Midnight Crisis

"And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy" - We play the Jeffrey Epstein and Luke Skywalker game. - Nobody stumbles home after a visit the ophthalmologist that leaves her nearly blind. - We discuss how a ‘top 30 headache’ can mean vastly different things for men and women. - We reminisce about the early days of Facebook and Nobody’s most cringeworthy posts. - Nobody has a new busines...

"The only time I feel I might get better is when we are together" - Ben doesn’t want the obligation of dealing with your dead body. - Nobody lost her grandma’s ashes. - We plan Nobody’s funeral and her partners commiseration handjob. - Nobody asks if you’d let a stranger with diarrhea into your house. - Nobody outlines exactly what she’d use the superpower of ‘bowel vision’ for. - Ben dreams up a...

"I want someone to try, or let me down easy, easy tonight" - Ben is confused by the condoms in airport bathrooms. - We ponder what the inside of our nose smells like. - The Toni and Ryan podcast is giving Ben a glimpse into a parallel universe. - Nobody thinks our childhood town of Research would be the perfect setting for a small-town murder mystery. - Ben has a run in with a mentally healthy gan...

"I think I got to know your body" - Ben thinks we need a name for the back of the knee. - We discuss accidentally sending dirty messages to the group chat. - Ben attends the Grand Prix and buys the world’s most expensive dental floss. - Ben has some follow up questions about Nobody’s love of Ferris wheels and the World’s Fair. - Prompted by the Toni & Ryan podcast, Nobody asks what percentage of e...

"All we are is dust in the wind" - Nobody is done with personal growth. - Someone is stealing Ben’s Fijian sand! - Ben’s stomach starts speaking to him. - Nobody wants to visit the World’s Fair.

"I'll take you to the candy shop. I'll let you lick the lollipop." - Ben wonders if we should trust Trojan condoms and we brainstorm the politest way to say ‘raw dogging’. - We launch our new brand of customised condoms. - Nobody feeds Ben the worst candy he’s ever had. - We cheap out on sunscreen and face the consequences. - Nobody returns from Bali with dengue fever. Aka. The poor man’s Ozempic....

"And he's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the navy" - We make the common mistake of confusing Glenn Close with Glen Powell. - Ben gets embroiled in a case of mistaken identity at the massage parlour. - Ben provides a Christmas penguin update. - Ben introduces his family to Aunty Donna with disastrous results. - We discuss our positions on standing ovations. - Nobody wonders why Billy Joel is tak...

"'Cause baby, now we got bad blood" - Ben is perplexed by the ‘void if scratched’ part of scratch off lottery tickets. - We analyse the two types of zoot suits. - We check in with the Gävle Goat for the first time in 2025. - We discuss giant pants and ‘button up people’. - Nobody tries to attend a yoga class and ends up in an unusual situation. - Nobody explains her theory on why Taylor Swift migh...

SPOILER WARNING This podcast contains a spoiler for Agatha Christie’s 1926 classic The Murder of Roger Ackroyd. If miraculously, you have just ordered this from Amazon and don’t want to know who the killer is, it’s best to listen to this episode after reading the book. Similarly, if you’ve also somehow managed to avoid spoilers for the original Star Wars trilogy and The Sixth Sense and would like...

"There's a ghost in me who wants to say, I'm sorry" - Nobody appreciates the honesty of Bank First. - Nobody thinks ghosts are more surprising than scary and we consider the best haunting strategy. - Ben proposes a text message alert system after accidentally texting the group chat. - Nobody falls on a chain mail sword and we attempt to loophole our way out of being killed by the girl from The Rin...

"You and your high horse" - Ben asks what happened to the tint at the top of a car windshield? - We taste test the new M3GAN 2.0 Fanta. - Ben takes some time to update his medical history for his dentist. - Ben pays tribute to Australian Survivor host Jonathan LaPaglia. - Ben shares an uncomfortable moment with the cashier at ALDI. - Ben discovers the truth about the mystery meat he ate in Tokyo....

"We could fall in love in new shapes" - Ben takes aim at the Macquarie Banking app (also known as a bap) and it's mysterious $ button. - We make it rain coins at Australian strip clubs and design a range of jeans with dick windows and taint periscopes. - Nobody uncovers a Lynx body spray scandal. - We discuss the Mother (definitely not Monster and we’d never suggest otherwise) energy drink relaunc...

"My neck, my back..." - Nobody wants everyone to know about her cool new vest. - We sweat over making big purchases on our phone. - We blame the older generations for everything and ponder what we have in common with Gen Z icon Jacob Elordi. - Ben ponders how they convinced everyone to work on the Death Star. - We wonder how serial killers meet each other. - Nobody’s physio gives her an unexpected...

