirely unique and completely replaceable. However, the key to making yourself (almost) irreplaceable in the context of any particular relationship is to prioritize how over what. This means that -- provided you continue to perform the duties associated with your role -- the way in which you show up is more important than what exactly you're...

In any given sport, the one playing the game is not simultaneously the one enforcing the rulebook. Yet in our lives, we all too often decide not to make the attempt if our efforts might run afoul of the (usually unwritten) rules. Let the referees referee. If you're playing the game, focus on playing the game, and learn to foul appropriately. If no one is blowing the whistle, then there's a good ch...

A paradoxical truth lies at the heart of all human relationships, namely: everyone you know is both entirely unique and completely replaceable. Success in life depends on your ability to keep both of these facts in your mind at the same time. When you do this, relationships become their proper size: neither too big nor too small.

Setting effective boundaries with difficult or toxic people in order to safeguard your peace of mind is an essential life skill. Unfortunately, too many people operate under the false impression that boundary-setting is about controlling the other to prevent future abusive behavior. In reality, setting boundaries is about controlling yourself to respond to the target behavior in such a way as to d...