Mountebank History of Scotland

In the late 17th century Scotland attempted to gain control of a tiny but immensely important trade choke point in a vast foreign empire we knew little about, the endeavour was widely unsuccessful and would result in thousands of deaths and economic disaster – it makes the Strait of Hormuz seem a little less ridiculous when you consider Donald trump has Scottish ancestry. The Scottish colony of Ne...

The 17th century came to an economically ruinous end for Scotland as it attempted to establish a colony on the Darien Isthmus in Panama. The settling of a colony at Darien was the sole obsession of one man, William Paterson. Paterson was a banking visionary who, despite his shady goings on in the Caribbean, had the ear and trust of some of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the country, a kin...

The 'ill years' of late 1690's Scotland was a period of Scottish history more depressing than the Bertie Vogt's era. Devastating famines in 1696, 1698 and 1699 created the most severe mortality crisis experienced in Scotland until the introduction of the deep-fried Mars Bar. Mortality rates in some parts of the country reached as high as 20%, about the same as your average ICE agent. The famines c...

The Massacre of clan Macdonald by Government troops in the winter of 1692 is one of the most shocking and infamous events in all of Scottish history. After the defeat of the first Jacobite Rising in Scotland in 1690, the Williamite Government demanded that all Highland Chieftains must make on oath of personal allegiance to King William and Queen Mary by the 1st of January 1692. This required them...

The first Scottish attempt to restore the deposed King James VII & II onto the thrones usurped by his daughter and son-in-law Queen Mary II & King William II & III, occurred in 1689. This first Jacobite Rising was unsuccessful, as were all subsequent Jacobite Risings in Scotland, the Jacobite Risings in Scotland were like successive Tory Prime Ministers in Britain between 2010 and 2024...

In 1688/89 King James VII & II's thrones were usurped by his daughter Mary and son-in-law William of Orange in the so-called 'Glorious Revolution' named so because of the rebellion's supposed bloodlessness. The revolution may have been 'Glorious' in England, but it would prove to be anything but bloodless in Scotland and Ireland, here it would have profound consequences for Scottish and Irish...

The first two episodes of the brand new series of the Mountebank History of Scotland will be released on Wednesday the 6th of May!  

James VII & II was the last Catholic Stuart monarch of Britain and Ireland. As a Catholic he was viewed with suspicion by Protestants who were unhappy about James' placing of Catholics in prominent position within government - those positions were supposed to be exclusively for those who went to Eton - and his religious indulgences that allowed for Catholic toleration in England and Scotland....

In 1681 James Duke of York and Viceroy of Scotland passed the 'Test Act' demanding all office holders in Scotland swear an oath of loyalty to King Charles II, accept the king's position as the governor of church and state, and renounce any attempts to change the system of supreme royal authority in Scotland. Promising to never make any innovations, improvements and declaring your undying love for...

When Charles II introduced religious legislation in Scotland requiring parish ministers to pledge their allegiance to the restoration regime and denounce the National Covenant, many ministers refused. These ministers left their parishes - which were then converted into Wetherspoons - and took their parishioners into the wilds of the Scottish countryside in illegal religious gatherings known as 'co...

Oliver Cromwell's death paved the way for the restoration of the monarchy and the return of King Charles II, a political comeback that at one stage looked as unlikely as Nigel Farage returning to head up the Reform Party - although that is of course less a return of the king and more a return of the c*nt. When it came to Scotland, Charles had not forgotten about his shabby treatment by the Presbyt...

Oliver Cromwell was as effective a monarch killer as Liz Truss, but after executing King Charles I Cromwell hummed and hawed about whether or not to accept the British crowns, in the end he gave himself the modest title 'Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England'. Cromwell incorporated Scotland into his Commonwealth, he had to occupy the country because a political union between the nations wa...

Between the years of 1648 and 1650 Scotland was ruled by a group of ultra-Presbyterians from the south west of Scotland called the 'Whiggamores'. The Whiggamores administered the country as a kind of Protestant Taliban, ruling as a religious theocracy they purged the government of anyone who was in any way competent or useful and supplanted them with fundamentalist religious extremists, they were...

