How to Survive

It's episode 118... and if you send one of ours to the hospital, we'll send one of yours to the morgue... The Untouchables (1987) tells the story of the task force charged with bringing down Chicago crime boss, Al Capone. Elliot Ness and his men have to fight fire with fire, and bring down the kingpin who has left every member of the city living in continual fear of violence. We talk about the mer...

It's episode 117... and be a doll, and give it a listen... The Boy (2016) tells the story of Greta, an American who moves to the English countryside to work as a nanny for a wealthy couple. The couple leave on holiday, but not before revealing that the child Greta will be looking after is actually a doll with a porcelain head. No, really... We talk about the dangers of mollycoddling; the benefits...

It's episode 116... and we want to play a game... Jigsaw (2017) tells the story of a group of people who become trapped in contrived torture devices as punishment for sins they're perceived to have committed. The person behind it appears to be John Kramer - but he's been dead for ten years - so is he back from the dead? Or is someone else behind it? There's only one way to find out. We talk about...

The Saw franchise is one of the most successful series of horror movies in cinematic history, and with Jigsaw (2017) in cinemas now, Chris and Joe felt it was finally time to tackle John Kramer's sinister games - all in one sitting. In this special bonus episode Chris and Joe talk through their experience of watching through all 7 Saw movies for the first How to Survive video podcast. Though they...

It's episode 115... and we're gonna be great friends... Creep (2014) tells the story of Aaron, a freelance videographer who is hired by the mysterious Joseph to film a secret video at Joseph's wilderness retreat. Before long, Aaron begins to realise Joseph really is a 'creep' - but will he be able to escape the danger he's in before it's too late? We talk about the merits of clear communication wi...

It's episode 114... and time for a romantic getaway... Gerald's Game (2017) tells the story of Jessie, who travels to a rural retreat with her husband, Gerald. Once there, they engage in some light bondage, and Jessie is handcuffed to the bed, but after a quarrel, Gerald drops dead! Now chained to the bed, Jessie seems to be stuck with no hope of rescue. How will she survive? We talk about the imp...

It's episode 113... and clear your minds. It knows what scares you. It has from the very beginning. Don't give it any help, it knows too much already.step into the light! Poltergeist (1982) tells the story of the Freeling family. The Freelings live a peaceful suburban existence, until one day, their daughter is sucked into the walls of the house, and trapped in a netherworld where the only way to...

It's episode 112... and we all float down here... IT (2017) tells the story of a group of teenage friends in the town of Derry. A number of children in the town disappear, and our heroes race to uncover the truth before it's too late. (All while fighting for their lives against an evil dancing clown...) We talk about the importance of not leaving severely damning evidence when reporting crimes; th...

It's episode 111... and we're finally finished! Friday the 13th (2009) is a reboot which tells the story of a group of teenagers who spend the night around Camp Crystal Lake and get picked off one by one. The perpetrator? Jason Voorhees (which actually makes this a reboot of Friday the 13th: Part 2...) We talk about the importance of recognising your own tolerance for parties; the benefits of sens...

It's episode 110... and I don't know if the house is haunted, but I hope it is. Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) tells the story of the Rey family. Shortly after the birth of their new son, the Reys begin experiencing strange goings-on in their home. All signs point to a haunting - and when the main characters from the first film show up you know there's going to be trouble... We talk about the import...

It's episode 109... and we may be a podcast, but we're not a f*cking podcast. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) tells the story of two brothers, Seth and Richie, who get into a bad situation when they kidnap a family on a road trip and escape to Mexico They head to a bar for the night, but all is not what it seems with the bar's staff and patrons   We hash out optimal business hours for mythical creature...

It's episode 108... and may we come in? Let the Right One In (2008) tells the story of Oskar, a young boy who is bullied at school, and makes friends with his new neighbour, Eli. They form a tight bond, but all is not as it seems with Eli, and why does she only come out at night? We address the logistics of harvesting blood from members of the public; the poor economy of helping a mythical creatur...

It's episode 107... and something wicker this way comes... The Wicker Man (1973) tells the story of Sgt. Howie of the Scottish constabulary. Howie is sent to the remote Hebredian island of Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. What he finds is a town devoted to pagan rituals, but could  something more sinister be brewing under the surface? (The answer is yes). We discuss the...

