Grumble Goat

In Humankind’s humbler beginnings, news and rumor were slow to travel. A merchant ship might dock and bring word from other parts of the world. Stories might be embellished over time, Xerxes might be forty feet tall and surrounded by cyclops, Rhodes might have a colossus, Pharaohs might have mummy issues. The village idiot may be spreading rumors of these monsters, while the town crier maybe...

Humankind’s origins were a brutal quest for survival. Hunting for food and fighting prey with simple tools was tiring work. And what was the reward for it? Bloody flesh for a meal. Sweets were a very rare treat. Every once in a while our ancestors might risk some bee stings to get a taste of that sweet honey. But now, sugar is in everything. The faucet of high-fructose corn syrup pumps that...

Humans are very small, in the Grand Schematics of Things. Large things have a gravitational force. Large things have very much matter. The Sun controls the spinning of the Earth, the seasons, the day and night. Small things, like humans, don’t have much control over the rotation of the Earth. But we have developed a way for small men to become large. Not with matter, but with money; and whil...

It’s that special time of year, again. Not Groundhogs Day, groundhogs celebrate their love all year long. No, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. It’s a day to celebrate that special someone in your life: your partner, your companion, the person you rely on every day of the year, the person you confide your every thought and wish upon; this is the day to show them how much y...

Welcome to the second non-annual G.O.A.T. Awards! Awards season is upon us, and just like the Hollywood elite, the content creators at Grumble Goat also need constant positive reinforcement. Enjoy your favorite moments from Grumble Goats past while the Sorting Top Hat of Randomness dictates the winners and losers. Applaud Mat and Veronique as we shower each other with G.O.A.T Awards! *Grumbles are...

The very foundation of Human Civilization is the ability to work together. Cooperation amongst humans has created cities, global networks, space exploration, and crypto-mining. Yet one of the most historically decisive forms of collaboration is war. The way we relax on Sunday afternoons is to watch goliaths slaughter one another on the gridiron. We work together on scientific advancements just to...

All of humanity has one fundamental commonality, one critical similarity that both binds us as single species and also uniquely individualizes us… We are born. Every single one of us goes through the arduous ordeal, but the date of our birth distinguishes us. For millennia, we have looked to the stars to dictate the constellations that define us, our birth year might align with a mascot or a...

Christmastime has returned to America! Our favorite holiday celebrating the rampant consumerism and fourth-quarterly profits has finally come again and it is time to please our great Lord on High: the GDP! While having come a long way from its quaint beginnings, the birth of an impoverished stable-boy, the media would still have us believe it has a humbler meaning. Peace-on-Earth and Goodwill-to-m...

Humankind is a herd species. We clump together. So within these clumps of people, self-expression becomes important to maintaining our individuality. Fashion – what we wear – has always been central to how we express who we are. But the modern era of Social Media has moved our core self-identities online. We now can pick and choose who can glimpse our self-expression through our online...

Who are we? What do we want and what is our purpose? Discovering humanity begins in childhood. Society has a plethora of fairy tales and legends that show humankind’s greatest ambitions. We teach our children all of our most idealistic aspirations. We can glean from these myths a vision of heroes that protect the innocent, fight for peace, put an end to suffering and war. Yet, we still have...

Being human is to err. The Master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried. To achieve greatness, one must work through endless suffering in order mold oneself into a vessel for perfection. The Gurus have toiled through a lifetime of sacrifice and agony to become something grander than merely mortal. But even they have been guilty of putting off laundry day. Laziness is a symptom of...

Once again the leaves wallow from the trees. Darkness encroaches. There are shadows of things creeping in the night. Even in your own home, you are not safe from the monsters prowling in the dim recesses. There are many frightening mascots for the haunting, harvest season. There are bats, there are spiders, there are owls, there are many ghouls in the baren trees and scurrying through the piles of...

Humankind is the Apex predator on this planet, but we are not alone. Humanity has a best friend, a companion species in the Animal Kingdom. We have developed a symbiotic relationship with a loyal, faithful, and joyful partner in this entropic, mortal coil. Over generations and millennia we have come together in our homes and in our families, building a bond that supersedes fundamental needs, and e...

