How Dead the Mariners Are

Listen, I know how little I know about this shit. My laundry smells more like privilege than it does shit, cat piss, or spliff smoke. I mean we barely even know anything about the Mariners which is something we spend like six hours of our days obsessing over. Well, Zander knows quite a bit. We know how to complain about them, at least. But how could I possibly be expected to know about mere trifle...

I didn’t even deign to edit this one because it was so bad. But I think it’s hilariously bad enough to post anyway. Plus we’re desperate to get content out. Stay tuned while we figure out how to use the microphone I bought from Eli at Guitar Center. Shout out Eli, by the way. Great guy. Need to go see his movie soon. Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at marinersdisgustblog.substack.com/subscribe

This is not a podcast you should listen to if… * You have anything to do OR * You are affiliated with me professionally in any remote understanding of the word * AND you care about professionalism OR C. You hate The Wall. Please leave in the comments if you think I/we should change our name(s) on here so they don’t reflect who we are professionally. I’m thinking some sort of pseduonym (i.e., Nigel...

The Dylan Moore Award for Shittiest Infielder: Cole Young The Jesse Winker/Taylor Trammell Award for Worst Outfielder: Luke Raley The Luis Castillo Award for Most Hated Starting Pitcher: Bryce Miller The Matt Festa Award for Least Trustworthy Reliever: Carlos Vargas The Jesse Winker Award for Most Disappointing Acquisition: Rob Refsnyder The JP Crawford Award for Shittiest Every Day Starting Posit...

“This isn’t a place for people to get reliable news, right? You know, that’s not this platform. That’s why they have other platforms — is for that kind of thing.” “You’re reading a bedtime story, and you have the paper behind your kid’s head, and you’re rolling while you’re reading. I wonder if my dad ever did that — how cool would that be?” “I’m sure a lot of our listeners are hitting that [Pagli...

This podcast was recorded on Friday, December 12, approximately 18 hours before Jorge Polanco signed with the Mets. You can see the results of our discussion on the whiteboard pictured above, or you can save 40 minutes and look at it below. For posterity’s sake, we’ll keep Jorge Polanco in there. * Steven Kwan LF (Traded in the offseason for OF Lazaro Montes) * Ketel Marte 2B (Traded in the offsea...

Was it the no-trade clause? Was it Vue Lounge? Or was it the elite assortment of private school options in the greater Seattle area? The guys sit down and get to the bottom of just what, exactly, a ‘no-trade clause’ even means. M.A.D. Unlimited is not really worth your time. To support this work and have your email inundated with meaningless, pick-me articles, consider becoming a free or paid subs...

At the end of the day, John Stanton will continue to profit off his players and refrain from paying them as much as he can afford because he makes more money that way, and he knows that, deep down, as much as fans may gripe and be upset about that, he will continue to get away with it because fans won’t do anything tangible to try to make him change his strategy because, at the end of the day, the...

We finally got around to editing our season recap episode but only got through the first third. And I’m unemployed! Brought to you by Audacity. Thanks for reading M.A.D. Unlimited! This post is public so feel free to share it. Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at marinersdisgustblog.substack.com/subscribe

In this podcast, I accidentally use the word ‘amount’ when I obviously mean to say ‘number.’ Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at marinersdisgustblog.substack.com/subscribe

Before I start on my own melodramatic piece, I’d like to formally recognize Alex Johanson for putting this podcast together. He had the idea for the muckbang, hosted it at Zander’s apartment, and did all the editing. And I think this may be our best piece yet. I’m actually writing this on Friday morning (🫢), but I thought it’d be shrewd to have it sent out four hours before the first pitch of the...

September 22, 2025, Seattle, WA — After exorcising our summer road demons with blowout wins in Kansas City and a sweep of the battered Astros—capped by a 7–3 thrashing of Houston on national television so lopsided I forced my girlfriend to watch Chiefs–Giants in the Meadowlands instead—the 2025 Mariners now return home. They’ll walk into what should be a frenzied T-Mobile Park on Tuesday to face t...

We each list our top five single-season pitching seasons from the year 2000 through present, narrowing down the list into a somewhat concise, very difficult to follow five-man rotation and three-man bullpen. We then pit our finalized roster, position-by-position, against the 2024 Los Angeles Dodgers. “Shoutout 2009 David Aardsma. 38 saves.” -Zander Norris (15:55) In case you somehow haven’t yet, d...

We go position by position, each putting forth a guy from a specific year (i.e., ‘I’ll take 2006 Randy Wynn in left field’) and arguing his case before finally voting on each roster spot.. Can’t use a guy more than once. In other words, you can’t put 2001 Ichiro in right field and 2004 Ichiro at the utility spot. “Guys—. I- I- I- I thought about Geno, but it was always Beltre versus Seager.” -Jack...

“What relievers do you find, like, when they enter the game, you’re like, ‘Okay, I feel good about, like, a scoreless inning?’” -Zander Norris (20:27) Timestamps: * 0:00: PSA to abundance of listeners & haters * 1:30: Devers trade * 3:45: M’s sweep Guardians * 6:30: How each team in the AL Wildcard race has skullfucked or will skullfuck us * 16:00: Picking M’s players we wish could hit half as wel...

In a completely random stroke of luck, the Mariners use the putridity of the Athletics’ bullpen to overcome a dreadful start from supposed ace Brian Woo. ”You can never get ahead of yourselves with this team. I’ve seen too many ‘Mike Juninos’ in my time.” Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at marinersdisgustblog.substack.com/subscribe

In light of Wednesday’s win, Jack, Alex, and I reset the tone by talking about some of our least favorite players on the Ms’ roster. “He got kind of a fluky, like, pop-single, and they cut to him on first base, and he’s got his hands up above his head, he’s clapping, the dugout’s cheering for him. And it’s because he got his first base hit of the season.” Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at mar...

In this recap, I talk about the bottom of the 11th, in which the Mariners fail to score any runs against a basement-dwelling pitcher from the Astros’ bullpen. “I’m here to talk a little bit about last night’s 12-inning loss to your Houston Astros, probably the most hated franchise in the history of sport.” Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at marinersdisgustblog.substack.com/subscribe

In today’s special edition of How Dead the Mariners Are , we hear from Jack Weigand, a 25-year-old suffering from a particularly debilitating case of Mariners Fandom. He discusses how Julio Rodriguez hit a baseball directly to him from 438 feet away in Sunday’s game. “My buddy, Jared, is like, ‘Give it to the kids, give it to the kids!’ Cuz it was Little League day [at T-Mobile Ballpark]… And I sa...

In today’s edition of Pronouncing the Mariners Dead , I drive 65 miles per hour on Interstate 5 North while recording a half-assed recap of a game I didn’t watch, nor will I ever have any interest in thinking about ever again. I don’t recommend listening to this one. Get full access to M.A.D. Unlimited at marinersdisgustblog.substack.com/subscribe