Grumble Goat

A podcaster sits at a computer to write an episode blurb. He stares out the window. Writing holds little interest at the moment, but his fingers dapple at the keys. Each tippity tap of the keys creates a symbol on the screen. Strings of these delicate hashmarks create meaning through an agreed upon written language, but what do they convey in reality? Carving words on the internet like initials in...

In the modern era of high-paced, digital globalization, the only thing that hasn’t been relegated to binary data-points is the moist, fleshy hardware that keeps our meat brains warm. Money used to be made of metal, but now exists only as a couple flashes of electricity along a circuit board. Society used to be people meeting in public forums, but now its a string of memes on the Meta algorit...

The era of Globalization has created a utopian society of plenty. Water comes right out of the walls and temperatures are controlled by a dial. The phone in your pocket can summon a stranger bringing food right to your front door. Unfortunately, our bodies were designed by the harsh realities of evolution in an era of survival long since conquered. Yet still, more food means larger people. And whe...

A shrill noise in the night invokes an immediate sense of danger. A horn calling out across a valley will rally the cavalry to prepare for war. A clanging bell at the town gate will rouse the inhabitants to a common threat. And a wailing siren of an ambulance will awaken everybody in a six block radius for absolutely nothing. The modern civilization does not require assembling every able bodied vi...

The end is nigh! The sun has been blighted and the Aztec calendar has ended! All of the eight prophesies have been fulfilled! The Infinity Stones have been collected and the White Walkers have taken the Wall! In our waning days of life on Earth, with TikTok and Tay-Tay, the only way to grab peoples’ attention is with the original way to grab peoples’ attention… The End of the Wor...

Since the dawn of Humankind, we have had a proud tradition of Hunting and Gathering. While some still cling to the hunting of game, most of society has moved into the game of hunting for deals. Deals are a great way to save resources in order to Gather more things. Gathering is our way of keeping score in life. It has become our life’s goal to gather more and more and more things. We collect...

The exchange of money for goods and services is the cornerstone of civilization. Goods have value, and money has value; and often, service has value. And America recognizes good service. We tip everyone. We recognize good service so hard that when we receive bad service we still tip for good service. Tipping is so ubiquitous in America that the tax code reflects tips, Corporate pay scales have exp...

Humanity has a natural inclination toward gossip. It’s an instinctive need that we’re constantly up to date on what’s happening. Who is getting married? Who is fighting? What sensationalist embarrassment is the king going through? And in the modern age, we have the technology to beam gossip directly into our eyes from anywhere in the world, heck, even out of the world when checki...

Water is the element of Life. The origins of life on earth may be enshrouded in mystery, but that it began in water is unquestionable. While humankind does not live in water, a cursory glance at a map reveals that civilization develops near water. We must always have access to water to survive. But in the modern era, we can rely on the everpresent ether of the Poland Spring to quench us as far as...

Since the dawn of Humankind, we have looked to the heavens for answers. The sun has always been our clock, the constellations forever our calendar. Becoming an agricultural society required deciphering the cosmos in order to predict the seasons’ change. Eventually, turning ourselves into office-dwelling, meeting-addicted, hourly automatons necessitated breaking time up into nano-second preci...

Life on Earth has evolved in a heartless, gladiatorial gauntlet of Survival of the Fittest. The eventual apex Champion of the Arena is a warm-blooded, lean, running machine with a problem-solving, complex brain. This cave-dwelling ape not only conquered the animal kingdom, but dominated nature itself by changing its own environment. And we changed it in the name of comfort. Having harnessed the el...

This President’s Day, America comes together to celebrate – like every holiday – the things that matter most to our nation, Deals. Now that the presidency has been reduced to the hollow pulpit of reality-show ridiculousness, we are free to embrace that which is core to America. We the people, in order to create a more perfect facade of family values, sell cheap imported trinkets...

The Plant Kingdom and the Animal Kingdom have always lived in a delicate, symbiotic peace. The animals kindly exhale carbon dioxide for the plants to breathe, and the plants pull nutrition from the dirt and create delicious fruits. But then humans tear asunder the ancient armistice for their Valentine’s Day Massacre. Billions of innocent roses are ripped from their roots in the annual purge....