All of Humankind is akin, from the earliest cave-dwellers to the astronauts floating in space stranded by Boeing, we are all united in the ethereal, unconscious nether of sleep. No matter the microprocessor speed of our daily lives, we all are bound to the mortal coil of comatose slumber. While we now live in a world of scientific knowledge, our ancestral superstitions linger in our subconscious....

Agriculture is, of course, how we grow our food, but it is also humanity’s most fundamental connection to the Earth. The bountiful nutrients and minerals of Earth’s rich soils are unlocked by vegetation’s burrowing roots. And the different sediments of Earth’s many environments produce specific thriving flavors native to certain places: the grapes of Bordeaux, the olives of...

Evolution forges animals in a chaotic gauntlet of carnage and slaughter. Like a gladiatorial arena, only the strongest and fittest can survive the tumult. Eons of desperate hunting, killing, and fighting between species has born out to create the single-elimination food web that governs all living things. Until Humankind. The human has outclassed all other species so thoroughly that in our hubris,...

Welcome to the Information Age! If you’re still reading this then you are already behind, because the information is flowing faster than it can be consumed. It is impossible to stay current in the flowing rapids of content being streamed through the intertubes of the Now! And just like a river’s current, money churns mercilessly through the hydroelectric dams of economic power. That&#8...

Humankind is a collaborative species, and the key to collaboration is communication. From the first spoken language, to the advent of the Ricola horn, to flag waving semaphore, straight on to the Walkie Talkie, communication has improved incalculably. Until the telephone. From the first phone call, it seemed a promising development, but the second call was a misleading confusion about Alexander Gr...

The Earth has been dominated by different dynasties throughout the eons.  The Primordial Earth was governed by the amoeba, the Jurassic Earth was conquered by the dinosaur, the Common Era was managed by Humankind, and now is the Age of the Automobile.  These mammoth beasts have evolved into Range Rovers that have decimated the habitats that Humans once flourished in.  Fortunately, when dormant, th...

Humankind may be the ordained alpha of the Earth, but we are not free of the Circle of Life. Our mortality forces the generational hierarchy that all life must follow. The elders pass on the wisdom to the young, and then pass the torch of the tribe along and trust that this ancient wisdom will continue. Yet, is human legacy not disruption? We have reshaped Nature itself with innovation, and disrup...

The human body is a remarkable machine. It can be trained and shaped to extraordinary measures. The body builder grows the muscular structure to show off the strength of the gods. The gymnast contorts the body into awe-inspiring flexibility. The marathon runner hones themselves into a lean instrument of graceful endurance. And then there is the world of reality television, which zooms in on our im...

Summer in America is a magnificent smorgasbord of all things wonderfully Americana. Barbeques take place on our green lawns with our white picket fences. Roller-coasters and water-slides ricket the airs of our amusement parks. The Swifties Taylor and Ladies Gaga rock our sock hops while fireworks burst in the air. And while the apple pie cools on the windowsill, there is no more quintessentially A...

Father time is the master of all life.  Seasons change, the universe descends into chaos, and all life has a limited moment in the complex system of entropy.  Humanity has obsessed about time to the point that we calculate the transitive frequencies of the invisible building blocks of matter itself with an atomic clock.  Every aspect of our society is based on the precise measurement of the minute...

Globalization is the climactic culmination of the evolution of Human Civilization. The modern era of connectivity is possible because we work together. Teamwork makes the dream work. Instead of each of us hunting and gathering, people can specialize in different expertise, because some will grow food, and some will cultivate technology. And sometimes we have to ask for help from those with special...

Humankind is the pinnacle of evolutionary advantage. We have conquered the planet, we have mapped the stars, we have trapped electricity in a global network of wires to create a virtual universe. The incredible intelligence of us mere mortals has put us in the realm of the gods! But we are mortal. And we fart. These pesky, weak horcruxes that our souls are bound to still make odors and fluids and...