Jaffa Takes

Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later: SG-1 dials to a planet that remembers Teal’c, and not in a good, fun-times way. In fact, the inhabitants of this confusingly medieval-themed planet immediately point crossbows at him and then put him on trial for war crimes. Uh-oh! So in this very TNG-feeling episode, we have O’Neill cast in the role of the pragmatic realist, who instantly realizes t...

Welcome back, glad to see you’re still with us after last episode. This one is better! We’re already at, by my count, the 4th Carter-centric episode, as well as the second one in a row, and they finally made a good one. The title and cold open makes you think this episode is about a black hole, but as it turns out, they pretty much forget about it immediately, and the titular singularity is, in fa...

Why? God, why? This episode is a mess! Here we have a big ol’ poop of a script, where an evil but sexy temptress in a terrible wig comes into the SGC with a bullhorn and a neon sign that scream “I am a Goa’uld”, and the boys just kinda let it happen. Emphasis on boys, because this is 1997, and this is a very heteronormative SGC that employs a grand total of four women, plus or minus a Teal’c. So h...

Underwater Kree to all you… tadpoles (?) and welcome to this wholly inconsequential episode where first we think Daniel’s dead, and then a fish yells at him for half an hour. While 75% of SG-1 is suffering from pretty severe PTSD after being made to believe their friend died tragically, he has to figure out what fate Omoroca. They have a military funeral with full honors, but what fate Omoroca? Ja...

No but for real kree in this one, y’all, and furthermore, kel shak tek’ma’te, because we have a big damn Jaffa episode, featuring the introduction of the biggest and damnest Jaffa of them all, master Bra’tac! There is no end to the love we have for this old man, he of the skull cap, dad jokes and staff volleys. So it turns out Teal’c had a wife and son back on Chulak he neglected to mention at all...

Kree to all of you cool jazz cats (?), and welcome to this slightly 40s-infused Stargate episode. This week, remember Catherine? From the movie? We check up on her and her old boyfriend, whom it turns out oops, we may have possibly stranded on an alien planet 50 years ago. Our bad. So we head there and what do we find? Lore! Piles and piles of lore! More lore than you could possibly absorb in a li...

Kree, mortals, and see the mighty Thor smite the enemies of Midgard! This week, Daniel comes up with a theory that has some, PROBLEMS, regarding which gods are good and which are bad, but then it turns out to be 100% accurate. Oops. So Teal’c knows about this one planet the Goa’uld are afraid of, which the team immediately decides is worth a visit. Turns out, oops. We’ll talk about the Asgard and...

Kree everyone, and let me tell ya, it’s really hard to talk around the fact that O’Neill fucks a baby in this one. Just gonna put my cards on the table right now about this. Someone went hey, we should have Colonel Jack O’Neill eat a roofie flower pizza and then accidentally have sex with a baby. Then he turns into a prospector and they spend 40-something minutes talking about it. Over the course...

Kree with us, SG-1 and Apophis to a magical forested fairyland where everyone’s favorite Ferengi will tell everyone that he would really like if they all just got along already and stopped it with all the fighting. Please leave our planet. Please stop dying and killing us and just leave. For the love of— LEAVE, SG-1, GOD DAMN IT. We’ll also talk about the frankly unreasonable secretary of defense,...

M, Jimmy-Dean and special guest Jack take over the show to talk about the first episode of everybody’s favourite Vancouver filmed 90s Sci-Fi tv show about Wormholes. That’s right, Sliders (1995). We talk about Jerry O'Connell’s surprisingly extensive career, bad physics and the physicists who take no responsibility, the friendzone, why more sci-fi needs washed up Motown singers, half remembered pl...

This episode is so sad! Seriously, it wrecks me every single time. This week, Stargate SG-1 tackles grief, and deals with some real heavy, complicated human emotions, relationships being torn apart by tragedy, guilt, and hiding your emotions behind a sense of humor as a man who’s been raised not to show weakness. It’s a lot! But fear not, we also get Carter and Daniel being some total nerds who sp...

And lo the Lord spake, Kree my children, and welcome to Stargate’s very blatant, let’s say homage, to the classic war novel Heart of Darkness. Meet SG-9, or what’s left of it, after their leader has gone absolutely bugnuts, killed their Daniel, had their Carter go along with it, and had their Teal’c just barely manage to call for SG-1 to come bail them out of both their Jonas Hanson problem and th...

Ooga booga kree, cavespeople, and wonder as our heroes once again bring something dangerous back home through the gate! It won’t be the last time. This week, we also meet Dr. Fraiser, see an interesting astronomical phenomenon they don’t do anything interesting with, and Daniel gets really into the bulls, phrenology, and getting his face mauled in repeatedly. Plus, please stop calling Teal’c Lucy,...

Kree, I’m gonna level with y’all, it’s a real bad one. An absolute dogturd of an episode. We got Mongols and they’re sexist as hell and it’s even worse than you think. But we have a good time dissecting this particular pile of puke, in large part because Shang Tsung is in it. But so’s a lot of assumptions about non-white people and the threat they pose to white women, Daniel being a real shithead...

Kree! (means Listen, and is not the name of this Goa’uld) This week, we conclude the opening run of arc episodes leading us to the show’s initial status quo, with a very sad, grim episode. Everything kinda sucks right now. The Goa’uld are mean, the Pentagon is mean, everyone is mean. Teal’c is good though, even though this week he might have good reason to wonder if maybe joining with these Tauri...

Kree as we conclude Children of the Gods and very nearly reach the first status quo that will lead us to our first batch of regular episodes, ish! We’ll discuss Teal’c’s progressively sadder face, Capital P Problems, Daniel’s 18-hour coma, Major Samuels and his all-too-gleeful disposition towards stranding SGs 1 and 2 on an alien planet forever, O’Neill’s cottagecore huge wooden utensils, that one...

Kree (coughs and sneezes), Jaffa, and welcome to a slightly sick Simon covering the start of the start of Stargate SG-1! Bear with my voice on this one as I was fighting a cold while recording. Sit with us and we’ll discuss the surprisingly cheap start of this show, talking about cringey lines, funny kleenex jokes, General Hammond and his all-purpose bluff-calling nuke, the pros and cons of Jaffa...

Kree to all you Gateheads, and welcome to the end of the beginning, as we finish our coverage of 1994’s pre-eminent space desert movie, Roland Emmerich’s Stargate! Topics covered include confusing cuts away from battle scenes, quickly rebounding PTSD meltdowns, convenient point of origin reveals, failed fast-walk stealth gambits, and Ra just being a shitty little idiot. We also say goodbye to Kurt...

Kree to all the boys and goa’ulds, good to have you back with us as we cover the middle third of Roland Emmerich’s 1994 space desert movie, Stargate! This week we’ll talk a lot about the joys of eating chocolate in the blazing Abydonian sun, O’Neil’s newfound Abydonian son, we’ll discuss the road not taken with regards to lighter brands, witness Spader taking a peek but restraining his urges, and...

Kree to y’all, and welcome to episode 1 of Jaffa Takes, where we’ll cover the first 40 minutes of Stargate (1994), the questionably but mostly canonical movie that first opened the gate. On the way there, we’ll discuss O’Neil’s truly depressing backstory, the myriad tiny ways you have to pretend the words you see are other words, The Ancient Aliens Problem, Richard Kind and the dark future that aw...