It's episode 106... and look what's happened to Rosemary's Baby... Rosemary's Baby (1968) tells the story of Rosemary, a young woman who falls pregnant after moving into a new home. But the pregnancy is fraught with unusual side-effects, and her creepy neighbours won't leave her alone. We discuss the importance of supervising the preparation of your food; the limitations of hiding in plane sight;...

It's episode 105... and do you want to play a game of hide and clap? The Conjuring (2013) tells the story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who are called upon to help the Perron Family. The Perrons have just moved into a new home, and all signs (from dead animals to suspicious bruising) seem to point to a haunting!  We discuss the importance of calling upon law enforcement in ti...

Jurassic Park (1993) tells the story of Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler, two paleontologists (well, one paleontologist and one paleobotanist...) who are summoned to a new theme park to make sure it is safe for visitors. The theme at the park is 'dinosaurs', and the park's owner, John Hammond has been able to clone real dinosaurs from their blood, preserved in amber. Before long, the park's systems fail,...

It's episode 103... and you're one ugly motherf**ker.. Predator (1987) tells the story of Major Allan 'Dutch' Schaefer, a mercenary who takes on the job of rescuing a kidnapped diplomat in the Venezuelan jungle. Along with his team, they soon realise they've been double-crossed by Dutch's old friend, CIA operative, 'Dillon'. The two are soon at each other's throats, and then an alien shows up and...

It's episode 102... and you can't trust anyone but family... It Comes at Night (2017) tells the story of Paul and his family, who have survived a plague and now live in a house in the woods, desperate to stay protected from disease and would-be attackers. Their volatile existence is threatened when a man breaks in. And that's about as much as we can say without spoiling it... We discuss the finer...

It's episode 101...and that goalie was pissed about something.. Freddy vs. Jason (2003) tells the story of Freddy Krueger, an evil phantom who haunts teenagers and kills them in their dreams. With his power weakening, he enlists the help of Jason Voorhees, the Camp Crystal Lake killer. Why? Because they needed to be crowbarred together somehow. We discuss the benefits of keeping your mouth shut wh...

It's episode 100!!!!! ...and things are going bump in the night... Paranormal Activity (2009) tells the story of Micah and Rachel, a young couple whose lives are turned upside down when they are haunted by a demon. We see their lives unravel through videotapes made by the couple during their gradual demise, in the most carefully edited and dramatised 'found footage' movie yet. We discuss the benef...

It's episode 99... and we all go a little mad sometimes.... Psycho (1960) tells the story of Marion Crane; a young woman who steals a large sum of money from her employer and runs away to meet up with her secret lover. On the way to meet him, she stops for the night at the Bates Motel, and surely nothing can go wrong there... We discuss the importance of always having diagnostic criteria ready to...

It's episode 98... and I'm drawing a line in the f**king sand here. Do not read the Latin! The Cabin in the Woods (2011) tells the story of a group of teenage friends who decide to spend the weekend at a remote cabin in some remote woods. Once they arrive at the cabin, bad things start to happen. But everything is not as it seems... We have our first Quick-Fire Survival Round; we discuss the benef...

It's episode 97... and another mist opportunity... The Mist (2007) tells the story of David, a family man whose world is turned upside down when he and his son (and a bunch of townsfolk) are forced to shelter in a supermarket when a thick mist descends on their town. This is no straightforward weather problem, as hidden within the mist are all manner of violent and disgusting monsters - and they s...

It's episode 96... and we're all in a spin... Twister (1996) tells the story of Jo and Bill, an estranged husband and wife who share a love of chasing tornadoes in the name of scientific research. Brought back together, they seek to use Bill's invention to record what happens INSIDE a tornado - but in order to do that, they have to get dangerously close to the monstrous cyclone... We discuss how i...

It's episode 95... and It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before. The Descent (2005) tells the story of a group of women who travel deep into an underground cave system in the name of adventure. As is the way with horror movies, they become trapped, and soon begin to realise that they might not be alone... We wonder at length why a...