Not Bad Dan Not Bad Stories

I did a show last night at a wonderful establishment. The booker is friendly and the crowds are stand up savvy and generous, however, I performed in its haunted room. The room is not haunted by ghosts who poke their heads out of closets or appear suddenly in a mirror, what haunts this room is much worse. I believe that years ago, in the far away land of 1998, a comedian had such a bad set in this...

When I was 12 years old, there were a few truths I clung to in order to make my socially unsuccessful life bearable. I did not have many friends due to my erratic and frankly off-putting nature--which I am now grateful for--but back then, it served only to keep me on the outskirts of social life, and therefore, on the outskirts of reality itself. When you lack friendship, you learn that it’s not j...

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Hello SubStack! Just a few things up top. I will be doing standup in Seattle 1/9-10, LA 1/25 and DC 1/30-31. If I’m not coming to your city, please join my email list. You can find all that at this link. Important link Also, if you join the paid tier, it’s just 5 a month or 50 for the year and I’m going to put a lot of fun stuff on there! Ok sorry here we go How are we feeling? It’s been a little...

There are a few things I do every day. I write, I drink a full bottle of Bombay Sapphire and I go to the park. The park is about 80 yards by 80 yards, with a large modern jungle gym that takes up about a third of it. It’s one of those sleek multi-colored metal and plastic behemoths that replace the old wooden ones after too many children end up at the emergency room because they’ve gotten so many...

On a brisk November day in upstate Maine, the Harrington family worked in quiet happy synchronicity to prepare their Thanksgiving day meal. Tammy and Susan worked over the stove, putting the final touches on plating a perfect golden brown turkey. Tammy’s husband, Patrick, worked on a bowl of spiked apple cider like a mad scientist. Even Grandma Joan, who had been slipping mentally in her later yea...

Two days ago, I released a twenty four-minute, eight second-long standup comedy special on YouTube. This is the link. For purposes of algorithmic maximization, do me a favor and watch it all the way through, then play it on your phone and watch it all the way through, then make sure any time you’re out and about you take your friends’ phones and play my special on their device. When they ask, “Why...

If I were to take account of my thoughts on a given day, I would say a good 15% of them would be dedicated to resenting my current situation and contemplating all the things I deserve but don’t have. Aside from that, I’d say another 15% goes to hating myself, 20% goes to what kind of food I should eat next, and the remaining 50% goes to thinking about this one-armed monkey named Xing Xing who is a...

“Hey Dan, we’re going to cancel the late show--not enough tickets sold. Sorry buddy.” I sit in a greenroom on a maroon couch that was most likely a completely different color when it was carried into this comedy club several decades ago. It might have been bright red when the first ass, belonging to some vaudeville performer, imprinted itself on its cushion. I’ll bet even back then performers woul...

Starting in late October, I will embark on my 2025 tour. Tickets are available for Sacramento, San Francisco, New York, Cleveland, and Boston, with more to be added soon. Buy tickets here . My first time touring was winter of last year, and as a way to ready myself for my upcoming travel, as well as subtly incentivize you to buy tickets (if you don’t, it’s fine--just get ready for months of angsty...

The demographic of young, lonely men has been endlessly speculated on. Why are there so many young, lonely men? We need to save these young, lonely men! Honey, come quick, I think there's a young, lonely man under our bed! I was member of this demographic for the better part of my early to mid-twenties. If there is any consolation for those depressing, isolating years, it is that I now have firsth...

I met Rick in Boston at an open mic. At the time, I lived in western Massachusetts, but ventured to Boston once or twice a week. Two hours there, two hours back. The drive to Boston always made me feel the kind of excitement only the naive have access to, their nerve endings yet to be ground down by years of disappointment. My mood on the drive back from Boston would vary depending on how my set w...

Hank was lumbering back from the shotput circle when he saw a news truck with a big number three on its side. He watched as the crew piled out, two heavy set long haired men with goatees, and a small woman in a pants suit that was still somehow suggestive. She had a waterfall of blond hair gleaming in the morning sun. Hank thought it was funny how easy it was to tell who was the crew and who was i...

Dylan Saccone was looking down at his phone as he crossed Santa Monica Boulevard. He was trying to see if LaSorted’s had cheaper pizza than Triple Beam, so he never saw the westbound 3 bus coming. The bus driver, who turned her head momentarily to see who was blasting what sounded like pornography from a Bluetooth speaker, didn't see Dylan crossing the street with his head down. They were both mad...

The groundskeeper for Old Rochester Regional High School rambled towards the track in what he called "the gator", a small four wheel vehicle with a three foot by four foot truck bed, like a working man's golf cart. He had been the grounds keeper at ORR for years, but the gator was new. The school had decided to make a number of updates to the school's athletic facility, due to the amount of attent...

"And another thing," Hubert Price said, staring into the camera with a well-practiced expression of righteous indignation. "If you want to come into this country, you need to do it legally , that's what these snowflake liberals don't understand. We love immigrants in this country… legal immigrants. The law is the most sacred thing there is, and it must be upheld at all cost. That's what this admin...

As I sat on the Orange line southbound from the Dallas International Airport to my hotel in Deep Ellum, my predominant emotion was dread. I was going to perform at a wonderful comedy club, and it was the first headlining gig I've had in a while (so god knows I needed the money,) but I couldn't shake the memory of the last time I visited the Dallas area six months ago. Six months earlier, I perform...

"Do you want to meet Norm MacDonald?" This question was posed to me by a strange man named Eddy, who I had met the night before at an open mic in the Valley called Liquid Zoo. It was one of the worst setups imaginable, loud bar, finicky microphone, and every comedian got ten minutes of stage time, which was way, way too long. Eddy saw me go up and came right over to me after my set. He was wrinkle...

Much has been said about family members monopolizing conversations at holidays like Thanksgiving and changing the mood of things from festive to combative. Many people will say that they hope their uncles don't get drunk this year at Christmas, because they’ll start talking about crime statistics and keeping Muslims out of NASCAR. Some people go to family gatherings like they’re preparing for batt...

Brian sat at a far table in Bar Bandini, and waited for his date. Brian felt Bar Bandini was a perfect spot to take a woman when you're meeting her for the first time. It was dark and sexy, but cheap enough where he could buy the first round and not have to run into the bathroom to check his bank balance after. Brian reached for his phone, then remembered he told himself a week ago that he was goi...

A story about the sadness and humor of divorce. Please share if you like it! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dandonohue.substack.com/subscribe

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This is a short fictional story set in the future, a little different then what I usually write but I really liked it. If you liked it consider joining the paid tier to get access to more writing and to help me. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dandonohue.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit dandonohue.substack.com Here is the audio version of my last story, Thank you so much for being a paid subscriber.