No Crying In Baseball

Pottymouth does math (!) to show how NCiB once and forever baseball boyfriend Omar Vizquel will get voted into the Hall of Fame *next* year. Maybe. New Mets manager Luis Rojas has an excellent pedigree and a deep history with the team. Patti and the Pottymouth pull out their Mom cred to jump on Scott Boras’ assertions that the Astros players don’t need to apologize, and Justin Turner wonders why D...

Patti and the Pottymouth perform a public service by saving their Astros Cheating Scandal rant until the end of the show, so they can set you up with the happy first. Boyfriends this week come from the Rangers and the Cubs. Pottymouth leads the Texas talk with Joey “Pico de” Gallo , an actual joey, and some puppies, and Patti counters with Nick “Hockey kid” Solak , an enthusiastic mom, and a holid...

Baseball players once again step up for disaster relief, this time for earthquakes in Puerto Rico, where ballparks are serving as shelters. Our favorite World Series first pitch, Chef Jose Andres, is feeding thousands through his World Central Kitchen , a good destination for your relief dollars or volunteer time, if you are so inclined. Patti explains Arbitration , and runs through NCIB boyfriend...

In the first episode of the new year, we bestow our very first A*&hole of the year award to Domingo Germán , who earned the league’s longest suspension for violation of the domestic abuse policy for a player not formally charged.  The Yankees clean house in training and conditioning and make us wonder just how good the 103 game-winning team will be without a record number of player injuries. ...

This week’s baseball boyfriends represent the Seattle Mariners and Colorado Rockies and include an actual smackdown. Pottymouth’s BF Austin Nola will be competing with Patti’s BF, Evan “Beautiful Freak” White , for the Mariner’s starting 1B. Representing the Rockies, Pottymouth selects commercial star and self-proclaimed Momma’s Boy, Ryan McMahon , while Patti goes for former National and longtime...

Patti marks the release of the latest Star Wars movie by spoiler-free naming Boba Fett, er, Bo Bichette , her Blue Jays boyfriend for 2020. Pottymouth is happy to find that even though we never stopped talking about Vladimir Guerrero, Jr . last season, he wasn’t an official boyfriend, until now. Over in San Diego, Pottymouth lays claim to Eric “Red Hot Chili Peppers” Hosmer , while Patti chooses J...

Pottymouth is all in for Aristides “The Punisher” Aquino as her new Reds boyfriend, so much so that her Dominican Winter League fandom is now divided. Patti also looks to the outfield and selects Nick Senzell , who had her at The Green Monster “makes you feel so tiny.” Over in Kansas City, Cuban-born Jorge Soler and his personal emoji capture Pottymouth’s attention, while Hunter Dozier and his bac...

In which we get the episode number right but say Padres when we mean Pirates and George when we mean Gregory. Welcome to the off-season. Patti provides helpful career advice to Pottymouth by comparing job postings for favorite mascots.  We profile our new Orioles boyfriends, Pedro Severino and Anthony Santander , who we hear is very big in the UK . Just to stir things up, Pottymouth gives up her v...

Before we kick off the Boyfriends of 2020, we dabble in boyfriends of long ago and just yesterday.  Patti’s original baseball boyfriend, Omar “Manos de Seda” (hands of silk!) Vizquel , landed a new gig managing Mexico’s Toros de Tijuana , and our HOF campaign progresses in earnest. Pottymouth’s 2019 Orioles BF Jonathan Villar is waived outright by the Os, and instead of emotional support, she gets...

Patti and the Pottymouth go off on MLB’s plan to gut the minor leagues , saying things like “Capitalism,” “Sanders,” “ Schumer ,” and “ veiled threats .” Sports isn’t just sports. It is economics, labor, community, family, and politics too. On a lighter note, we bestow the title of Honorary Boyfriend on Gerardo Parra, as he departs to play in Japan. Patti reminds us what this whole “Rule 5 Draft”...

We can’t avoid the Astros’ sign-stealing scandal , so we lean right in. Patti and the Pottymouth choose opposite sides of the Darvish/Yelich twitter feud , as well as just how deep Alex Cora and Carlos Beltran are enmeshed in the kerfuffle. How could the Giants think bringing on Gabe Kapler was a good idea? Was it his less than stellar record with the Phillies? Or his inappropriate attempts at cov...

Silver Sluggers are announced and NCiB Boyfriends Ozzie Albies, Ronald Acuna, Jr., and DJ LeMahieu collect their first awards, while Anthony Rendon takes home #2, and Mookie “Pookie” Betts, Christian Yelich, and Nelson Cruz are three-time winners. Once again we miss our chance to vote for the Platinum Glove winners, and once again Nolan Arenado and Matt Chapman are the winners. There must be somet...