"And who would've thought? It figures." - We accidentally leave our drinks in the freezer. - We once again revisit the story of Ben’s mums ‘Don’t look up’ text message. - Ben continues his review of Anyone But You with a heavy emphasis on fingers in Glen Powell’s butt. - We go bowling and Ben steals Nobody’s luck. - We reminisce about scouring community markets as children for bootleg movies and g...

"I alone love you, I alone tempt you" - Ben wants everyone to experience the joy of peeling the paper off a tub of butter. - SMSiquette: Ben’s girlfriend may be a snake and Nobody has questions about ‘The Numbers’ on her phone. - Nobody drifts off to sleep watching The Rookie and we discuss the difference between being buff and masculine. - We review Anyone But You and Nicolas Winding Refn’s filmo...

"I bless the rains down in Africa" - We raise an eyebrow at the unusual towel that Nobody once gifted Ben and discuss who the settler and reacher are in her marriage. - Nobody joins her body corporate and gets into another car accident, which may have resulted in a personality change. - Ben has a run in with a suspiciously named man on the Japanese subway. - Ben is amused by the Japanese payment a...

"You might as well be farting, farting with a walkman on" - Nobody farts on some joggers. - Ben asks Nobody a hypothetical question about dead people, a year in the making. - We play the ‘who feels more dead?’ game. - We field an offer to have New Zealand’s preeminent porn star Layla Kelly, on the podcast. - Ben orders a train ticket and instead gets showered with K-Pop merchandise. - Ben makes hi...

"Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door" - Ben follows Drake’s lead and invites 25 Miss Universe contestants to the show. - Nobody gets sick and tries to text God. - Ben wonders how the ongoing Leongatha mushroom trial has affected beef Wellington consumption. - We debate soup versus stew and the coolest foods to get caught eating. - We consider which of Ben’s friends would be the most likely to ea...

"You're a pink pony girl and you dance at the club" - Nobody plots how she’d milk the podcast in the event of Ben’s death. - We warn Mayor McCheese to keep an eye out for the Hamburglar. - We get derailed by an emergency text about a vagina car. - We revel in the miracle of our lost items being returned to us. - Ben raises an eyebrow at the portrayal of a young Paul Giamatti in Black Mirror. - We...

"Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?" - Ben has questions about Yoplait’s new tagline: Australia’s number one family yogurt. - Nobody doesn’t need facts in her period pads. - Ben introduces a new segment: Orgy Tips. - Nobody wants to determine the line between a normal attraction to a cartoon character and a fetish. - Nobody’s friend makes an unusual discovery in the glo...

"And we'll fly and we'll fall and we'll burn..." - Nobody doesn’t want to have to make a doctor’s appointment to be told she’s fine. - We discuss the difficulties of recording a relaxation exercise with noisy roommates. - Ben resonates with a familiar scene in The Monkey. - Nobody experiences a Greg Davies fever dream while binging The Cleaner. - Ben attends a Taskmaster taping and gets caught off...

"Switch it up like Nintendo" - We make our triumphant return to podcasting. - Nobody challenges Anthony LaPaglia to show Ben how fun he can be. - Nobody struggles to say she isn't attracted to Chris Hemsworth. - We enjoy the latest double entendres from Australian Survivor. - We discuss censorship nonsense and dissect the lyrics of Sabrina Carpenter and Charli XCX. - We’re forced to revisit the to...

"You'll believe God is a woman" - Ben doesn’t want people to think he’s crying at dumb movie moments. - Nobody is holding space for Wicked. - Ben faces a conundrum at a Thai massage parlour. - Nobody reveals how she’d get around without legs. - We pitch Michael Bay‘s next blockbuster: Tom Hardy Vs. The Kraken. - We swap crazy Tom Hardy stories. - Nobody’s car breaks down and a man with fat fingers...

"It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy" - Ben doesn’t trust a waterproof label. - We discuss the history of eating mummies and everything else on Earth. - Ben has a massage parlour business proposal. - Ben wants to know how long you’re obligated to keep a gift for. - We discuss the egg in Ben’s bathroom.

"I'm only human, can't you see? I made, I made a mistake" - Ben prides himself on his ability to find things in Bunnings. - Ben needs someone to accompany him to Funfields water park, so he doesn’t look like a creep. - Nobody doesn’t want to go out drinking when she has a perfectly good apartment. - Nobody endures a perfect storm of food poisoning – aka. her Christmas nadir. - We check in on the G...