Humanity is a duality.  ‘Humanity’ is defined by us, our species, humans, the animal that rose above all other beasts to conquer the world.  But the word ‘Humanity’ also means compassion.  While language itself is one of Humankind’s unique abilities, the way we use language can be humane.  ‘Laid to rest’ is softer than ‘Kicked the bucket.’  ‘Restroom’ is more polite than ‘crapper.’  ‘Alt-right’ is...

How privileged we have become, to love the snow. The pretty, white blanket has become a plaything to draw angels and craft snowman. Skiing and sledding have become celebrated Olympic sports. Children pray for a day of snow… a day of blustering shards of frozen flakes so small and pervasive that it incapacitates the local civilization. So blindingly devastating that it paralyzes our infrastru...

As the long arc of the universe slowly degrades toward entropy, so too is the path of our humanly bodies toward atrophy. The invisible dark energies that push the ever-expanding universe faster into nothingness mirror the invisible pressures placed on our muscles through the stress of everything. Our minds control our muscular movements, but our minds are beaten down by societal judgement and pare...

The passage of time is marked by ritual. Birthdays are counted with tiny candles, Rush week is passed by getting paddled, and fiscal quarters are anointed with new iPhones. Today is the end of the old year, and to celebrate the death of a year, we wear sparkles. With the fragile superstition of a time long past, we reach the last page of our word-a-day calendars and fear that this must mean the en...

Christmastime is upon us. It is the season of giving. We may share with our friends and family a token of our appreciation, a simple gift which is more for the purpose of acknowledging the importance we find in having them in our lives. Except for the children. The children are showered with gifts from Santa, mom, dad, aunts and uncles, cousins, and who knows who; frankly, it doesn’t matter...

Humanity has very practically divided time into seconds and minutes and hours; but the gods have divided time into seasons. Spring is the season of rebirth. Winter is the season of stasis and hibernation. Autumn is the season of Pumpkin Spice and Santa and chaos and stress. And summer is the season of paradise. The sunshine and the outdoors, picnics and roller-coasters, joy and leisure fill the ai...

The trajectory of human commerce is a beautiful rainbow of collaboration. The unseemly origins of bartering melted away as we placed value on beautiful, glistening metal coins. The melding of cultures was bolstered by shining silver and gold, leading to the mystical Silk Road. The heart of the Spice Trade was the chaotic enchantment of the desert Bazaars of the East. Eventually the larger than lif...

The long arc of Human history is divided into grandiose epochs that are defined by certain monumental discoveries. Ten-thousand years ago nomadic tribes discovered agriculture which led to civilization. The steam engine led to the Industrial Age. The discovery of flight led to the era of diminishing leg room. And the modern era of computers and TidePod Challenges began with the creation of the thi...

In the course of its history, humankind has diversified itself into a vast array of unique cultures. One of the strongest cultural touchstones that binds us all is that unquenchable quest for food. Cuisine is the most prominent part of another culture that anyone will experience, and living in the Great Melting Pot, Americans have taken and blended all the foods of the world. Los Angeles has taken...

Humanity has shaped the world around us to suit our needs. We have conquered all our discomforts. Our predators are behind zoological bars, vaccines have tamed our vapours and plagues, and fast-casual dining has Baja Blasted our hunger. But there are older forces in this world that we conveniently ignore. The spirits that gaze longingly through the veil, just beyond our understanding, lie in wait,...

Autumn is here. The thermostat dips lower by the day. Sunlight slips through the bare branches of the trees before the work day ends. The wind whips the heat from our flannels and caps. The cold, empty, hollow numbness reminds us of our own mortality. Humanity has built fire, shelter, furnaces, magic heat warming packets for our gloves, and Omni heat thermal reflective jackets all to keep away the...

Theatre has been part of the Human experience since the dawn of creation. Before the first hieroglyph was ever etched, elders spread their culture and histories through chants and masques around the fire. Even now, despite the streams of the Peacock and the Hulu, people flock to theatres to witness the grandiose spectacle of Beetlejuice and Hamilton. Swifties trample the Ticket Master for a chance...