We note once or twice that the Washington Nationals won the World Series. The end of the postseason signals the start of the hot stove season so Patti offers a vocabulary lesson in exercising options. Pottymouth posits that Never Gonna be a Boyfriend Aroldis Chapman did not opt-out of his Yankees contract because there are no other places for abusive relievers. Scott Boras manages all of the top t...

The “ Calma” in the Nationals clubhouse is so much more delightful than the toxic culture over at the Astros .  And that’s not just two Nats fans talking, The Assistant GM of the Astros has been fired, and MLB is investigating belligerence, inappropriate behavior, and outright lies perpetrated by the Astros organization.  Never should have brought that Osuna guy on to begin with.  And don’t try to...

In an unexpected role reversal, Pottymouth steers us away from shotskis and towards responsible behavior and making amends. Patti, meanwhile, says “balls” too much, and narrowly avoids a shotski situation at a college hockey game. Our postseason boyfriends past and present play some sexy defense ( Michael Brantley ), and hit some key homeruns ( DJ LeMahieu and Jose Altuve ). Brantley also hits a s...

Part-way through the AL and NL championship rounds, we welcome bandwagon fans. Come on board, we’ll make room for everyone and don’t let anyone tell you you don’t belong. It’s our job to try to keep you, not disregard you for not being born into a baseball-loving family. Besides, bandwagon fans are the most fun to explain superstitions and rituals to. Same seats! No he CANNOT shave that terrible b...

Haven’t had a rant like this for a while. Pottymouth goes off on that fucking Tomahawk Chop, which got personal for Cardinal’s pitcher Ryan Helsey , but if that is what it took for you to see the problem , what the heck is wrong with you?  You cannot simultaneously give your fans foam tomahawks and say you are taking steps to eliminate the chop.  Side note, Patti swears for real. Everybody was mad...

In the calm between the regular season and the start of the postseason, we review, regroup, revile, and rejoice.  Yadier Molina gives us the last bench-clearing conversation of the season. Our baseball boyfriends past and present clean up with the batting titles. Tim Anderson, Anthony Rendon, Mookie “Pookie” Betts, and future BF Pete Alonzo do us proud.  Patti reveals that catcher Tony Wolters has...

With one week left in the season, is there enough time for Pete Alonso to break the record for home runs by a rookie? Can Ronald Acuña, Jr. steal those last three bases to join the coveted 40-40 club? Will Nick Castellanos hit those last two doubles for a season high of 60, not seen since 1936? Add that to the two Central division champions and all the wildcards to be decided and it’s a heck of a...

So many guys are out for the rest of the season.  Some from random and heartbreaking injury, and some from preventable mayhem. We mourn the loss of Christian Yelich and ponder the opportunity that Shohei Ohtani ’s knee surgery provides to improve his command of Spanish language cursing .  We give a hearty WTaF to Kyle Crick ’s “I punched my own teammate over music choices” injury and Michael Pined...

After 3364 plate appearances, Wilson Ramos finally stole a base . Ronald Acuña Jr. stole the very same base to join the 30-30 club.  Who gets the base?  It’s a boyfriend smackdown. Ketel Marte's slams earns player of the week and proves Pottymouth right.  Matt Olson earns some boyfriend love from Patti, even though she’d prefer his Oakland team would please lose just enough for Cleveland to cement...

Christian Yelich just keeps racking up the points as Patti’s Brewer’s boyfriend. Not one bit of this week’s discussion touches on his baseball prowess. There’s plenty of other characteristics on which to focus, many of which are on display in the ESPN Body Issue . He also ups the humor game with his walk-up song salute to a twitter critic, and we are here for it. We cross-train a little with the B...

Patti, Pottymouth, and Big Papi all took kids to college last week, and everyone lived through it. Players Weekend gave us some fashion statements we loved, and some we really didn’t appreciate . Mookie Betts honoring Big Papi with his cleat design, and Aaron Judge having all 200+ Little League World Series players sign his cleats? Definitely in the plus column. Tributes to Tyler Skaggs?  We’re he...

Patti and the Pottymouth may be updating resumes after our conversation with Paige Hegedus , Manager, Special Events and Affiliate Programming for Minor League Baseball. Paige oversees the official employment service of Minor League Baseball , which organizes job fairs and networking opportunities at baseball’s Winter Meetings, conducts recruitment events on college campuses, and develops outreach...

All the young dudes, okay, many young dudes, get some attention from Patti and the Pottymouth this week. Our Atlanta Boyfriends, Ronald Acuna Jr. and Ozzie Albies , are tearing it up. Bo Bichette (not Boba Fett), of the Blue Jays, is so shiny we aren’t even talking about Vlad Jr. Patti takes a field trip to the Single A Ironbirds to scout first-round draft pick Adley Rutschman and is not disappoin...