Oh, Sister!

cw: discussion of restrictive eating, eating disorders, fatphobia, racism, diet culture strategies such as calorie counting Due to my journal’s constant focus on restrictive eating, it’s time we face the beast and learn about the history of fatphobia. The Church has not been silent on the topic of what is “healthiest” for people, especially women, to feed and do with their bodies, and I’m going to...

cw: mention of dental problems, discussion of restrictive eating   Today we dive into the expectations of missionary WORK, reading sections of the White Handbook and Preach My Gospel that taught me to work myself to the bone, without proper rest or self care. This week’s journals include teaching my first lesson to a “drunk” investigator, reveling in the surprise visit from my mission president an...

cw: discussion of homophobia, mention of violent death & su*cide, of food restriction, & discussion of dental problems   I kick things off today by discussing the LDS Church’s practice of demanding people play nice while simultaneously kicking them while they’re down. Politely, of course. I reference a news broadcast they did in 2015 that is focused on the topics of "religious freedom and...

 Today I’ll begin to cover the topics taught in the missionary lessons, as well as the instructions on how missionaries are to interact with people they teach. And, I’ll make my case for how these practices line up with the idea of undue influence, or coercive control, by using tactics like love bombing and withholding critical information. This week’s journals include calling my past self out for...

According to my mission leaders, there was not only a right and a wrong option for every choice, but there was always a good, better, and best choice. Today I discuss how this kind of thinking encourages religious scrupulosity. This week’s journals include a surprisingly low number of active young single adults in the area, several days of infuriating illness that kept preventing me from working h...

cw: mention of r*pe, inc*st, discussion of abortion In line with this week’s focus on an investigator preparing for her baptism, today I’ll talk about one of the requirements for baptism into the LDS Church: the Baptismal Worthiness Interview. Since my investigator was a woman, I’ll focus in on the interview’s focus of female sexual purity. This week’s journal entries include actually written-out...

cw: spouse abuse & murder, diet culture, child endangerment I believe that Mormon theology enshrines patriarchy as god-given doctrine, and I will die on this hill! Today we’re learning about the document The Family: A Proclamation to the World, and I discuss misogyny, patriarchy, feminism, and how they tie into the church’s teachings. In week sixteen, my journal includes the affirmation of con...

CW: discussion of dying for the church, food insecurity, food restriction.  We start this week off with a reflection on a classic Elder Holland address to missionaries, with the chilling threat that "I have chains in every room." Yes, really! And of course, in this fifteenth week’s journal entries we once again come across the Mormon Message “Mountains To Climb,” so we’ll look into that...

CW: heavy swearing.   discussion of child abuse, child endangerment, violence, death, food insecurity, food restriction.  In line with some darker themes that begin to pop up in this week’s journal entries, today I’m beginning with a brief recap of the LDS Church’s history of dealing with both perpetrators and survivors of abuse, children in particular. In addition to the heartbreaking situation t...

CW: discussion of child abuse, discussion of over eating & food restriction It’s Christmas time! In this episode I’ll begin by explaining what Christmas means for missionaries—spoiler alert, it’s not a day to rest or party. After discussing the He is the Gift campaign, I’ll read the exhortations from my mission president about what to do during the Christmas season. This thirteenth week’s jour...

Today I dial into the concept of the Mormon church’s list of Approved Reading Materials for missionaries, which includes a small “Missionary Reference Library” and not much else. With the help of the beloved BITE model, I argue that this is yet another aspect of inappropriate control which led to my unhealthy personal development. This twelfth week’s journal entries include a day of distraction du...

CW: discussion of grooming, and I swear heavily in this episode After weeks of holding it in, I can no longer keep myself from “dropping the f bomb” as I share a deeply formative priesthood blessing experience from my freshman year at BYU. I do a deep dive into the ramifications of power dynamics built into the church’s male-exclusive priesthood structure, explaining how much it messed up my own c...

CW: discussion of sex, mention of r*pe culture Today I begin to dive into the strange world of Mormon sexual repression and control, with a discussion on Spencer Kimball’s infamous talk “Lock Your Heart.” My journal entries from week ten include even more worries about gaining weight, a micro-aggression around race and music, and the celebration of finding a place to “do service” as a missionary....

I begin by connecting cult “mind control” techniques with the Mormon practice of thought stopping through music, along with the idea that one can use holy music to “keep out the devil.” (“Just hum your favorite hymn, sing out with vigor and vim...”)  My journal entries from week nine include the celebration of a Sister Missionary’s 21st birthday, the misunderstanding that dealing with my symptoms...

Today I’ll cover one of the basic rules of missionary life: what (not) to wear. ; )  My journal entries from week eight include an admission that “missions are a good pressure cooker,” the story of one member’s inter-racial adoption, and my final days with my trainer before she is sent home to be released with honor. -check out Tara Herbert’s podcast: ⁠pouty mouth ⁠ -check out the YW lesson on mar...

In line with last week’s discussion of emotional manipulation, today I discuss the cultural idea of changing one’s own internal emotional landscape, as well as the results as I was trying to do it myself. My journal entries include friendly cats acting as evidence of our divine calling, going on my first “exchanges” with my Sister Training Leader, and the painful realization that I’ve never fully...

CW: discussion of restricted eating Today we’re focusing in on the practice of using emotionally manipulative language to manufacture "the Spirit.” In this sixth week, my journal entries include trying to track down a potential investigator at her workplace, dealing with the lack of control over what we ate as missionaries (as well as the pressure  to look a certain way as women), and contemp...

CW:  discussion of overeating  I open with a refresher on the rule to always stay within Sight & Sound of your mission companion, as we begin to see the effects of my constant external and internal surveillance. My fifth week begins with a detailed review of meeting notes from my first Quad Zone Conference, a commitment to stop the “habit” of complaining, and a moment of appreciation for the s...

Take a deep breath and pull on your serious boots, things start to get real as I deliver my soapbox on how the mission environment encourages neurotic religious scrupulosity. This week’s journal entries include the strange “love at first sight” experience (aka we were best friends in our past lives and we’ll be best friends forever) that missionaries can have with people they just met, the ups and...

CW: discussion of over-eating This episode unpacks my third week as a Sister Missionary. I start by sharing the mythology around and assignment of mission areas, and then we dive into my journal entries from that week. This week's journal entries include going to my first area and meeting my trainer, the attempted transplant of Utah Mormon culture into rural North Dakota, and my first experien...

This episode covers the second week of my time as a Sister Missionary. I give context for my time in the MTC (Missionary Training Center), then share my journal entries from that week. Covered topics include important family events that missionaries miss,  the unspoken social beliefs around why a missionary would go home early, & the absolute naive audacity Mormon missionaries have regarding t...

CW: mention of suicide In this first episode I explain my motivation for publicly sharing my personal journals. After explaining the "Missionary Purpose," I dive into the first week of my Mormon Mission with life in the MTC. Support me on patreon:D patreon.com/AllyChristiansen Written, read, edited, & produced by Ally Finlinson Christiansen. Music credits: Clown Music by Seth_Makes_S...