Giles Coren Has No Idea

There are only three weeks left to audition for the new HBO Harry Potter series, sadly for Giles his best wizarding days are behind him, but he has high hopes for his son. In fact, at fifty-five are most of his best days behind him? Who knows, he’s too old to care. But he does know what goes best with a square of dark chocolate… “There is no such thing as ‘man flu’” says Giles, but then he goes on...

Three questions: 1)     What constitutes modern art? A sieve without a handle, a misshapen squash? Esthers patience with the Turner Prize has reached its limit. 2)     What’s the difference between a banana and a phone? ...what's a banana? 3)     What’s the first rule of customer relations? The customer is always a tw@t. Pl...

What is a freebie, how do you get them and do you have to pay tax? A tale of two particular freebies this week, interspersed with a collection of Giles and Esthers own freebies from the past. While Lady Starmer has fallen foul of some members of the press for her new dresses, Eamonn Holmes has been scoffed at for taking his lady friend on a cruise. Esther and Giles have sympathy, freebies aren’t a...

Giles and Esther are thrilled to be back from their long summer break, well Esther is. And there is so much to talk about; Keir Starmer has taken a truth serum, but is that what people want? Donald Trump went face to face with Kamala Harris in an animalistic US presidential debate. The weight loss drug Ozempic is now being offered to children and Greggs have launched a range of footwear. The world...

Giles and Esther send a quick note from their holidays. They'll be back and raring to go next week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A new dawn has broken, has it not… well something like that. Giles and Esther channel their inner Nostradamus to predict last night’s results. If, as assumed Sir Keir becomes PM, what does it mean for his family? Giles considers penning an ode to Kentish Town and all that the Starmers will leave behind. As Sir Keir awaits his big result, Giles is waiting for his own important phone call, but its f...

Giles is feeling bright and breezy, and it’s all thanks to Ether. For once he took her advice and tried the latest ‘wonder drug’ Naltrexone. What would have otherwise been a night of drunken excess instead turned into a night of charitable excess. He is a convert. Sadly, neither he nor Esther have made any money out of their pharmaceutical evangelism.  Keir Starmer has exposed the latest ‘get...

In response to a survey suggesting people are turning away from the news Giles and Esther pander to the masses and happily look past the obvious headlines. Who or what constitutes a working man? As the blue and red parties scabble to attract anyone who earns a living Giles is temporarily bewitched by the endless tax breaks on offer from the Reform party. His conscience kicks in but with his new fo...

Esther is front page news after writing about a drug which helps with alcoholism…unusually she hasn’t just written about naltrexone, she’s tried it. It leads to a discussion about the results of alcohol abuse within different economic groups. As ever the Germans are ahead of the game, they’ve decided to only sell England football fans low alcohol beer. Rishi Sunak has once again shown his gift for...

Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry. No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…? The debate slid to one side...

Giles and Esther are away this week. In their absence here is a short collection of recent highlights. Giles faces a late fitness test. Esther takes the AA road quiz. And why won't flying taxis go south of the river...? Hope you enjoy them. Please do like and share and we’ll see you next week. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone. Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film ‘Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ as the best of all time, unlike his current project – Horizon: chapter one. In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a grippin...

Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents. Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklus...

The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentleman’s club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother.  A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM...

The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...? Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when...

Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up one’s autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy there…let’s ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas. Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. That’s what John Cl...

Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content. Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, they’re flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitc...

Britain was made great by arseholes; MP’s thinking about porn and national stereotypes. It’s a very slow news week. Lacking stimulation Giles and Esther turn to pornography and the MP’s who are worrying about its effect on sex education. Inspired, Giles decides he can write a piece in praise of ‘the arsehole’ – they have a game of “good arsehole, bad arsehole” and speculate on the nature of Sacha...

The new Bond, MP’s presenting TV programmes, Giles is a Gorilla and Ewan McGregor’s…acting skills. Giles is very excited by the latest actor being linked with the role of James Bond, he feels sure he has some useful tips for the scrip writers – a Volvo car, a fussy mother, and some anti-allergy pillows. Elsewhere, what would the BBC advertise if they could… waterproof pants or Stormzy’s latest alb...

Giles has gone down the RAC rabbit hole, and to his delight it is providing him with an endless stream of evidence proving that he is, surprise surprise… an excellent driver. Not content with that he decides to quiz Esther on some of the most common driving myths, thus proving that she is not an excellent driver. You be the judge as to the veracity of his conclusions. In a column that writes itsel...

Peter Mandelson thinks Keir Starmer "needs to shed a few pounds". And Giles, always the friendly neighbour, thinks he can help his local MP look his dashing best on camera. What should he wear, where should he stand, and who should he stand next to? You're welcome Sir Keir - a future invite to Chequers is surely inevitable... Plus, it's International Women's Day. So what better way to celebrate th...

Following last week’s comments about the Israel Gaza conflict, Giles had a visit to a local synagogue to navigate. It turned out the Rabbi may have been more famous than he is, but Giles did his aunt proud – shepping nachas! Looking for a diversion, Giles and Esther watched a documentary on ‘Bennifer’ - Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez…it was quite a disappointment. Their version of a great love sto...

It’s a challenging and thoughtful episode this week. Giles has changed his opinion on the Israel Gaza conflict. He reflects on the time since he last spoke and wrote about it back in October; his final comments then proved depressingly accurate. Esther is caught off guard when discussing the fate of Russian dissident Alexei Navalny. Thereafter, all other subjects seem to be ‘tap dancing’ around th...

VAT on school fees offers Giles and Esther the chance to consider the effects of a deluge of public-school children into the state system. Should it come to pass there will be a familiar cast of winners and losers. A pressing question; how should one dress when out in Mayfair? As shabbily as possible it seems, with good reason, oh and don’t wear a watch. After the break the Kings cancer diagnoses...

Gwyneth Paltrow is…furious. Thankfully Gwyn has a unique way to unleash her anger. As a man used to losing his temper Giles feels he can give her some tips. Esther and Giles have been mixing in rarefied circles, but they don’t like to talk about it…much. In an exclusive just for the podcast they give a little glimpse into the life of grace and favour. Lean, fearful children, vain rats and a sexy J...