Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Reymundo Mandel

In this episode, David and Ruth look back over the highlights of the first season of Partnered with a Survivor. They talk about the genesis of the show, favorite episodes, and the value of survivor anger. The episode also provides a preview of 2021 episodes, including an interview with author Jess Hill and a new series that looks inside the Safe & Together Institute. See you in 2021! Send us F...

The last few decades have seen a dramatic rise of the criminalization of domestic violence perpetration across the globe. As a result, police have received a large share of domestic violence funding and partnerships between law enforcement and advocates have become the norm. But if only 20% of survivors feel safer after calling the police , then it is important to think critically about the relati...

The term “trauma bonding” was originally coined by Patrick Carnes, who was a proponent of the concept of sex addiction. He originally developed the term to describe “the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person.” A simpler and more encompassing definition is that trauma bonding is “a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his o...

In 2020, the Centre for Women's Justice (CWJ) filed a groundbreaking "super-complaint" against all police forces in England and Wales. The complaint alleged patterns of "serious concerns about the way policing systems operate where police officers are accused of domestic abuse" and raising concerns of a "lack of integrity, of officers manipulating the system and actin...

Family courts’ decisions related to domestic violence and child abuse have tremendous impact on the lives of adult and child survivors. These decisions are suppose to serve the “best interests” of the children in these families. Yet, as research indicates , reports of domestic violence and child abuse are more likely to be disbelieved than believed by family courts. In this episode, David and Ruth...

The first police spouse that Dr. Leanor Boulin Johnson interviewed for her research came into the office, sat down, and said, “I have something I want to talk to you about, and I really don’t care what you want to talk to me about. I’m going to tell you what I want you to know about my stress.” She went on to tell Dr. Johnson and her colleague about how her police officer husband was beating her....

Police have been fighting against officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) for decades. In this episode, David and Ruth interview two international law enforcement experts and advocates fighting against the perpetration of domestic violence by police officers. Retired Lieutenant Detective Mark Wynn and Retired Police Chief Tom Tremblay talk about how:  Officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) vi...

Survivors of officer-involved domestic violence (OIDV) face unique threats and challenges compared to other domestic abuse survivors. OIDV perpetrators are highly trained in violence, control, and surveillance; have access to resources to surveil and threaten the survivor; can use knowledge of the system, including the location of confidential shelters/refuges; can use their relationships with oth...

When police officers commit domestic violence, it harms their family, the public, and the efficiency and effectiveness of police departments. Domestic violence survivors who are partnered with police officers face unique vulnerabilities and challenges. Officers who perpetrate domestic violence are often the same people who are involved in excessive force and altercations with their peers. It is be...

Survivors deserve a variety of options for support, justice, and healing. In this episode, Ruth and David start by interviewing Janette Barcenas, a survivor, practitioner, and researcher involved with U.S.-based survivor impact panels. Janette shares how her healing journey was strengthened by her participation in survivor impact panels and one-on-one dialogues with people who had chosen violence....

Often gendered and non-gendered frameworks for domestic violence are pitted against each other as if they represent two mutually exclusive universes. This does not need to be the case. To be useful, a domestic violence assessment and practice approach needs to  be accurate, comprehensive, and holistic.   In this episode of Partnered with a Survivor, Ruth and David discuss how practicing without a...

Systems often fail domestic survivors who are from religious communities, and worldwide, Muslim survivors can face racism from outside their community as well as intense pressure to conform to community norms around male entitlement and family honor.   In this episode, Ruth and David interview Shana Begum, a domestic violence education coach who is a survivor of not one but two attempted honor-bas...

For too long we have not listened to children and young people's experience of their father's violence. To fill this gap, Professor Cathy Humphreys and Dr. Katie Lamb interviewed children and young people about what they wanted to say to the fathers who were violent to their families.  In this episode, David and Ruth chat with Cathy and Dr. Lamb about their groundbreaking research. Their...

During this time of reflection on law enforcement's role in communities, explorations of restorative justice practices are more important than ever. In this episode, David and Ruth interview Dr. Eloise Sepeda, a national expert trainer and consultant of restorative justice and discuss: The importance of listening to domestic violence survivors and asking them the question: What does justice l...

In this episode, Ruth and David outline nine common narratives that support and encourage dangerous collusion with domestic violence perpetrators and offer practical tips for how to unwind and challenge those narratives. This episode is helpful for professionals, survivors, allies, and people who choose violence.  Send us Fan Mail Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s...

In this episode of Partnered with a Survivor, David and Ruth offer a very personal look at relationship dynamics when one partner is a survivor. In response to a request from a survivor to explore this topic, David and Ruth share their personal challenges and rewards of navigating historical abuse. What does living with and partnering with a survivor really look like emotionally and behaviorally?...

About the Episode: Undiscussable On Talk Radio Episode 4 When religious traditions are manipulated to abuse. Really key conversations...with @abdulwahidstephenson & @ruth_stearnsmandel If you haven’t caught the series so far you catch up on the podcast available wherever you get your pods. Send us Fan Mail Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving As...

To coincide with Father’s Day in the UK and US, we are pleased to launch our Choose to Change: Your Behavior, Your Choice campaign materials. This is a time of significant disruption in service delivery and reflection on the strengths and weaknesses of mainstream responses to domestic violence. Lockdown, loss of employment, and social distancing are creating new and unique pressures on families. M...

In this episode, David interviews Ruth about the Safe & Together Institute's Family and Friends Ally Guide. This guide was created out of the direct experiences of survivors of domestic violence, coercive control, and child abuse. It outlines what survivors wish their friends and family had known or done to assist them to safety and healing.   David and Ruth discuss the ideas behind the g...

Before he murdered their mother, Claire, and their sister, Charlotte, Luke and Ryan Hart 's father spent years justifying his control by telling them the world is a dangerous place. All the while, he was the one who was dangerous to their lives and liberty.  In this podcast, Ruth and David conduct a transatlantic interview with the two brothers who have been on a journey to raise awareness ab...

Ruth and David sit down with Laura van Dernoot Lipsky, author and director of the Trauma Stewardship Institute. David, who has known Laura for years, has seen and felt the power, practicality, and simplicity of her message.  In this conversation, Laura discusses: How the current situation with the pandemic is impacting an already emotionally overwhelmed workforce The balancing the urgency of the m...

In this episode Ruth and David outline an emerging checklist for professionals and families to help them map perpetrators' patterns of behavior in the context of the COVID-19 pandemic and our social response.  The episode includes discussion of: How to avoid colluding with perpetrators who are using the pandemic as an excuse for their behaviors Things to consider when you are assessing for in...

In the first of a series of COVID-19–specific podcasts, David and Ruth talk about how the dynamics of domestic abuse are changing in the context of the pandemic. The conversation includes: Specific resources for immediate support for survivors across North America, New Zealand, Australia, and the UK An exploration of how perpetrators may be using the pandemic to increase coercive control, includin...

In this podcast, David and Ruth explore the psychology behind men who use violence and abuse. They examine how different forms of entitlement create justifications for coercive control and how the emotional driver behind abuse may not be anger but rather avoidance of feelings of fear and powerlessness. The discussion covers several key factors that perpetuate abusive behavior: the perpetrator&apos...

This special episode features the lived experience experts highlighted at the Safe & Together Institute's third annual Asia Pacific Conference in partnership with Berry Street.  To start, David and Ruth discuss experiences and recommendations for systems change with the Y-Change experts from Berry Street . Their insights bring depth and context and keep systems accountable to the reality...