I'm very exited to announce that the Mountebank History of Scotland is returning to your airwaves! The first two new episodes of the series I am releasing on the 30th of April, be sure to tune in then! :)

James Graham, the Marquis of Montrose, the 'Great Montrose' won a series of brilliant, almost impossible victories over the Covenanters in 1644-45 that is remembered as the 'Year of Miracles'. Such a run of near impossible victories wouldn't be seen again in British history until Leicester won the league in 2016. Montrose fought to make himself 'Master of Scotland' but like Alex Salmond it all cam...

When civil war broke out in England in 1642 both the English Parliamentarians and Royalists petitioned the Scots Covenanters for their support. The Covenanters had the strongest army across all three kingdoms, they had defeated the Royalist forces of Charles I with remarkable ease in the Bishop Wars of 1639/40. The Covenanters may have been miserable bastards but they were also very successful - l...

Charles I tried desperately to assimilate the Scottish Presbyterian kirk with the English Anglican church, when he introduced a new Common Prayer Book to Scotland in 1637 an Edinburgh woman called Jenny Geddes famously reacted by throwing her stool at the Dean of St Giles Cathedral's head - by stool I mean what she was sat on, she wasn't throwing handfuls of shite at the guy. The result of Charles...

Queen Elizabeth I died in the early hours of the 29th of March 1603 having resolutely refused to name an heir, to marry, or to attempt to conceive an heir. It meant the famed Tudor dynasty came to an end in the hands of a pasty-white, red-headed-leader - just like the end of Celtic’s dynasty, except where Elizabeth refused to be pumped Neil Lennon was quite happy to get pumped every other weekend....

James obsession with sorcery, witchcraft, and satanism would lead to thousands of innocent, predominantly women, being tried, tortured, and executed as witches. Thousands suffered because of one man's obsession, one insipid, sweaty, balding, misogynistic, xenophobic, orange, small-handed, pussy-grabbing, prick of a king - but it's very difficult to put in any kind of 21st century context

James was given a vigorous education as a child, he was being raised to be an 'Exemplary Protestant Leader' - which is what Arlene Foster has printed on her business cards. James was a child genius and probably the most intelligent world leader until Donald Trump, and like Donald Trump he too was in love with a family member, not his daughter but a Stuart cousin Esme Stuart. Esme Stuart was a dash...

Mary was beheaded at Fotheringhay Castle in Northamptonshire on the 8th of February 1587. The English went and beheaded our queen, and since they got to behead our queen it's only fair we should get to behead their's - head for a head and all that. Mary was found guilty of 'imagining diverse matters tending to the death and destruction of the queen of England', if they executed Mary for 'imagining...

By the time of Mary’s ‘escape’ to England in May 1568 both her mother and father were dead, she had two dead husbands, she ruled over a country that had changed its religious and political structures overnight, was berated by angry Protestants, put down a rebellion by her brother, witnessed the horrific murder of her secretary, was imprisoned and escaped, won back her kingdom, married the man resp...

Mary's second husband Lord Henry Darnley was a vindictive, alcoholic, spiteful, womanising, pig-f*cker he had all the necessary attributes to become Prime Minister but it also meant he had a lot of enemies. There were plenty in the Scottish nobility with motive to want Darnley dead, his murder in the Scottish Gunpowder Plot in February 1567 is Scottish history's biggest 'who dunnit?'  *note to Eng...

John Knox was Scotland's most miserable man before Sir Andy Murray. He was a middle-aged, extreme-Protestant, who despised the charismatic female ruler of Scotland - like your uncle on Facebook - and was one of the leading figures in the 'Reformation'. We were always destined to be Protestants in Scotland, Scottish people will choose 'grey misery' over 'over-the-top showiness' every time. The refo...

The Rough Wooings aren't just Alex Salmond's idea of flirting, they were also a series of punitive raids launched by England's 'ultra gammon' monarch Henry VIII to try and force Scotland into a marriage pact using intimidation and violence, 'Phil Mitchell style'